Welcome back, beautiful.

A white summer dress, with flats.
The same, white summer dress, with flats.
And you look better in it, much better.
Mummy I don't like it, I want to look different.
Like, that.

No Birthday Girl?
No Birthday Girl?
Mm, she was just late to tag me on Facebook so here.
Tsen, you hot 'donkey' (: See the piece of steak at the bottom right corner?
Ian: Aren't you gonna eat something?
Sarah: Naah, I'm a vegetarian (:
Ian: Yeaah, right like I believe you.
Sarah: Yeah, I don't even eat eggs. Oh wait, eggs aren't meat. They're vegetarian approved.

Ooi;

Carrie Choo Li-Yen?
Remember the first, "SarahLeee."
I stared at you and replied, "Carrie Choo."
Brilliant Bimbo's, huh?

I'm still waiting for my pompom and my dolphins waiting to be petted.
You camwhore (:
I L Y, bimbo.
"We're perky and we're cheery,
We've got no doubts bout winning,
We're grinning and we're shouting,
We're here to make you proud.
Dumdadadum *clapclap*"
Oh, My, Gawsh. I think it's embedded into my head permanently.
Sloo, see how I'm wearing you? (:

Your, sixteenth.

Not sure where, not sure what.
"It's okay just go and do your best."
Aqua Blue? White?- White. One piece, No frills, more me.
Juicy Couture, Juicy Girls. Juicy Girls in a Juicy Couture mirror?
Pictures, pictures, frame, notes, giddy, done.
"Not good enough, Sarah. Just, thisss?"
Clipped up? Let loose, either way it didn't look that good now, you didn't.
Bright lights, Brighter smiles, Brighter clothes. All- beautiful.
Flat, Sharp, Tall, Toned, Thin.
Under the spotlight, everythings, too bright. Everything else is but you still can't see, can you?
Conversation, made sensible.
Smiles, the Smile.
Beautiful, so uber beautiful.
Insecurity.
Vulnerability.
And being underage.
Shakes our heads, OhMyGaawsh.
Unacceptable, not predictable and undefyable.
Bliss, eh?
Smiles, Alcohol, Smiles.
Tiffin Bay.
Happy Birthday, Tsen.
Smile, tons of smiles.
A group of teenagers, a flickering candle, a few couples and one girl in her whitesummerdress.
Beautiful, perfection, flawlessness.
Uncontrolable, insecurity.
"Nah, it's okay I'll walk you down."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, (:"
"Heh, naah I'm the middle child, you know middle? Yeah."
Familiarity, security, warmth in the iceblended liquid.
Is this now, Sarah?
"Let's go, home."
.
Happy birthday, Tsen.
I L Y, pretty.

Boys are stupid- throw rocks at them. Mm, okay maybe pebbles.

It's funny how at two plus, little girls and boys chase each other. And the boys squeal, and sometimes their squeal pitch is much higher than the girls'.
It's funny how when kindergarten starts, little girls compare how shiny their shoes are, how brightly their shoe lights shine, how loudly they can snap and who can colour inside the lines better.
When primary school starts, it's funny how the competition in, who can run faster from the class to the canteen is so visible. Funny when little girls compare with little boys on who raises their hands faster when the teacher asks a question.
It's funny how girls treat guys like an unidentified species between 9-11. Funny remembering how they were just, another annoying creature that always put your bag down on the floor, wrote messily in their books, and threw paper planes all over the place. The made the stupidest of noises, and 'Bbsshh!!''- imitated ships colliding when a teacher was in front.
It's funny how girls think boys are weird species when they reach twelve. Weird because at times the make complete sense, and at times, they are just complete- goofballs.
It's funny how the older you get, the more mature boys' brains seem to become. And how the things they say really do make sense at times.
It's funny how the stupidest things boys do now, can actually leave a girl feeling the most insecure.
Hence the title, but I am compensating and giving them pebbles instead.
And this, is JUST a though mind you.
JUST a thought.

"I don't feel too good."

"A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they've got planes and trains and cars,
I'd walk to you if I had no other way."
Daddy said he wouldn't mind removing the modem if it becomes too distracting. Currently, I think I actually agree with him. Eek, my homeworks pilled up and I really don't do stress too well. In the past week, I've stayed up till four, awoke at six and tried pinching myself to stay awake; I still fell asleep I think.
The clouds have ceased a little and I have slipped, barely hanging on it's grey lining but I'm still alive. It's been feeling pretty hectic, chaotic, and insecure recently, thanks. But on the weekend, I guess I can say it was fun.
Oh, Romeo got his hair cut; he looks like a girl (like the originial poodle breeds)n ow and that just adds to the pink collar he wears. I walked in through the door, looked at him and though that the family had purchased a new dog without my knowledge but he ran to me, bit my toes and I know that couldn't possibly be true. I have nothing whatsoever about guys who wear pink; though it has to be the right type of cut and colour that suit them. So Romeo, as gay as you look now, I still think you're the sweetest thing ever.
The weekend then; Cloverfield, and the Sleepover.
.
Picked the Loo siblings up and headed to OneUtama to meet Lauren, Joanne, Cass, Zoe and Phye. Fulfiled a 'Sleo' resolution in Zara and window pictured with identical jumpers.
SarahLee, "I Love You, SaraLoo. :D"
We took turns holding the camera I just realised.
Above; I was holding it.
Below; She was (:
And then we influenced a whole posse.
Sarah, Zoe, Joanne, Sara.
Three of us were wearing 'Geek' shirts and Hawaian floral skirts. Zoe wore a dress (:
Heh, GEEEK.
Headed to Nandos for dinner and killed more chickens than the place already kills. With our, eight orders. The world is now short of eight more chickens.
We were supposed to do a pose but we didn't know what to do. I picked up a fork, and PhyeBeng used his almighty Buddha hand.
Didn't turn out that bad huh- we prop well Phye (:See, the protein elongated my hand.
HEH, I wish (:The chicken killers.Headed to the top floor to play Foosball;
and Pool.Stalked a little boy and accidently, got his bossom on the camera.
It was meant to be a father son shot but it failed. Booo.And we took pictures ourselves (:
It was 10:45pm when we decided to buy tickets to watch Cloverfield with the guys and got tickets at the very last minute.
Eh, Joanne you know I just realised we got to cut a really long line. As in, poof and three little girls were in the front row.It was a good movie; different which was what made it good I guess.
Finished at one in the morning and still had enough energy left to take a picture.
OHH, see all the normal people; then the notsonormal one at the right corner? (:

