I had to edit this whole post again.
How fun.
"Blogger, you are being a pain in the butt."
I hope this is viewable now.

Rain.

Drops.

There's a giant in my garden;

And it's eating all my flowers.

Stereo.

I can see you drool already.

I feel bad.
Maybe it's because I was talking so much about practically nothing today while doodling that I'm out of words. Mummy and Daddy went " Ooi, quiet!" a few times.
Sigh, I am a weeird person.
Toodles (:

I annoy myself :(

Aah! Somebody stick an apple on my head, grab a bow and arrow then aim right underneath the apple for my face. Ooh scratch that; too gory a death for ME.
I came back from school today and what do you know, I had about three hours to waste. I wanted to go for a swim but thankyouohmightysun for shinning so bright on my face I now look like a raccoon. Nearly everyone I see goes 'Eeh, did you go on a holiday somewhere? :D :D" Then, they point under my eyes where the upper part is whiter than the bottom part which is taan. I ended up not going thinking okaay, I might try to study. I went upstairs to my room, found my sketchbook, watercolours and coloured pens. The next thing I knew, I was drawing and when I looked at the clock, it was time for dinner. Can you sense the angst, disappointment and frustration in me! I should have been STUDYING! Instead I drew, meaningless pictures for three bloody hours! :) :) Ahh at least I now feel emptied out. What I wanted to paint is out on canvas. Hardeeharhar.
Don't tell me.
You're sick of words. If you aren't, I am.
I have quite a few pictures to upload. Too bad I haven't even edited them yet.
Since when has procrastination had the stronger hold of my neck? Because whenever it did, I suure didn't realize :(
I told myself that I wouldn't go online and believe me, I even stuck a notice on my computer saying this;
Notice.
Saturday, August 25th 2007
Unless the sudden urge to blog, receive an important piece of data/online object, edit an important picture arises, I Sarah Lee HuiYi vow NOT to waste time online doing things deemed unnecessary by, me :) until after PMR where I can then waste time all I want. In the mean time, I shall study my fat bumm off.
*I even ended with this*
Determination Sarah!
You can do it :D :D

Love,
Sarah.

SO MUCH FOR THAT!
I now, sit in front of you typing this oober meaningless post out. Kill me laa.
Mummy's calling me to make my peanut butter sandwich now. "What? I don't know the meaning of tests. Do you?"
(I now am going to scream my head off)
You know I love you, even when I rest peacefully in my grave :)