Trust JoelLee to do weird things at one am in the morning huh?Lauren didn't stay because she had driving the next day.
Booo, you ):
" Yellooooo? How may I he-elpct tchyouu?" :D
Before we left we found a huge ChineseSymbol; got fascinated and hoped it wasn't a swear word. Nehh, couldn't have been right?Got home, showered and slept. SLEPT (:
The next morning, we woke up and had pancakes- ThankYouDaddy.
And I also increased my knowledge about; Mm, quite alot of stuff right you three older ones?
Yehh, I remind us of old aunties who sit forever and talk about; absolutely nothing all of a sudden.
Slee.Sloo.Casie and Zoe; with identical shirts (: And the pancake.Joanne and Sloo.Watched Final Destination which was a little boring at the start.
Then it got gory.And then turned disgusting. Which made it not so bad after all (:
I am a sadistic girl.
And after that was all done, we got ready and headed to YF.
Thanks, dearies (:
I have to do my homework pile now; and I don't even know where to start.
Blekk.

Barney is not a dinosaur- he's a purple suit.

I think my phone needs prayer. Or more like, I need prayer.
You know how I got a new phone, a few months ago?- Daddy told me my old one was actually still in good condition and it wasn't necessary but we got a new one anyway (:
I promised to keep the new one in good condition like I had to my last one, promised that I wouldn't need a new one for a veeery long time. But then, I dropped it.
Okay I dropped, dropped, dropped, dropped, dropped it.
And mind you, somehow the drops weren't feathery ones.
The first time I dropped it was in Singapore. I was walking down the stairs, opened my pouch and all of a sudden I see this pink shiny object down the stairs. I scream, Daddy turns around, I go 'OhMyGaaawsh' repeatedly, and Daddy goes, 'Saraaaah."
The second time, the most unfortunate of the lots, was when I dropped it two time consecutively. I was on my was to the pool, got a message (ICurseWhoeverTheMessageWasFrom) and it slipped. I screamed on the road, and picked it up, and somehow, it slipped again. I was thisss close on the verge of tears but I promised myself I would be careful and not let it drop, again.
Things went okay for a while and I knoow somehow it reached the filthy floor once more and today, idiotically, today. It hit the grey pavement and this time, got scratched. Scratched loves ):
You know how I can be super perfectionistic? Up to the point I threw away my whole classtimetable I did because I just wasn't satisfied even if I stayed up till two in the morning? Yeah I seriously detest my scratch phone right now. Okay I don't detest the phone, I kind of detest the fact that I dropped it and there are visible scratches on it now. Scratches, means that it ain't new looking or that shiny anymore. And that's not good when you're a perfectionist, like really.
Eek, so do pray that my fingers don't get any more slippery, and pray that I don't get too depressed (: Okay?
On the more bimbotic side, I walked past the TV room and saw the sports channel on. JoelLee was watching too and then guess who's face appeared on the screen.
ROY KEANE. I was quite proud of myself because I knew who he was and what club he used to be from. I'm saying used to because apparently now he's managing Sunderland, correct? At least that's what they typed at the bottom in bold letters. So it's either the TV is lying or my eyes are faulty.
I got a little confused because all these while, I've always known him to be part of ManchesterUnited so seeing him as manager of a club I've never heard of was a teensy bit awkward.
And then, I decided to be smart; or at least attempt to be. I though, I should at least expand my knowledge and ask, why he was suddenly the manager of Sunderland.
And then stupidity hit me, hard.
Sarah : Kooor, I though Roy Keane was in One Utama laa?
We both kind of paused, and stared at each other, because now that sentence just doesn't seem right does it? I somehow thought it sounded out of the world but didn't know exactly what I had said wrong, and he was probably just in shock from the nonsencality that I had just gibbered.
JoelLee : Yeah Sarah, I saw him there the other day.
And then it hit me that somehow, I had said OneUtama, instead of ManchesterUnited.
*NonMalaysians- OneUtama is a shopping mall by the way.*
I screamed out of disbelief, and JoelLee, made it that much better by doing the WHOLE, bimbo act to me.
JoelLee : Uhh, Bimboooo!
He waved his hand and even shook his head. Eek.
So yeah, I feel so much smarter now. But at least I knew that he was a ManchesterUnited guy okaay. Oh great, I have the sudden urge to watch football, and play Foosball. You know the whole 'foo-' thing going on?
I'm off now.
I have school tomorrow and a pile of homework on my desk unfinished.
I realised that theres assembly tomorrow and I don't need to wear a tie, I also realised I don't think I know how to tie a tie anymore. I remember in Std five I had this whole AvrilLavigne obsession going on and thought ties were- cool. Look, now she wears 'toootooos' and fish net leggings; in shocking pink. How ironical.
SaraLoo, I'm so happy I managed to shrink you.
JoanneYu, I miss you already, come back please.
And final destination-ers; BOOO.
SzeYen's back- for ChineseNewYear (:

And pictures of the sleepover are to come.
Have a great week everyone; I am going to miss those I do not see, really.
'Taa pretties.