Recently I've been thinking about how, can I say ungrateful? I might have been all these while. Okay maybe not ungrateful, more of how I take things for granted and expect my life to have been planed and lived out for me instead of doing it myself.
"I'm not disappointed in you. I'm just anxious about the choices you're choosing to make and why you seem content on staying at this stage instead of progressing on in recovery."
A very wonderful person said that to me a few days back and if anyone else had spoken those words right in my face, I would have blown up like a volcano in Philippines. Thankfully, those words were uttered from a person who, can I say, I respect and look quite highly up to.
"I know it's not easy for you but that's why I'm anxious about this situation. You being in KL and us being here isn't easy for not only you but your family but I want you to step out of your comfort zone and fight it hard like you fought ED."
Then it hit me; hard and heavy that maybe I haven't been making much of an effort in this area, have I? I can say confidently that I am not in a critically dangerous state now but I don't want to stay this way forever now do I? After pondering in the baidge walled corridor, I came to the conclusion that as sane as I was at that moment; anxiety, fear and bursts of anger really ain't my end goal in this life.
"..fight it hard like you fought ED."
I noticed you used 'fought' instead of 'fighting'. I can say I'm proud of that, that I don't struggle too hard in that area now. That although there are bouts when I panic while looking into the mirror(especially those that make you look like an elephant sideways) I am able to sink my teeth into an apple crumble without too much calorific hesitance, drink a cherrychino and allow the caffeine to seep in my veins, and survive in Macs when the healthier choices are closed.
As much as admitting that I'm not 100% there yet still send chills down my times, reminiscing helps in seeing that I HAVE moved on, that I am thiis much closer to full sanity and have made the wiser decision in allowing Novasource to do it's good to my brain. As excruciating as it was at that moment, when being confronted with the truth that something was wrong. The grass really was greener or the other side hmm? The side I am halfway at now.
Back to the part of me being ungrateful.
We bumped into Daddy's friend visiting his niece who was eleven years old and had bone cancer.
A few weeks back we got a phone call asking about Singapore hospitals compared to Malaysia because this certain persons nine year old daughter, had leukemia. A week later, she passed away, at NINE.
Outside the waiting area, we saw a man who needed a home because he didn't have anywhere to go just after coming out from prison.
In China, daddy visited a village where this woman's face was burnt and yet, she could manage to smile, to share and help people in the village though she probably could only partially see.
My grandfather fell and hurt his leg and had to be hospitalized a few days. He could still smile whenever someone came to visit his and when he had to pt on his false teeth to chew tofu (:
And here I am, complaining about how the weather is so hot and the fan in my room is useless. About how my legs look swollen and my face look like it could be pricked by a pin and pop at anytime. About how I never look photo shopped, flawless and in place when there are a ton of other girls roaming around me in the street who looked like they just fell out of a magazine cover. About how I probably am more of a burden than a gift to the family. About how unfortunate I am to be, ME.
Really, I felt like slapping myself when it hit me. How ungrateful I was when I nearly have it all. An amazing family's support, the friends who care, a bed to sleep on at night which although isn't Hiltonperfect doesn't give me bed sores the next morning, a swimming pool which therapeutically helps when the team is a five hour drive away, food to sustain me(even if at times I don't want it too), legs capable to walk(Andburncals:p), money to spend. So am I still not satisfied? I know and I'm sorry God I admit I have been taking things for granted, just a lil bit (: I mean :(
"I want you to think about it. Where do you want to be heading not only for you but think about your family too."
I guess Anita if you're reading this I just wanted to say thank you for somewhat putting me back into perspective. For being firm and getting my feet back closer to the ground when I was flying to nowhere. No I wasn't angry just taken aback but seeing the way you some how talked to 'her' instead of 'Sarah' brought me up a notch, to see that at least, I am still somehow a little sane, hmm? No I don't want to be floating aimlessly anymore. I DO want to be able to have a purpose and aim for something I WANT to achieve later on instead of having no purpose at all.
and not to mention lastly but definitely not least, I read this last night and it hit me again(alot of things have been hitting me hmm?) That do I really need to question why I need complete recovery when as she said, "..Isn’t knowing that God loves you and that you deserve to be loved, deserve a full life of complete freedom and joy enough for you to want to be better?" Easier said that done as that is, that is probably 100% true. I shouldn't need to have a reason to want to get better. Be it for others or myself. Knowing that God probably created every strand, every flaw, every imperfection on me from my eyes to my thighs to my toes on purpose alone should be the reason I don't need this anymore.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense now. Maybe I'm high on Fluoxetine and completely at peace like Buddha or something. But I just needed to get this out. Say whatever you like laa. At least I can get back to studying now without having to stone every once in while to think. Once again, thank you Anita (: My respect and admiration for you has again, been pushed up a notch and really, your future husband is very lucky :D You seem to have increased the gravity and pulled my feet back closer to ground now. It's not touching yet, but it's closer again (:

Spoof.

I.Am.So.Hot.
I showered three times today after I swam. Usually I have this thing about not over showering so my hair doesn't turn into a fuzzball but today, was an exception.
No no don't get me wrong here. I'm not talking blonde hair, bodylicious curves and thousand watt smile. I'm talking the 'you can fry an egg on my forehead kind of hot.' You wake up in the early morning and it isn't that bad. It's still misty and the air is kind of cool. At 10 in the morning, you see Mr. Sunshine through the clouds and tune up the fan a notch higher just to stop the sweat coming down your head. At 12, go out in the sun and you'll get an instant tan(Really look at my face; half white half black. Thankyougoggles.) At 3, you'd rather be a roasted chicken than caught outside. Mr sunshine seems to dissapear around 4-5ish nowadays and sometimes, it drizzles. UNFORTUNATELY, you couldn't wash a hamster with the amount of drizzle collected and it just increases the humidity causing it to be even hotter!
The irony of it is, that seeing these changes to the earth and hearing people complaining about it really is stoopid. I'm talking about the smokers, air polluters in vehicles, people who spit, litter, do not 'think,before you throw!' and basically, cause the earth(andme) to suffer because really, YOU complaining about it is just like throwing water into the sea. For instance I saw a worker smoke a ciggie and then, had the nerve to say "So hot laa." HAVE YOU GONE NUTSOO?
Let me now put my science into use. Smoking on your ciggie, just releases more carbon dioxide which then gets caught in the atmosphere. These heat waves, bounce back to the earth's surface and cause the green house effect which in turn leads to the egg on my head. Would you like it sunny side up? My speciality (:
But really people, there are times when I wish I had a magic wand and could start popping trees around me from the ground in an instant. I hate seeing barren land and seeing woodsaws just make me angry. Maybe thats why I like jungle tracking hmm? Because in the forest, I have nothing other than trees around me. I am NOT a hippie who carries signboards around saying 'Save the trees!' but I'm in full support of greens. Ooh and I even eat my veggies but that is not the point.
To be honest, I don't know whats the point I'm trying to make. Man all this heat is getting to my brain. I, am going to study. Like I should be. Hmm?

I Am Whacky.

No I haven't been sucked by a vacuum cleaner, eaten by a whale, captured by natives, left to fend for myself in Mars or even, squashed by a lizard (: I just merely have not been blogging. Tsk tsk, Sarah. That just shows how boring my life can get hmm? I need a hobby! Maybe I should start learn belly dancing, jump on a pogo stick the whole day or start investing in the huuge balloon castles you get in funfairs. (OMG those are fuun!) The worst thing is that when I have things to say, I'm in places the least convenient to a computer. Like in a shopping complex, the pool or yes, even the loo. So much so that I'm even thinking about getting those PDA things. WiFi, camera and GPS. So if I ever get lost in Timbaktoo, I'll still be able to find my way back. Anywho, enough with the meaningless chitterchatter. On to the tag. Whoopdeedoo!

THE RULES
We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. People who are tagged write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
8 LITTLE-KNOWN FACTS/HABITS ABOUT ME
1 I am extremely claustrophobic and scared of heights. So much so that when I play basketball in a group of people I get queasy and dizzy very easily. You know how little children loove to jump on beds? From young till now, I never enjoyed it. So while my siblings pounced up and down like a Jack in the box with their pj's on while they were young(ormaybetheystilldo:p) I would sit in the corner, sane and read a book. Or, maybe I would just stare. Hah, I am so civilized (:
2 I prefer swimming and showering when it's cold and late at night compared to when it's hot and in the day. I like the shock you get when cold water touches your skin and you get under the blankets after that. Ooh, kind of like wrapping yourself up in bundles of layers when you're in the the snow. Fun (:
3 Over-achieved, pretty, successful, tall, handsome and hunky, model-like people terrify me. Okay not to the extent that I run away or faint on the spot but I feel reeally uncomfortable being around ' these type'. I tend to wish I could melt on the spot and apparently, I'm known to have low self-esteem and insecurity by my parents. So the next time I look queasy and uneasy around you, please step down a level from your perfection so I can talk to you easily (: OR, maybe you miight just need a shower :p
4 I'm a perfectionist. I used to rewrite my school notes again eventhough I was already half a page through if the ink smudged somewhere in the middle. I get uncomfortable when things are messy and cluttered. Mummy says thats why my room is not untidy(selfpraiseisnopraisehmm?) and my toilet isn't hard to clean NOR smelly (: And when I feel dirty? I take a shower or else I start to get cranky and somehow end up feeling fat and like a hobo at the side of the street.
5 I like jungle tracking. I told Anderson this and apparently he said, " You're one of those special kinds hmm? Usually people would prefer to go scuba diving or rock climbing but YOOU, like jungle tracking." Yes I do. I sound like an environmentalist who wears 'Save the trees' tees but no, I just like smelling oxygen and feeling leaves brush my skin in the jungle. HOWEVER, I am in full support against pollution. I get angry when people smoke and throw rubbish out of the cars. I even give glares to people who spit so if you catch me glaring at you, please take a tissue and collect your spittle from the ground. Mother earth will thank you too (:
6 I can do a bridge. You know the thing which allows you to bend backwards from standing up and shape a 'U'? I never knew I could but tried one day I when I was 12 and poof! I saw the world from a different view altogether (: Literally, everything was upsidedown.
7 I do things in 7's. Since young I found out that it's my lucky number and somehow I tend to get carried away and seven-nise my doings just for 'luck' (: Hmm, like when I knock on the door? I do it seven times. If you notice I wrote this on the number seven thing too (:
8 I have a veery wild imagination when I get taken over by boredom. I don't know if I was just born like that or reading newspaper is bad for me but I tend to get paranoid especially when I'm alone. When I was young after reading the 'chicken story', I was afraid the sky would really fall, I carry my pencil just incase I need to poke anybody in the eye if I ever get kidnapped, I hate passerbys on motorcycles and vans with Indon workers inside who give you freaky glares and also, I don't ever look in the mirror too long at night. On the happier side though, I have always dreamt of a happily ever after marriage on the beach(when the beaches in Malaysia are no offense MrPresident, atrocious) I imagine working in some famous clothes line in a V-cut collared white shirt and pencil skirt(when the pencil skirt probably would be covering my whole body like a dress thanks to my ohsowonderfulheight) I want my future husbands proposal to me, to be real special like in a hot air balloon(when I told you, I can't even jump on my own bed without getting queasy) I want to cook a 10 course meal for a special occasion(when I can't even light a match without screaming) and I really want to star in something big, be it singing or dancing kind of thing(when I'm embarrassed to even sing in front of my own family) Basically, I am veery, ironic :c Ppft. Go on, laugh all you want, I know I'm a clown.