H20.

In the pool, noones knows when you cry.
Because everything that come out is water, anyway.
Even if your eyes turn red, you cover them up perfectly with goggles.
You don't taste the salt water because you're too busy focusing on not opening your mouth at all; chlorine doesn't do wonders as far as I know.
I don't think I've swam that hard, gasped that strongly or sigh so loudly evrn on land. It doesn't help completely knowing that the pool is only 50m's long, and that the furthest you can get after you're done with a lap is head back directly where you came from. The burning sensation which still doesn't fell good enough, and the panting makes swimming even better. Because at least that takes it all away for a moment, right?
Ironically, the times when she pants in the pool; the time she feels like it's not so close tailing on her back, is the time she also feels like she's not going to be able to inhale enough oxygen in her next breath. Feels like it really doesn't seem worthit to surface and be human, not fish for even that little while.
But after a while, the chlorine water kind of swipes the salt water away, but noone could taste it in the beginning, right?
After a while, she removes her goggles and the redness in her eyes fade away too, the deep panting slows down and her pulse rate turns back to normal. She doesn't know if she wants it too though.
But in the end, she pops her head underwater and draws it out with her deepest breath, emerges and towels dry, and heads back to; nothing- which seems like everything.
I'm passionately in love with H20, are you?

Narcissisticity.

Dear JoanneYu,
Thank you for tagging me and helping me waste all my time away (:
I have a pile of homework to do but I succumbed to the evil temptation of being, tagged. I am really going to miss you when you go back and I really can't wait to see you again okay? Oh, and this Friday, our toes are still waiting to be painted maroon.
I L Y even if you're a seven hour plane ride away and am still waiting for my old Vietnamese man in a pointy hat and bicycle.
Lovelove, SarahLee.
.
And here it goes;
Last picture taken of yourself.
When- Ihavenoidea; when I remembered I actually do, wear glasses and decided I look like a nerd.
Where- My yellow litted room.
This picture is so narcissistic. Oh and I actually googled that word Eugene (:A picture with friends.
-I know I break the rules by putting three but I like these ones (:
Me, Rachel and Germaine.
The Sheeells.
And the Wackys (:
But really, there are tons more special ones even if I didn't post you up here, really (: A picture of you in a fitting room.
-With Nicole, babe.A picture of you with Christmas tree decors.
-Me and Barbie (: Oh and I realised it has a Christmas tree, and Decos.A picture of you showing a 'peace' sign.
-The first one is with SaraLoo, the second one is with KevinLoo and he's doing a peace sign (: One of my favourite sibling paairs.A picture of you in black & white + did you take it in black & white or Photoshop.
-Photoshopped (: And my Butterfly at the back. A picture of you in school uniform (if already graduated, then go get your photo from the report card)
-Huh, what uniform? But these are the closest I got to uniform and my two favourites I think (:
Germ and Me; LittleMisstidy,LittleMissShy, RedGlasses.
Nic,Evelyn,Me- Ourhugebelts. A picture of you doing weird things + what are you doing.
Me trying to eat Rachel because she was being too syok sendiri. Oh and on her birthday too (:A picture of you wearing black.
-After my hair got bitten off by my dog and my head felt lighter.A picture of you wearing orange.
I don't have a single picture with me in orange, so I thought this would be the closest.
My skin is orange (: A picture of you wearing red.
With JasonVoon (: The evil dreamer at Anderson's wedding.I don't know who to tag exactly (:
So I won't tag anyone.
Taa, pretties.

I'm currently happy, savour it.

You know how swimming helps elongate your body? -or how it's supposed too?
Well then how do you elongate your face?
Mm, maybe you go for face spas- where they massage and pull it (:
Oh wait, that actually sounds a little bit like uhh, torture.
And I just realised, I don't think I'm growing, up anymore.
Do I look taller to youu?
Yeah definately not, up. Booo ):
-I passed you today, and you really are a pretty face.
Maybe just anotheroneofthose pretty faces.
A very pretty one, though (:

Lava.

I hate you for making it seem worthit- Making it seem like it was all so much better despite the bouts when it was hard as stone, and made me feel as numb as ice.
I hate you for taking away what I had achieved. Taking away what I had to deny but silently felt good about. And although it drove harder and deeper into pain even more, it felt, safe at times.
I hate you for taking away what I had earned, every inch, ounce, second, fight and sense of control. Because everytime I said "No." at least I was sure of what I was doing.
I hate you for being so captivating. So beautiful, yet leave me feeling like you really are slightly faux. You utter more words to your computer probably than you do to me the whole entire day. A simple "Hi." when I get back and that's it. Pour your water into your orange cup and go upstairs again. But it's okay. Because, -she just has issues anyway.
Yes I do have issues. But now the issues seem much harder. And I don't really think I'm coping inside very well.
Because right now, I hate you, you and you.
And I'm sorry I seems self centered. I'm sorry I'm not really thinking about alot of people right now, but I've tried and I can't help it.
Because like I said, I don't trust myself when it comes to vulnerability. It's just doesn't seems worthit to risk getting disappointed. And as beautiful as the moment may seem, the hangover when rejection, sarcasm and hormonal imbalances strike seems to have a more excruciating effect. At least right now, it doesn't.
So there I am not in the best of moods right now, and it's okay that you don't seem to care.
Okay that you just take it as an opportunity to bring me down even more.
Okay that you aren't doing that much about it.
And like I said, right now, I'm feeling really strongly, hatred towards the fact that it seems; you've taken away everything I've achieved.
I hate this.
Oh, and I hate myself too.
And how come right now, you aren't around to tell me what I'm to do?

Sunday Morning.

I put on my Butterfly and Cross necklace, because I can't wear it on weekdays. Put it on because although I'm not superstitious, it feels safer, like there's something holding me although only by a thin silver string if I were to fall hard on concrete ground. Put it on because the smoother times are visible with it around my neck, and maybe that was what it was all along, right? That Butterfly and Cross necklace.
And it all goes, okay, I smile and just hope with all I can that it continues on like that.
I wake up pass three in the morning to empty my bladder and when I return to my bed, I trip. Trip on the tear stained blanket that is so familiar and so comfortable. So distant and so terrifying, my pink blanket whose eyes have seen, everything heard every word. Because I've told and shown it everything. I fall knee first onto the ground and feel a sharp pain on my cheek, I grunt because it's after three and just rub it, moaning silently because I'm so, tired already. I fall back asleep and pretend I didn't hear the alarm clock ring, but wake up nonetheless. It's Sunday, right?
BlueTop, SkinnyJeans, WhiteEarings, WhiteLeatherBag and a mirror. The one that stands out most is, the mirror. Because all the others are just accessories to the whole object portrayed in, the mirror. An insecure, afraid and unsure object.
In the car she takes out her camera and glances at the photos from the day before. Compares, criticizes and dislikes. Zooms into herself and surveys every inch and complains about it silently. Wishes it weren't there. Wishes, she couldn't see it. Not even a single millimeter of it. Behind her, sit four little girls. Four little girls in colourful tops and pretty hairbands. Giggling, talking and just looking pretty. Inferiority, insecurity, vulnerability is held back. Four little girls, who make her big self, huge self seem so small inside.
"Mummy, do I look fat in this? I hate how my arms look, I really do."
You try to explain but it seems like gibberish. Because what I think is so much more real. what I feel is so much stronger than those few words you utter. The few words you utter when you shake your head and look sadly into my eyes.
"No, Sarah, you don't."
I just look away because I don't think I can take it anymore. I don't want to hear anymore because it's not true what you say. What I feel, is.
The music plays and the hymns are sung. I close my eyes and try to feel, I hear the words and that is all.
"..Cleanse me from my sin, deep within."
My sin- is feeling the way I do, is it? But no, that's just how I am. It's something real which you all just deny. How can you know me better than I do? But I've heard you tell me before. tell me that I should let it go and that it's all wrong thinking. Wrong to be thinking like that because what right do I have to feel this way, when He has made you Sarah? What reason do you need to, need to feel this way? I don't really know what reason I have, but I do know it feels so strong and is terrifying.
I look at you sitting beside me and smile when I tell you about how I bumped my cheek in the middle of the night. And I kind of laugh when I tell you about how I think fingers are really cool, and that we can use our fingers to turn the bottle cover, but it's near impossible to do that with out toes. And suddenly I realise how that feeling has weakened. No doubt, it is still there, so strongly but I realise how much it has weakened from an hour before. My arms are still the same size, so are my legs. And I still think I would change them if I could. But the point is, the feeling has weakened. And I guess that somehow gives me that teeny little bit of, hope.
I see you and I smile hoping that everything will be normal. I tremble, hold my tongue. I'm scared again. Scared I did something wrong, again. Disappointed because I don't know what it is. That helps now, doesn't it. I'm scared I've given into vulnerability and disappointed myself like I had before. But today thank God, there are other people around. But, what if that's just for today?
I try my hardest to shrug it off and realise I have to help in Sunday School. I'm scared I won't know what to do but walk into the class, that class of eleven eight year olds and smile. Smile when I walk in and little Kelly greets me with a, " Sarah, you look so pretty today (:"
I think, "Yeaah right, that's not possible hun." I don't just say it in my head, I feel it genuinely inside me. But then I realise again, how it has weakened from this morning. I still feel like crying. But compared to the bucket I would have accumulated a few hours back, now it'd probably only be a jug full.
And I carry out and cut the little stickers to give them.

I feel so productive (:
Because I actually HAVE pictures of events that happened in the last 48 hours. And that actually proves that things HAVE been happening to me! Not the most interesting but nonetheless that shows that I really don't rot at home although it seems like it most of the time.
Usually when stuff happen I either don't bother to take pictures because they don't turn out nice- no inspiration :p, or I don't have my camera with me. And speaking of camera, I am currently contemplating on whether I should get a new one. What do YOU think? Should I blow all my money and blow bubbles at the side of the street? Or should I just stick to my Olympus which seems to be producing blur-rer pictures lately? (Eugene or PhyeBeng is going to correct me again sooner or later for my disgustfull use of English, eek.) Because it's either just me being fussy, or everyone elses camera seems to be taking much clearer pictures. BOO ): So what do youu think, hmhmhmm?
.
Anywhoo;
Me being the, ahem youngernice sister that I am, made a drink for JoelLee on the spot.
JoelLee: Yerr, I'm thirstyy.
Sarah: OHH, can I make you a drink puhlease?
And you see how I suggested it instead of him? (Willyoupatmyhead?) At first he was kind of reluctant, mm more of hesitant. He wasn't sure what I was going to conjure up and neither was I but then a brilliant idea popped in my head and since I've always wanted to be like PaulBasset the coffee guy on TravelandLiving, I decided to TRY to make him chocolate things (: He said that I should probably start with Milo; you know simple and known to me incase I poison him or he ends up a crab tomorrow. And although I had my high expectations of making this ubercoolCHOCOLATE drink, I opened the drawer, and got out a tin of; Milo. Not the fanciest drink of all but I was determined to make it look good justforhim, right Korr?
I was hoping it would turn out really pretty, with the chocolate drizzle at the side which made the patterns and with the powdered stuff on top but it didn't get that close to my expectations I think. The first thing I did was get the waterboiler out. I turned it on and waited, and waited. After a while, I realised that there was NO water inside and I had been boiling, uhh air. I knoow, I know; BIMBO but I thought there was water inside already okaay!
The second attempt succeeded and steam was released from the tiny air vent. (Yaay) I measured, mixed, poured and shook it with lotsandlots of ice cube in the cool metal shaker Daddy had bought to make it cold; he wanted it to be icedMilo. PICKY. After shaking it, I got out his beloved HersheyChocolate sauce from the fridge and ATTEMPTED, to make the patterns at the side. It's either the Malaysia weather that is too hot or the sauce was spoilt because instead of holding by the glass sides, it dripped down and formed a puddle at the bottom. PPFT. I gave it to him anyway (:
And you knoow what? I prayed, he drank it, and he gave it an 8/10! Eek, I was soo happy (: Like I said, so accomplished. I told him how I felt and he was like, "MMPH." Buut, he did thank me after that and he said it was a good first attempt.
Giggle,giggle.
The stupid sauce that ruined the presentation; but not the taste (:

The silly brother that ruined the atmosphere; but not the taste.
Heh,kidding laa. The finished product; which definitely meant that the taste was not ruined (:
Ohh, I would also like to take this opportunity to say that JoelLee has a skyhigh metabolism.
He can eat a cow and not put on a single pound of the 'F' word. You stole all that part of the genes laa. He also loves sugar and does not have a sweet tooth. He has an abnormal tooth because no matter how much sugar you load him with, he still wouldn't think it's- too sweet. And you know I wanted a brother sister shot thinking; it's the least he could do right?
I smiled, took it and when I looked and saw his face I was disappointed, DISAPPOINTED.
So we tried again.But he didn't get better and I just gave up.
"Like I'm ever making Milo for you again!"
Hee, naah I'll gladly do it for you anyday, beloveed :p
.
YF opening called for something a little more special than usual and we had the 'Bananas in Pyjamas' theme. (Cue'sChoyYuinYi) The main idea was to come dressed in your pyjamas and bring a bunch of bananas.
(Sidetracking- how come Bananas in Pyjamas are, bananas? OhMyGawsh thinking about it makes it so nonsensical now. Who in the right mind wants to have bananas as friends laa. I'm so disappointed in the whole childrentvprogramme industry nowadays- Telletubbies, that's like introducing kids to mild horror shows. Right?)
BUUT; we came dressed to sleep and with yellow fruits in our hands. So I think most people came with the fruits because I came in a teensy bit late. OOPS.Banana fashion show for Banana Republic.
OhMyGawsh, I made myself laugh.
Ughh, that is actually so lame. Stop it Sarah, stop it! Yuck, I'm actually soo retarded ):
Banana-Corp.OUR statue of Liberty. And I'm not sure what these too were meant to be.The sane ones (:The one that tried to kill me; too much bananas did he have.The twin (:
LOOK, we're both wearing LittleMissTees and red glasses! Eek (:
Mine was LittleMissShy and hers was LittleMissGiggles. I knoow, noo kidding for hers right?Then we decided to switch glasses and found out we even have quite the same power (: I got giddy after a while though. Thus the retardation look in the picture. Hangover from glasslensespower, the closest I've gotten to being drunk.
I L Y laaaa Germ- "OhNOOO!"There was this huuge fan thing that kind of caught out attention right Jyu?
So we decided to attempt to be, ahem supermodel-ish.
Didn't really work out superbly but nonetheless, you both are still awesome (:And Zoe doesn't care what you think. So theree (:.
Then came today; Sunday and we decided to coordinate what we were going to wear- skinny jeans and ballet flats (: Before I left YF, I heard LaurenLim scream, "SarahLeee, skinnyjeans and flats tomorrow! Okay?" Those who know me will also probably know I hardly wear jeans out if it's possible not too but I broke the barrier today. Usually, I wear what Zoe wears- the prettyoneinthemiddle but today, I covered my legs. Aand Daddy believes modestly is the best policy.RIGHT to left-
Joanne, Lauren, Me.
Skinnypersoninskinnyjeans, Skinnypersoninskinnyjeans, blob in skinnyjeans.
Eew, my arms look kinda err, swollen. DISGUSTING. I currently am going to undergo depression."We're bringing sexy baack (:"
Quote, Justin Timberlake.
.
And that pretty much sums up my weekend.
I got a picture of a tambourine,
and stalked an uncle in a coffee shop. He was pouring tea and smiling to everyone who passed by. Cute, eh? Oh and just so you know, I adoree ChineseTea (: It's supposed to umm, cleanse you? Yeah, I like feeling cleansed.

It's back to school tomorrow. It's still as scary as Telletubies so please continue to pray.
Have a great week everyone (:
'Taa.
Oh, and 'that' just 'helped', 'so' much more.
And, I think I miss you already.

EggTart.

Did you know;
That apples give me goosebumps? That even if I don't eat an apple, the sound of someone sinking their teeth into it is enough to give me little bubbles on my skin?
That I love, the pool and the beach and rain, but detest water parks? Despite the eversoabundent supply of water provided at water parks, I cannot walk around knowing that the water on the ground has been there for quite a long time and contains everyones feet bacteria inside. And when I say I can't, I mean to the extent that I have even cried because I just felt so, disgusted. Right, Daddy?
I am a sucker for sweet things. No not empty calorie sweet things more like when and old couple goes out for dinner and holds hands. Like when a four year old child walks hand in hand and tells her Daddy about- what she did in kindergarten today. Like when the male species actually talks sense and, say meaningful things. The smallest things that leave the hugest impact. Like when small messages get sent in the middle of the night because -youoweme. RightBestie? Like when subtle posts, go on Blogger after subtle conversations- RightAwesomeness? Like when you know somethings wrong and you just hug me before you say anything at all-RightMummy?
That vulnerability is like a four letter word to me. That sometimes I hate myself for even thinking for a second that- it won't hurt to be vulnerable?
That I feel soo stupid for being so shallow after having looked at, looks first? And mind you, I'm learning to step out slowly; I really am. As pretty as you maybe, I think I'll go with anti vulnerability more for now.
That I am really, very scared?
That I get annoyed when I write and it smudges, so much so that I tear out the whoole page and start all over again?
That it hurts to see that you don't see how much I show how upset I get, when I feel like you're ignoring me and I'm not up to your standerds, the way she can measure up to yours; and she's not even related by a drop of blood.
That my arm stings because you, hit me again. And like I've said before- what right do you have, huh?
That I can't can't wait till my hair grows long. I'm planning to get the effortlesslynaturalwavy look. I told Daddy when I showed him in the magazine. He says it doesn't take that much effort, "Just don't comb your hair, Sarah." I'm waiting till the year end and seeing how long it'll be then. I caan't wait (:
That I loove H20. And really whenever I think about it, it strikes me agin that I really really do.
That I suddenly really, miss Melbourne.
MM, and I think that's about it for now.
I either need to bash the computer up, or emerge my whole house in water to prevent ot from being useable before the rest of the school term starts. Or I swear, I am going to end up by the roadside, blowing bubbles to get a few coins everyday in order to live.
ToodleLoo (:
And Sloo and Kloo, I'm really miss both of you.
OHH, and JoelLee was sitting down watching TV after eating his icecream and this conversation took place.
.
Sarah: Eh ko, you are such a potato couch. Oh and you know what? If you take the two letters of potato couch, you get PC. And that's like- computer (:
JoelLee: Uhh, it's couch potato la tan-tart.
(For all you people who can't speak Chinese, like me, tan-tart means egg tart in Cantonese. I knoow like that has no relevance whatsoever to being silly. Right? Such an, eggtart.)
Sarah: Noo, then what happens to the computer? Not cool anymoree.
JoelLee: Uhh, okaay.
.
And then he goes back to being a couch potato and I go swimming.
Now, don't you think that's, funny? (:
I hate this post, I think it's so, stupid. I dissapoint myself, don't you think so?

SarahStump(-'sonyou.)

Dear, dear you.

Next time you want to display a body part of mine to a whole crowd, according to your whim and fancy, I suggest you start with the waist up.
Because you know, I never have liked my legs anyway. It's always been the lower waist that is despised more. Always has and always will be.
Not long enough.
Not lean enough.
Not the right size.
Not supposed to look, that way.
So thanks for making Cameron Diaz's legs look that much more beautiful now compared to mine. You did a great job in making me feel awesome, and I'm sure you know that, right?

You don't swear remember, Sarah.

Half, won.

It's seeing you sigh when I tell you the same sentence again, seeing the dissapointment yet not being willing enough, strong enough to let go of the familiarity.
It's seeing you nod your head, telling me it's okay and, "I'm not that tired, really." -because you always try to do your best whenever you can without any complaint.
It's seeing you type your messages on your screen and feel that tad bit neglected. Knowing that when my name appaears on the screen it only gets replied, once. Seeing you go out so willingly yet hesitate when it's with me. Being replied with a, "Ya, we'll see."
It's hearing you talk back. Seeing you glare at me when I tell you something. And feeling that overwhelming rudeness- that 'I don't care about age' attitude when we're in the same room. Wanting so badly to answer back as haughtily, as highly and with half the amount of confidence projected in your replies to me. Knowing that truthfully, doing that will not actually help both sides, yet feeling my throat swell up because I'm not able to do it, even if I wanted too- because I know I'll hurt more than you will.
It's feeling like a burden when there is obviously something wrong, yet not having the slightest clue what. Watching so carefully what I say, what I do and how I act but only getting one word replies, different from how they used to sound. Colder, than how they used to sound. The hardest part is that, I don't even know what I did wrong.
It's feeling jittery, when the closest we've got is probably two arms away and have never uttered a single word to each other before. Knowing that a year ago, these feelings wouldn't have existed, because, they weren't important.
It's the dissapointment, yet satisfaction in allowing myself to taste the vulnerability for that second. That split second which could not be turned back. And I just sat there, hoping for the best to come out of it. It's not that I detest the outcome. It just, didn't go the way I had planned. Because- ".. not everyone feels the way that you do at a certain time, Sarah. "Then I wonder, maybe that split second I clicked the button, wasn't worth the intense emotional feeling in that five minutes, at all.
It's the shallowness of it all, and how I even tried to see it as deeper than it really was. Pathetic, Sarah. Just, pathetic. Because there's no way, no way at all that it's going to work. And you have enough control to not let it happen, don't you?
It's not feeling good enough.
It's not being able to relive that moment, that seemingly blissfull moment. Because, you can't by any chance control the future.
It's the uncertainty that scrapes the already exposed scratch. Causing more pain, than it already can bear.
It's not being tall enough, not having the certain features, not having the certain personality, not being the certain size.
It's the ability to see the reflection, and not, like it? Because it doesn't seem that perfect. And if it was, then there wouldn't be any uncertainty, and misunderstandings, any fear.
There, I think that sums it up. But, it still hurts, you know?

Love, Belle.

I. Hate. Old. Videos, really

I walked down the stairs on my toes and guess what, I found Sandra watching videos of us when were, five. Okay maybe not five, I was twelve, she was seven. It was a compilation where Daddy just put all the videos he had taken from our events onto one CD.

She had her Ballet concert.

I had my stupidcheerleadingthing, in std 6.

Her video came before mine and when I saw it, I kind of stopped walking past the room, and smiled. I let out a "Omg, Sandra is that you? You look so adorable." And stepped inside and watched it with her. Watched her doing all her ballet moves, curtsies and twirls in her ever so flamboyant skirt. Then, came my stupidcheereladingthing. And I looked revoltingly, disgusting and fat. Urgh, now I know why I hate looking at my old pictures and why I don't. I make it a point not too actually.

I gawked, actually gawked and Sandra looked at me a second like I was into fits. So now, it's a wee bit depressing, knowing that the 'middle child' thing is probably true. It's a wee bit scary, thinking about how Cinderella is quite relevant in this case. And I'm like the bignoseandhugebutted sister. About how she will definitely blossom into a beautiful flower, and I shall be a leaf, a wilted leaf. Okay at most I'll be a grass flower. You know the type which people cut off every month? Oh ya, I think they're called weeds.

Don't get me wrong, I think she's beautiful, she really is. It's just depressing, very depressing. Remind me to never watch old videos again, okay? Ppft, I feel terrific, can you tell? And a happy new year to you too.

And what happened to, near invisible, Sarah?

Anywho, New Year pictures with some of my favourite people (:
Bang.

Kloo.Sloo.HoLeeTay, RiHanDiy, Sloo, Zoe (:And just because I felt like it.

Note: I nearly got run down by a car while this shot was being captured. Oh the stupid things I do. Love, the Middle Child.

It's been a while since I've stepped into the uniform shop.
A while since I've stepped into Bata and looked for all white shoes, instead of the highest ones there that were, just for fun.
A while since I've psyched myself to get ready to look like bubblegum in the bright blue.
But it kind of ended today. When trying on the skirt and pinafore and white tops came. And then choosing the right shoes size, finally aproached.
And all you avid readers out there; it's going to be Taman Sea.
It's a dispicable bittersweet feeling. Knowing that there's a high, yet low, chance that things will be okay. That people and circumstances will be okay. The bitter part of it is, that I don't know whihc one it will be. Do pray ): Because it's so scary. It's even scarier than when I used to run straigh on my bed after I hit the off button on the lights, becaused I just watched a movie where a green swamp monster emerged from the ground.
I remember when I was form 1 and I wanted to wear the Baju Kurung because the pinafore made me look, disgusting. And daddy didn't really approve of it. I asked him again last night and despite the slightly torn feeling I think he had inside, he said "It's not an issue now, Sarah." Today, I ended up getting both pairs, to grant that slight bit of satisfaction to both sides.
Wake up, Breakfast and head to school.
That's the furthest I've gotten in planning the day tomorrow. And it's terrifying to think I don't know what's to come after that. I'm scared, can you tell?
Scared because I have this small scenario in my brain of how it would be when it doesn't turn out okay, and scared because there's the other scenario I want to have happen, but don't know about how I will react if it doesn't happen as planned.
Please pray. That I won't get heart attack halfway on the journey because of fright. Pray that I would be able to adapt well and that I won't trip, tear my uniform or wake up late because of my alarm clock which was set to the wrong time the night before.
I'm scared, can you tell?

2008.

I'm not going to say it's been easy because, it hasn't. It hasn't been easy to look and take it down, knowing that I have too; that all bodies somehow have too. It hasn't been easy to let the cereal box slip down the basket, and forbidding the counting as tempting as it may seem. But I guess like you said, " It's just like any cereal, Sarah. It's all about the same." It's been bittersweet watching E! entertainment and browsing through all the writeups, envying size 0 silhouettes yet knowing that flipping those pages are really not going to help that much. Avoiding the drop, paying attention to the tiniest detail.
It hasn't been easy, letting go of the 'everythinghastobeperfect' part that's so strong, so excruciatingly painfully, strong. Not daring to step into the uncertainty, because of how strongly associated with uncomfortablity it is. All the struggles. The scratches, self-caused scratches, broken objects which can be mended, and highly possibly, broken emotions that are definitely harder to mend. The bucketloads of tears, the handful of ever surprising smiles and the beautiful tinge of laughter allowed through it all.
It hasn't been easy walking through shopping complexes and seeing all those people. The seemingly size 0 people that seems to have it all. That like Barbie, you can bend, twist and play with them but they won't be that easy to break. Walking through the endless chatter, knowing that you're a four hours car ride away, and that only in a month, would we be able to do Orchard again and get the butterfree pretzels. And it all seemed so unfair; why did I have to move, a four hours journey away when I already had allowed the vulnerability to seep in and be at a level of comfortableness with it?
But then it hits me hard, that I actually made it through. That I can feel my feet now, instead of feeling like I was floating on a thinly sheet of paper that would shatter at my feel if I made the slightest wrong angle move. That the wooden chair doesn't seem twice as cold as it did last year. That my throat doesn't feel like it had been somehow cut deeply in my sleep by the chill that the fan had sent out with it's razor sharp blade. I can feel the moisture amidst the dryness in my contacts and it doesn't hurt that bad to smile now. To look someone in the eye and actually smile a real smile now.
Uncle Yeng Phooi preached and in a verse he started with, " And it says in the Bible.." and for a second I guess I got caught off guard. Because it didn't seem to make sense, listening to the Bible, when I had heard someone say before "Why should I listen to you?" on the TV. Something like, if it's hard enough to defy the words of a person, won't it be that much easier to ignore what is written in an object? It was actually quite scary, having felt that way, in church. It felt hypocritical, like all these while what happened if I had been attributing everything to something that I didn't firmly believe it. Disappointed because, hesitation is not associated with perfection. And if everyone else could be so sure, how come I couldn't be too? Then I stopped, breathed in and just, stopped thinking. Stopped thinking about what if?'s and why this?'s. Stopped and remembered about how you're supposed to hope for what you do not have. And I guess in that orange clothed chair, I just did what I could do the most at that time. That time when everything seemed uncertain and how everything seemed insecure. I hoped, that I would have faith. That despite the uneasiness and questions I had, faith would be stronger and allow the better side of things to be seen. The side that I saw so many, believe in and how surely, it could not be fake, if it worked so abundantly and genuinely for them.
I'm not going to say I feel absolutely better after. In fact I'm still a little uncertain about alot of things right now; what more this year. And ironically, I don't have that much time to do anything about it. But what I do know, am certain about and have faith in, is that as tough as this year might have been during certain bouts, it would have been unbearable without the endless support from so many people. The most unlikely beautiful people, that have allowed hope to take place, held on strongly to You, and probably encouraged me to do the same, despite everything.
For bearing and being by my side through it all. For not giving up when it seemed the easiest too. For money spent, tears shed, hugs given, smiles and laughter shared. For all the patience, and love. For accepting and helping to rediscover, Sarah.
For all the support and understanding. For all the encouragement and hugs during the times they couldn't give. For just being there, ultimately for them.
For all the drives up and the time sacrificed, because you knew Mummy needed someone. For not judging and understanding, in a way not everyone could. For the phonecalls, and prayers, for the hugs and the promises- that you wouldn't let anything bad, sanely bad happen. For all the journeys made down and tears you watched and understood.
To the team-for doing what you all just do. Seeing the emotional severity behind the physical. Mending and helping rekindle Sarah and seeing through the scratched glass. Understanding how thin is just an understatement. For the sternness under the bright fluorescent lights, that have allowed that amount of freedom today. You guys are, amazing.
And then there are all the beautiful fishes. And how so although different in every aspect they might have been, how similarly they have played a huge part in my being here, typing this today. How subtlety, how the smallest things done, softest words uttered and most genuine smiles, smiled, have managed to increase the gravity under my feet.
It was weird at first, stepping into something so unfamiliar yet completely distant. Stepping into a place where I had knew most people since I was so much younger, yet had completely lost touch in one whole year. How I didn't really know what to say at all, how to act, more so what to think. Because to anyone I guess, leaving so suddenly comes when that momentary moments of awkwardness.
"Are you, okay? Are you, sure?"
Seeing how you have grown up so much when we were messaging each other about what to pack and whether it would be weird, wearing certain things to our first YF camp.
You just laughing all the time.
Fish and co.
All the small pocket sized cards.
Sms-es.
The Dome pie and figuring out how to attack it.
Gasing, Kiara.
Dangerous driving, crows, illegal parking, fainting spells, flipping phones.
Knowing somehow, you know, Although youdidn'thearitfromme.
Coffee, Calvin and Hobbes, Bambi.
"-they actually really look out for you, okay."

Random messages, late night conversations, dolphins.
Blog comments left.
Unexpected hugs.
Tapping my shoulder in the dark, "Are you okay? You sure?", "I love you Slee, Happy New Year.", "I'm going to miss you too." Awesomeness.
Reading 2006 notes.
Seven words uttered on the seven second journey back to the car.
There are a thousand others but they keep popping into my head at the same time that I can't dance my fingers on the keyboard fast enough. But, thank you all. I could mention every single person but then it wouldn't be 2008 anymore. Kinda of scary, thinking about how different everyone is, yet completely unique in every single way. Like, imagine how much undiscovered beauty is out there that I still haven't seen. How many species of fishes I haven't heard about yet.
It's already New Years, amazing huh? It's pressuring thinking that like a clean sheet of paper, I'm aiming to not mess it up, drip a drop of smudged ink, on this paper, this year. Didn't really help that somehow, I felt quite distant yet again sitting on the orange clothed chair last night. Because in just that ten minutes, so many thing had already happened and left me feeling more worried about this year.
You and your smstellingmewhattodo, again.
Size 0.
Undecided school.
Your mouth and glares.
Just being, feeling, lost, not good enough, tarnished, ugly, revoltingly fa*.
Then you know how you tear, and it just keeps coming out? Like your throat is flaming hot, yet it's so comforting at the same time? How everything around is just a blur, and nothing else matters at that moment except the burning, hot sensation you get.
It felt kind of like, a bird telling it's babies not to fly. Like a fireman telling people to light matches and throw them all around. Like a saint doing drugs. Hypocritical, bland, and pointless.
So I prayed, again. Uttered words to myself hoping that somehow, that whole confusing state of mind would vanish, just like the second the clock would strike 12 and bring in the New Year. I'm not going to lie and say I felt amazing, strong and sure. Because I don't really think I did. But I guess that short message, four worded message from Mummy, "I love you, Sarah." gave me a pinch of faith, a sense of hope and visual proof, that as I managed to get through the year, despite all the downs, I probably, would manage this one too. I just hope it builds more muscle, physically, spiritually and emotionally compared to last year.
I'm scared, I really am. You have no idea.
But, I can't turn back time, can't pause it at 11:59:59 pm, 2007. So I guess I just hoped for the best, when it was 12:00:01 am, 2008. Do wish me luck and pray for me. Because I think, I'll really appreciate that (:
So everyone out there, Have a blessed 2008.
Happy new year, all.
Je T'aime.

Love, SarahLee.