Ohmygawsh I can go on and on but you probably will claim I'm a stranger the next time you see me. Now, I'm scared of my ownself after it just hit me; I am freakishly weird. Come to think of it, I say goodnight to myself when I go to sleep, smile to myself when I wake up in the morning(after reading somewhere it apparently helps your mood the rest of the day), talk to my sister's hamster when I'm bored and can write my name a few times in huuge letters when I'm bored in class. I also design clothes on stick people, cut my food and prefer to eat slowly, like rainy days compared to sunny bright ones and stretch before I go to sleep hoping I'll somehow grow. Ohmygoodness. I am now going to whack some sense into my head. Oh no, there I go again- I whack myself in the head when I'm depressed. Urgh :c Promise you'll still hang out with me? If not, I'll just hang out with a tree, one that has pretty flowers laa :)

Pea sized brain; Pea sized thoughts.

It just hit me, that when you're confused? You tend to think more.
My face felt like it needed a facial. Unfortunately I realized at 10 pm and you know, facial centers aren't usually open at that morbid time of the day, well night actually. Being the bimbo that I sometimes am, I look in my cupboard and what do you know! I find a D.I.Y mask and the next thing I know, it gets slobbered onto my face and the clock ticks by as I wait for the mask to dry and clean my facial pores (:
I get bored and restless. Pacing up and down my room I finally settle down and open my drawer. I look and there, sitting under the midst of plastic bags which I somehowhavecollectedafterGodknowshowlong, find a striped box containing card. Not just any cards, 2006 cards.
If you're reading this and know who you are, I would just like to thank you for everything said and received. The encouragement and everything really somehow managed to send chills, tears, anger, relievement, fuzziness, disappointment, achievement, happiness and still, confusion down my spine.
Maybe I'm watching too many soap operas or a emotional fairy sprinkled dust on my head while I was asleep. But heck I know that all I read from the people who know who you are have really touched me and I appreciate them alot.
I guess lately, I've been kind of feeling like captain Jack Sparrow when he was stranded in the worldofwhite. Wait, I still think I do. The only difference is that now, I guess I feel a notch more satisfied, appreciated and content, knowing that there are people out there who, (I hope) care and don't think I'm a worthless nutcase. My brain however, goes on working it's wheels and scares me thinking, "But what if it was just a phase?"
Oh well, I really don't know what else to say. Just know that all the youknowwhoyouare/s who have managed to bless my life with the cards, concern and availability during my 2006? Are really appreciated and never would I trade anything for all of you. I love you all as much as Santa loves Rudolph. Hmm, suddenly I can't wait for Christmas (: But that's not the point now is it?)
Sigh, I think I think too much. It really is okay if noone understands this post. Because to be honest, I don't know if I myself really do. But nevermind, somethings are better left unknown, right? Or maybe, just for me to somehow understand.
Aah, after blabbering nonsense I am now content. Yay me (:
YFers? Yes, you play a biig part in here (:

O.M.G.
I am so amused with myself.
Maybe it's just the fact that I couldn't be bothered anymore after having a horribly screwed up day?
Or maybe I've just become immune and have no sense of pity whatsoever left in this body of mine.
I was walking down the stairs and out of nowhere, this baby lizard runs across. I have no time to step out of the way, moreover scream before I step my left toe on it. I pause for a second wondering if what I saw really did happen and if there really is a baby lizard, under my foot. Lifting it up, I'm horrified to see that yes, I did squish it with the bare flesh on my eversoclean toe.The part of which I am amused with myself is that; I didn't scream.
Not giving a care about it, I ask daddy to wipe it away and run up to type this for the whole world to see. No way am I contaminating my fingers wiping away a corpse of a dead baby lizard! Do I just have no sense of shame or whaat? (:
The point is NOW, I feel like a gigantic elephant:( Well actually closer to Godzilla. You know in the movie where he steps on people and squish their guts out? Worst of all, it really doesn't help that I had a fat day damnit :(
Knowing that the weight of my body is able to kill a creature isn't a very pleasant thought as much as I hate lizards thankyouverymuch.
Now, I feel fat. And heavy.
Urgh you idiotic dead lizard.
Don't mind me; I'm now just going to sterilize my toe.
May everyone have a great week and may mine, turn out not too bad too. (crosses fingers)
I think I need happy therapy. Ideas anyone?

Hey you Jo-anne Yu (:
I got your note today from Lauren Lim.
Now, I really miss you too (:
Yes, when you're back we'll go running across the street like mad women, pick up hot Eurasian guys, ride a motorcycle around KL, watch a scary movie at midnight and following that go clubbing in some night club, and paint our toenails multicolours, yup?
Okkay maybe not but we will do something fun (: and yes, within our age limit. Maybe like shoot off to space in a rocket? (: That's a thought.
You're marked already in my calendar.
I want a surfboard, kangaroo, koala bear, hunky Aussie boy but most importantly can't wait to see yoou! (:
Take care and all the best sweets!
Wow, I just dedicated a post to you.
(Touched touched you better feel!)
I L Y (: