*Swears, silently* consecutively.

Know how sometimes you forget your dreams the moment you wake up, only to remember at the most random time of the day?
Know how sometimes you crack your brain, trying to remember what you dreamt off, only to remember at the least expected, most inconvenient time?
I had a dream last night, and usually after dreaming I like to analyse it, imagine how it would be if it took place in reality and if it's sweet, I like going through each moment and being uncautiously present in the soft fuzzy edges each picture, each scene, movement, presence has.
I went to tuition in the morning and while attempting to balance an equation, it hit me what I dreamt off last night;
I dreamt I weighed myself and the scale showed I was obese.
I dreamt that I had spend the rest of the dream crying my eyes out after.
No kidding, that when I woke up in the morning, I somehow had a small patch of my eye that was red.
No kidding, huh?
PPFFFFTTTT (exaggerates)
Daddy, maybe sleeping late will help shorten the time of bad dreams? :p
But seriously, PPPFFFT ): I'm not happy.
*toooot* 's over and over again.
):

Gravity, pulls Aqua down.

Gravity, is the gravitational force the earth has on any object on the earths surface.
Being a complete cuckoo, I just realised how cool it is having an invisible force pulling you down and when you're upside down, your hair goes UPPPP. If you understand me.
Poor boys with short hair. You can't experience the pulling movement of hair when you lie upsidedown ):
And, the force is even more when your hair is wet.
Caution though; Slight headaches and red faces might be experienced after lying on your bed upside down, waiting for your hair to dry.

Oh well, I had fun (:
Uhh, except when the headache came.

.
And to those of you who I have pestered for a dolphin; I finally got one (:
Justin James Ng has got me a dolphin! It's either to shut up my persistant pesters- "I want a dolphin okay? (:" or he's just sweet.
I think it's a mixture of both, but there's a high possibility that the first one played a big part, dang.
Anywho, I have named her, Aqua.
She is now sitting beside my bed in a glass jar waiting to expand and become, aquaous.
Yeah, no kidding. She's meant to do that (:Wish her luck (:
'Taa loves.

That's, today.

I have a blocked nose, wait an itchy one.
I have exams this Tuesday and I am not ready, at all.
Anita and Evelyn, I had a sandwich- at home (:
And my liquid paper got confiscated in school today.
I miss you JoelLee ):
I'm thirsty- tea really does dehydrate you.
I want my mitochondria to work superbly at a high rate.
I'm scared because you seem so familiar. And I want to blindfold myself.
And that's about the jist of it for now, I'm just trying to regularize this whole blog thing man.
Urgh, I'm like a rollercoaster that lurches your stomach when you stop in mid air and suddenly drop down.
But so far today, -I've survived.
Toodle-LOO.
Edited;
My mummy found a dead fish in my pond. She tried to remove it and I screamed.
Ironic enough, just before I came downstairs and stated the fact that, "I smell dead fish San ):" -and that statement had no relation whatsoever to the dead fish in the pond.
Sloo's picture showed her and an Iced Milo cup.
And I love random convos. Don't you?
Sarah. says:
Heh, I see ice MILOOOOO.
sloo_ a social ghost says:
=]
Sarah. says:
Hehe
Sarah. says:
Lovelove, Love (:
sloo_ a social ghost says:
Yahh I miss my Milo ais
sloo_ a social ghost says:
=]
Sarah. says:
Have a great day in school tmr.
Sarah. says:
I miss my Sloo (:
'Taa loves.

Ladadidadadida.

I was consuming a ohmygawsh -Calorie giving banana today.
A few weeks back, I was doing a Chemistry experiment where the reactivity of potassium was tested. When put into water the potassium kind of, explodes.
You know how bananas contain potassium right? How come eating bananas doesn't cause us to explode then?
Okay, I have a weird feeling that might be a stupid question to ask, but yeah -howwww?
.
YiLin : You know what, I realised saying 'Hello' isn't very nice ): Because you're undirectly telling the person, Hell-O.
Sarah : Ehh, that's kind of true I guess. So what should it be umm, Heaven-O?
YiLin : Yeaaah! Heaven-O!
Sarah and YiLin (start to annoy TeckYan) : Hey TeckYan, Heaven-O, Heaven-O, Heaven-O :D
TeckYan (the 191 cm dude) : -____-" Shut up, shorts.
So unofficially, Hell-O was changed to Heaven-O for the day.
Then;
Sarah : You know that Heaven-O sounds better than Hell-O? (:
Ian : Oh, MyGawsh -___-
Sarah : Yeah, I know it's lame but it makes sense okaaaay.
Diverting off to another subject, he asked me a question and I replied in a sarcastic manner.
Ian : Huh, are you serious?
Sarah : Yeah I am. Wait, I mean noooo, I'm lying.
Ian : Huhh, why did you lie? Ever heard of liars go to hell?
Sarah : Haha, not true to a certain extent okayy.
Ian : Heaven-OOOO :D
Oh, MyGawsh.
.
Liling : If you don't come, I'm going to kill you in your sleep.
Sarah : Aww, okay. I don't think I would want to die alive if I could choose.
Liling : Uhh, then how are you supposed to die, dead?
Sarah : (pauses) Ohhh ):
.
Being completely left behind when it comes to movies, I just watched 'JustMyLuck' last night.
And *poof* I think Chris Pine is pretty steamy.HAHA, I downloaded a picture of him and didn't like it.
I pressed the 'delete' key and what came out, was;
"Are you sure you want to send Chris Pine to the recycle bin?"
Yeap, bet he'll help alot in the global warming part (:
.
Sixteen, in nine days.
(:
'Taa loves.

Hello? Eugene? Are you still, there? :/
Anywho, I apologize again, for the lack of recent updates. I have come to the conclusion that it's either my brain has lost it's sense of randomity, or I am just not being able to use my time wisely. I think it's more of the second though.
Because in the pool, I decided to think of something educational to not feel as guilty, and I started memorizing (orattemptedtoo) the cell parts and it's functions for Bio. And in less than two minutes, I started thinking about how consuming too much instant noodles was said to make your hair wavy (: And eventually leave you bald.
.
It's either I have no interest whatsoever or I just am never going to get the whole technology scene. Daddy got me a new MP3 and just like my old Zen on, I actually managed to hand it, and autolock it's keypad, without knowing how to unlock it -having to restart it three times consecutively. Soon though, I'll learn how to use it soon.
"You're so 'noob'."
"Hey, isn't that supposed to be a not so good thing :/"
"Umm, no I guess that just mean's your not so pro in a certain area."
"Ohh, okay (: That wasn't as bad as I thought then I guess."
"That's good then, NOOOOB :p"
Oh, MyGawsh.
Yeap that's how I found out what noob really means, though i doubt it'd be very highly recommended in Eugene's vocabulary, seeing as I don't think it's a really word. then again, I could be wrong.
.
I also saw three boys in the pool and at first, I thought they were just innocent seven year olds, and then they had to go open their mouths. Now I have found out why they say little girls, mature faster than boys.
I passed them floating on their styrofoam floats and all of a sudden, I heard them scream,
"Women! Women! HAHAHA."
"She's swimming! She's swimming! HAHAHAHA."
"Shoot her! Shoot her! HAHAHA."
And this one takes the cake;
"She's wearing underwear! HAHAHAH." -_____________-"
Like that wasn't enough, one of them was a complete idiot, and floated near me and remained still -I think he was pretending to be a 'monster' cause after being lifeless for about three seconds, he suddenly splashed around making weird noises.
I decided to not care, give them the benefit of the doubt that they were just little kids, but I guess the capacity of human tolerance only goes that far. So in reply to their nonsensical statements,
1 Yes, I am a women. If you're lucky, you might even come as close as having one as your girlfriend! But then again, she might sense, your 'noob'-ness and find someone more intellectual -or maybe someone who isn't so unfamiliar about the existence of women.
2 Yes, I am swimming too. I mean, either that or I could just be wasting my time suspending myself in a huge amount of water and making funny movements with my hands, back and forth. Since, that's what normal people do right seeing that's what you three boobs are doing.
3 I'll shoot you if you don't shut your mouths. Better still I'll kick you like how I've kicked a million other people by accident while swimming before. and I'm sure yours will only be an 'accident'.
And last but definitely not least;
4 This is not underwear honey. Underwear is what your mummy has to put on again for you because you put it on backwards, or over your head. Know the one with little dinosaurs running around all over it? This, is a something your future girlfriend (if you ever get one) will probably wear too, how amusing for you I should think. But don't worry you look so sexy in your (what YiLin calls them) Muslim suits by the way. Just like a grandfather wearing a spandex shirt and skinny jeans.
.
You know how they say you're not advised to use a blade to cut on a table for the risk of damaging it? I was guilty of doing that on a very already scratched table. I italicised already scratched in attempt to redeem myself but then;
Lareina walks by and goes, "Not on the table! Use something under it or you'll scratch it!"
Keith : It's already so scratched I don't think anyone would realise the difference.
Sarah -nods in agreement.
Lareina : Ahh, okay so I guess if someone is in pain that means it's okay to just continue poking the person, huh? (:
*Me and Keith go momentarily silent*
Sarah : You know, that's actually a very good point (:
.
I was complaining bout Anderson bout my sleep deprivation. Remember how I did, this?

till 5.30 in the morning, Saturday? I came back, by the time I had showered and stuff, slept at 2;30 am Sunday. My eyebags were starting to show.
Sarah : I'm cranky. I'm tired. I'm so sleep deprived! I think that's why I'm not growing, I'm going to be stunted and grow sideways instead of up.
Anderson : Why didn't you sleep earlier you didn't get back that late did you?
Sarah : I washed my hair so I had to wait for it to dry. Was taking so long somemore, okay ):
Anderson : Couldn't you have used a hairdryer?
Sarah : Yeah, but I didn't want to dry my hair.
(pauses)
I just realised how stupid that sounds.
Anderson : Yeah (: Sleep deprived, you're very sleep deprived.
.
This is what makes Physics tuition bearable.
Keiron : Sarah, on your Bluetooth I want to send you something.
Sarah : Huh, Umm okay hold on.
I on it and guess what I received.

-_____- Keiron, Keiron (:
.
And that's bout it.
I'm not exactly sure when's the next time I'll be blogging seeing as I am so out of place when it comes to consistency. Mid Terms are the day after my birthday, how convenient and I am very behind.
Kind of like how Daddy still listens to 'Abba' during his moments -behind (:
Do pray, though. I've gotta go really learn about cells now.
'Taa lovelies, thanks for reading if you've managed to come till the end.

Sundae- Yeah right.

I don't know who reads this, I don't know what is said, what is thought or what is portrayed after the what seems like jumbled words on the keyboard, get published, so Blogger says.
There's this nudging feeling to not let my fingers dance word by word on the keyboard, it'll all turn out senseless, attention seeking, fake anyway. Because I think people's views are so different. So undeniably, uncontrollable and judgemental without being noticed. It just comes naturally I guess.
But then when I reconsider over and over again, I realise that Blogger has not come up with a limit yet on what to type, things or subjects not to discuss. It doesn't tell you how to portray yourself or the exact way you should. And for once, I'm agreeing with that statement. Not because I'm boosted and confident now, but because what I've heard consecutively from people who care, matter right now.
It's in short car conversations;
"I think, it's the holding back in your writing that makes it readable Sarah. It's the ability to understand, and at the same time not get fully what you're writing that makes it readable. It's vulnerable and touches on real issues at the same time so people can relate. And I think God will use it, someway oneday. I think He already has."
It's in small notes in the mailbox unexpectedly;
"You might have to encounter and go through difficult time in life, but you must continue telling. You're strong and you can fend it off. You know God will make ya a tough tough girl, and don't forget me too. I'll always be there for you whenever you need me."
It's in consecutive messages when the tears somehow have started rolling without warning;
"Hey, just thinking about you and hoping you are ok. Chin up sunshine (: See you Sat."
"Surely, our loving God sees and knows what you're going thru. He already has begun and is making all things Beautiful, in your life."
"..Big Hugs across the room. *HUGS*"
It's small bursts of encouragement from important people in life that make noting down a particular event important- a milestone, or a swingback. I'm not sure which one currently. Either way, this has had it's effect, so important it is either way.
Tears are coming out, drop by drop even now. But I'm not wearing my contacts, I'm wearing my glasses. So crying won't be as painful as it could have been if I was. And I guess that's one plus point. "Crying now, won't hurt as bad as if you were wearing contacts, Sarah."
One word, four syllables. Over and over repeated despite the poisonous sting it gives out.
My ferris wheel was turning out quite abstract, it wasn't straight but I didn't bother to erase it. There was a heart and the many swirls, like Daddys says I'm hard to understand. And swirls confuse people, don't they?
Same necklace, but in a different colour. I didn't really like the thought that someone else had it, because it was supposed to be mine and yours Sloo. Ironically, I had taken it out the night before because I had to shower at 1pm and woke up late the next morning, forgetting to put it on in a rush. I felt slightly disorientated, thinking I forgot to wear you Sloo, fingered my neck, then my collarbone and looked at hers again. I was disappointed with myself already. Slightly, at her somehow. Soya, Light, SugarFree played in my mind.
Then the word, with four syllables was uttered. The four syllable word which sounded so much like the four lettered word. Felt like it too, secure, satisfying yet -scary. It's like Malaysians saying the word 'la' I guess. It was repeated consecutively in the next few minutes, perfectly normal in a normal persons point of view, but throat wrenching to me. Perfectly unnoticeable, but jaw dropping, eyecatching- blinding, to me.
The welling increased, the lip biting got harder and I let more hair drop in front of my face each time it was uttered. The increasing number of times it was said, the stronger the buildup of wanting to block it out. From the corner of my eye I caught tiny glimpses of stares and bent my head even further down, don't realise please, it's nothing. 'Nothing'.
It was a scene which I didn't want at that moment to be taking place, not just yet it was too unexpected. My tear duct probably could only take a certain limit of salt water, dang it and on my black tank top a drop of water fell.
I could see it in slow motion and if I had better reflex at the moment I would have caught it and threw it on the ground but it seeped through anyway. Seeped through the black tank top which just a few hours when I had waken up in the morning put on and only seen halfway in the mirror. I didn't want to look at the full other half, half was enough, too much to handle as it was. Because the day before I remembered comparing with you already, arms, height while a s'more was being made by you.
I continued staring down and then walked out after a silent tap on the glass. And invisible had never seemed more welcoming at that second.
I remember admiring you just the morning before, your hand on by back then, yellow blur lights, a cubicle and a huge wave of images, pictures -memories played over and over again. I didn't count the tears after but I know that they were heavy one, Because gravity seemed strong then, stronger that the terrifying strength it usually has on me already -like that wasn't enough. The jewels on my shoe were so multifaceted and the tears that blocked my cornea made them look like blobs of shiny dust, unimportant.
"I'm fine, I'm fine." I'm 'fine'.
The mirror was twice the size it usually depicts, like that wasn't big enough already. So once again, I only looked up for the most, five seconds. Five seconds maximum because I knew that looking into it and trying to recompose myself would definitely not work right then.
It wasn't a trigger, more of a build up of everything, the week, the morning. All, stirred up by one word, one four syllable word.
Maybe it's because I feel when said, it had to be seen a certain way. It has to be seen as having a certain figure, being a certain size, downsized, to the extreme. Otherwise in the world point of view, you're just a phony, fake, wanna-rexic.
When the fact of the matter is it doesn't just end when the numbers go up, it doesn't stop when the BMI scale tells you you've reached a certain target, it's much more physically, psychologically, emotionally.
It's battling day by day, second by second, not taking a comment out of context too much as tempting as it may seem. It's the process of battling with something that you want and hate at the same time so badly, nearly every second as subtle as it comes. It just doesn't stop, at a certain weight target, okay?
The hard part is accepting that they can never, be two peas in the pod as similar as they sometimes try to be. Anna and Belle are so common, they battle the same thing, desire the same look, size, acceptance but they both can't be winners unfortunately. They go hand in hand, yet in every situation, one has to be able to give into the other. One of them has to be willing to hurt someone, or get hurt and take it, in order for the other to achieve her target goal. They can't both win at the same time, it just doesn't -can't work that way.
"... I guess we have to try to tackle the acceptance issue in this aspect. The accepting yourself and self-esteem part for this station."
Somehow, I get queasy hearing those words, because I don't think I've fully come to terms with them yet and like a magnetic force, they always seem to draw up the 'A' word. The tempting -detested yet beautiful word.
It's definately not your fault, I don't blame you at all. It's perfectly normal.I guess it's just this tugging urge of wanting both at the same time. Wanting to be a certain size, and yet be where I am today. It's a loselose situation, honestly. But it's very professional in the way it goes about. It tempts and lets down consecutively. Almost immediately. The matter of the fact is that both sides really can't win.
The crucial step that hasn't been made, the hard part is that I'm still not 100% sure who is stronger at this moment, who wants to be stronger.
It's the tugging desire to have both- and yet I know that is impossible.
Bluntly, impossible -unachievable.

Saturday.

Silence can sometimes mean so much. It can depict the understanding, the knowing that the same thoughts are occurring in two people or mores minds, it somehow has the ability to bond. I
don't like driving at night, I mean I don't like the thought of someone driving alone at night too. Because apparently, my imagination runs wild, I start to take things out of context. I get, "Don't be silly, you're just worrying too much Sarah." I think, it's slight paranoia.
The last sentence I say when I leave the car means alot and tears me to shreds when an argument has the last say. But then I guess prayer works that way, in my head though- not as good as I would have wanted it to be.
Last night wasn't alone night though, for both sides because I was sitting at the back seat with my head in my bag literally, due to exhaustion. The 5:30am sleeping had then started to kick in after I thought I would be okay, I could last the whole day huh? Mummy sat in the front and she was trying to navigate her way around using the GPS, stupid satellites can't be trusted at the times when they're most needed. I guess that's just how Murphy works -ironically.
I don't think I was 'affected' but I felt something, I felt a tinge of wariness slip over my chest just like I had slipped onto my denim skirt, from my denim shorts because the term 'appropriate' was taken seriously in this scenario.
"So fragile Mummy, it's just like, I dunno so scary." She explained about the water vapour on the leaf, how our lives are somewhat related to that. I took it in but thought to myself, "I think, we have the ability to evaporate faster Mummy. So no, we aren't thaaaat similar to water vapour."
In the silence after, the darkness other than the street lights which caused eerie shadows in the backseat, and with my head in my brown leather sports bag, I knew I felt tired, weak, fragile. And somehow it got linked to the situation, that I liked because no voices were being raised, no issues were being stated, it was just a quite conversation that somehow to me seemed to bond.
The wary slipping over my chest was replaced with slight worry. Because tired, weak and fragile were at that moment, linked with something so beautiful- a bond.You said it was deceitful, clever in it's games, like an abusive boyfriend. But when I think about it, those words are so, ironic. So baffling because it portrays itself in a way that blinds and cuts out all flaws, hides its ugly perfectly well. And it seems like all that's left is just this thin shiny piece of 'perfection' so it calls itself that, that noone is able to resist it seems.
I was too tired to route out the game plan I had been thought to use right then. But the knowledge that tired, weak, fragile were linked like molecular bonds to the word, beautiful, and bond was uneasy. But I was tired, 5:30am?
My head was still in my brown bag and my eyes were closed. The only difference at that exact point was that I shut them tighter, and couldn't think at all- brain dead in simple terms.
Not as much control as before, I know. It's a disgusting and soothing feeling at the same time. Like pulling you by the limbs on two sides with a bladed rope. You just don't know which arm to scrape more, but either way you know somehow you'll still hurt both ways.So mind boggling, it's so confusing.
Not there. Or not there, yet.
Haven't made my choice yet, maybe.

On the much lighter note, I really find fingers highly fascinating.
If you think about it, they're the only part of your body that can bend in so many directions.
You can't hold a pencil with you ears can you? You can't doodle with your nose and write nonsensical things to yourself with your bellybutton.From today onwards, I'm starting a miniself campaign- to appreciate fingers for the things they're capable of doing. Goooo, fingers!
I really am very, fascinated no kidding- ask me? (:
Number 1 turned out plain disturbing.
Sloo- I attempted to do a 'Sloo' in number 2.
PauLing- I did a 'hiphop' in number 3, a 'seafood' in Number 4.
Number 5 was when I wanted to do shadow puppets? And realised that it was broad daylight. So I pecked myself on the cheek instead. I call it AttentionDefeciencyDisease.
Rachel- Number 6 turned out a little in tribute to your 'narcissistic'.
You know who you are, at least I think I hope you do.
Wait, maybe not- I just reminded myself.
.
Dansen, I'm praying for you.
2 Corinthians 12: 9
But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."Take care, stay strong.
Pancakessss, that was waaaay back ago by the way (:
.
It's scary how life can be so fragile. But I liked what you so subtly said to me;
"As big as somethings may seem, you just have to learn to say and pray and mean, 'I know, You are bigger.' "
'Taa Loves.

Of Major Moodswings, MAJOR.

"I'm not doing it, Sarah. I don't want too."- Plain, blunt, refusal just like that.
It's been a long time since I've heard it come out so directly. Been a while since I've been turned down , not given my way, said no too in that context and I won't lie. It hurt, to the point where a papercut can be considered as, sitting on a feathery soft pillow.
Wait, I'm jumping a little too far. Because before the hurt, came anger. Anger because I knew that getting my way right now, wasn't as easy as it had been two years back. Getting my way now, meant needing to put more effort to overcome the gravitational forces that were stronger now, compared to when my body mass was, less.
Then after that, it got into a great big jumble. Jumble because the anger wasn't strewn all over the place, as much as it would have wanted to be. The anger was held back. tightly wrapped in a package that was silently screaming, 'Please handle with care, Fragile.' The package wasn't unwrapped as much as it wished it was, because it knew that that would mean exposure, meekness and not being compatible to the standards she wished she had.
Hurt, Anger. Somehow, as different as the meaning of those two words are, put together they seem exactly the same if not very similar. Having just typed that, that's what you've been trying to tell me all along isn't it? You've been trying to tell me that inside lies two personalities and how when put together, the merge hiding the reality of their differences and attempting to fake one into believing they're just one complete persona.
Many coins were scattered on the floor, yet not one tear drop fell out.
My throat did well up though, it welled up and felt normal again after a few seconds, very much like a frogs. I didn't care though, because somehow at that point I didn't know how to react. Somehow everything that seemed so familiar just vanished and all that was left was footsteps and me picking up the coins, one by one.
I wanted it to wear off, I wanted to take back every wrong move made, every wrong word said and every action that didn't symbolise perfection, I wanted smiles to be plastered on the whitewash walls and everything to be the way it should be- perfect.
At the same time, I wanted to scream I wanted to splash black all over the same whitewash walls, because black is is a symbol of strength right? Black symbolises a firm and steady position, one that knows where it belongs and had control over the situation. Just like the size 0's in their pin stripped pencil skirts. Like, that.
I didn't though, like I said at that point all I heard was silence, bewildering really.
Maybe that's why I'm scared to let go completely, because when I don't feel anything it seems like you start to care less. It seems like the decisions I need to make, have to be made on my own. The decisions I don't want to be associated with, always creep up and there are times when the black walls don't get painted as black as the would like too. Or they don't become carbon black, they just turn a tinge of grey. And I don't like tinges, I want complete wholeness, perfection- all or nothing. That's it, when I start to let go, you will start to care less, screw.
It hurts when you don't 'need' to be there. Hurts when sometimes I get a 'You should be okay, right?' Instead of a firm and distinct, 'No I don't think you're ready yet.'
It hurts to see how manequin-ish like you all are. Hurts to know that if ever a strand of hair goes out of place, the whole world needn't need realise it, because people will just come and fix it for you, hiding all the flaws that -don't even exist.
It hurts to know it's dying out. Although it was, fun while it lasted, Beautiful, awesome in fact.
It hurts to know and be so familiar with everything you do, every step you want to take, straight, curls, heels, perfect vision. So familiar because I know exactly what you mean, yet hate the fact that you are starting to feel it now. When I'm not ready to step down the imaginary platform I wish existed.
It hurts when you give me one word answers, give me distant stares and make me feel worse than I already do. I'm sorry, I wish you didn't feel that way at all.
It hurts to know that nothing is the same, as much as I want it to be. Hurts when pictures, conversations and comments are so distant right now.
And it seemed like just yesterday that Borders was -just around the corner.
It seemed like just yesterday when eating a BigApple doughnut wasn't as sinful as it seems.
It hurts to know that I know what it means to hurt, and be angry. And how if you logically compare the two words, the link up but mean completely different things. In a perfect world they would never go hand in hand. You can't have the best of both worlds, it's just not possible.
"I see a common theme in these situations. It's that women are using their appetites as a voice. And they're using this voice to express different things, depending on their historical situation."
Apparently the skin at the bottom of your feet will be rougher compared to more sensitive parts of your body like your fingertips. It's the skin that protects your feet from too much pressure when you walk on the solid ground.
I love walking. My feet do hurt, but sometimes I think that just means I'm protected. I like it that way, the walking.
I can't stand seeing someone being jeered, mocked, laughed at. I can't because imagining being in that persons shoes is painful enough for a bellybutton ring to be nothing. Flawless people intimidate, and at the same time I hate the fact that seemingly flawless people get intimidated too, it's apparently 'natural'.
I don't know what point I'm trying to prove, my brain really just went blank, and the irony of it all was that a few hours ago, it was so saturated with thoughts I didn't know if grey matter would start oozing out straight away. OhMyGawsh, I think I just got a major moodswing.
Everything's up there though. I know sooner or later it'll hit me again, but it's all been stated in between the lines.

"Hello?" -Put-ted down.

Feminist. Feminists are, 'good' right now.
Very close, Sarah.

Very close is what you tell yourself everytime you start to feel that way. It's something you tell yourself you will not allow to happen.
Beauty hurts the eye, but stabs the heart like a little kid who is angry at the TV control even harder.
Perfect, immaculate doesn't exist ever.
Words that sound as sweet as drowning numbers have a chance of being absurdly hypocritical.
And I just can't live up to your level of perfection, dang it. I'm sorry I don't have a manicurist, hair salonist oh and this one takes the cake- Personal tailor to cover up all the horrendous bits I hate, unlike you.
Don't give me shit about being slightly 'big' we know how attracted humans are to poster girls. We know how easy it is to be taken aback by Gisele and America Ferrera. Which one is easier to be swooned by.
I don't blame you, I just am taking precaution on my side because I don't think I can handle it. I don't think I want to take that chance to find out.
It's not worthit and you could see it in just that split second, hurt confused and baffled. Let down by your ownself.
It didn't take very long at all, it was probably a few milliseconds? And the feeling of crippled, notorious disgust overwhelms.
But then you remind yourself, that you didn't allow it to happen yet.
And you won't allow it too.
You loser, you player, so unworthit- remember Sarah.
"You don't let people in, because you can't take being hurt."
It's just your serotonin level that doesn't allow it.
Bahhhh, I'm cranky so screw.
I hate perfection, how it doesn't exist here.

Okay I gotta go NOW.

"OOOOH, Cassie let's take a picture!"
I Love You Cassie (:

To the more organised event;
Leo- Blind leading the blind.
I received 3 messages at 6:30 on a Sunday morning, telling me to wake up and not be late.
Surprisingly, I had already waken up fifteen minutes ago and could text a "Yeah, I remembered" back.
I got my huge brown bag, stuffed everything inside and headed to school, on a Sunday for some Leo walk leading the blind. -WeeHan, this gets me a zillion points on your list.
It was a charity walk raising awareness for the blind and it was fun (: I saw a girl blind at only the age of about ten and I guess it just got me to thinking how sometimes we don't appreciate our sense of sight. She couldn't walk without the aid of her parents helping her so it was heart melting.
Nonetheless, the walk was good- and hopefully if you passed the road and saw a huge crowd of people walking and a bunch of teenagers at the back, you would have taken note of the banners we were carrying (a little uncoordinated) and stopped to think of the blind for a second.
I guess it really isn't easy not having your sense of sight to help maneuvere you around because you have no estimate, sense and make your way around things you can't see, things you don't know are really there.
JJ and me were blindfolded for three hours in Youth last Saturday and even getting from one building to another which was merely less than two minutes away wasn't easy. So yeah, do appreciate your peepers people. Blindfold yourselves for a few hours, don't cheat and you'll really appreciate being able to see things after. And to those who poked, me when I was blindfolded- HAH, you wait and see -___-
PICTURES! -Inspiration, send the rest to me. Your eight megapixel camera beats mine :/
I-Panemas coordinating with Tan Yi Lin, my inspiration.
Sloo, I missed you. I miss you everytime I put them on.Mrs. David Roland Cook.
"OhMyGawsh, but Mrs makes it sound so old."
You are so funny you crack me up, oh and make me partially deaf too -inside thing *smirks* (:Take one with Jerrard, failed because he was slightly cut off.Take two- was okay because we managed to get all three of us in!And this is what happens when Jerrard gets a camera in his hands.
He makes the maximum use of his dimples (:And then, MY turn!
-Ehh, the shots kind of turned out the same for all three.SpongeBob came along.
Sidetracking- I think SpongeBob is very much the not so evil version of the Telletubbies type of cartoon. But anywho, he was kind of the mascot for the day. Peeka-

Boo.Stephanie (:OHHHH, there was a lucky draw during the event and surprisingly, my number got called out halfway. I wasn't really paying that close attention when it was called out and after a few seconds I let out a "Oh, I think that's my number!" I fumbled in my bag thinking a lost it and eventually I found it.
"Okay, it is the number (: (...) Now what?"
The group of them shouted a "You're supposed to go get the prize Sarah, GOOOO!"
"I am? -Ohhhh!" and because I didn't want to get it by myself, I asked JunHsien to pass the speakerman my ticket card.
IRONICALLY, by the time I got there, he said it was too late.
So my prize went to someone else and my chances of having my ticket number being called for the very first time, ever went down the drain. Awesome, huh?
Nicholas, on the other hand won a shaver. And he was very proud of it.
"Wait, my shaver has to be in the picture!"
Err, okay have fun using it (:

"Hey Jit Sun! You know what the 'S' on your shirt stands for?"
"What?"
"Sarah :p"
"Uhh, noooo it stands for sexy."
-____-Know why SuperMans shirt is so tight?
-Because he wears an 'S' size.
HAHAHAHA -curtesy of Jerrard.
Want to know another Superman joke? Ask me because it requires actions (: -it's very lame though but if you like the gummie bear one, you'll love this one too.

The posse.And that's bout it.
I just realised I'm not even an installed Leo yet uhuh.
.
I'm glad you finally realised.
It's scary, a little hypocritical if you ask me but I just hope it gets better ILY.
I'm so behind in my work it's scary, do pray though please.
'Taa.

-SnoopDog, is a 'HOT' dog.

I got nostalgic looking through the billion pictures and;
I miss my Aussie's so much.
I want you all to come back, please? :/


.

Sloo Love, tell me this is so NOT cool. I just realised.
I uber miss you, really.
We should get matching umbrellas next time yeah?

.
I removed a splinter from my leg yesterday.
Yeah, Daddy says I might be a future doctor.
Ironically, I falied my Biology and Chemistry test today.
PPFT, yeah right. At least I'm splinter free for now (:.
And this is because I think rain is ohsolovely, especially when there are ripples.
I think, it's the H20 (:Toodleloo lovelies.
Going now, you scare me.

All in one morning;

-wow.
.
I missed you, at least I think I did.
But now I'm not so sure I wished I wanted to.
Because I don't know if what I have to do, what I am still going through, what isn't easy, will be understandable to you.
I missed you, but I don't know if this is bearable, tolerable, understandable; does that mean I'm not ready?
I know though, that I don't want to hear no. I don't want the bubble that is floating higher and having much more rainbow reflections on it's surface compared to when it first started drifting off, to end.
And that's hard because I missed you, I know.
.
I am so proud of you. I'm so proud because you have so much courage, so much determination, zest, to make that first step on your own.
I've been thinking about it a bit, and I know I never would have made the first step on my own.
I don't think at that point of time, I had enough will power, grey matter, determination to do so. Courage, trust, faith.
I had many pushes, pulls and boosts from people before I stepped out of the painful shoes, onto the sometimes unstable real land. There are wooden parkay moments when I want it to freeze, stop and just remain like that forever- or till the next moment comes along. But there are times when glass shatters into tiny pieces and the floor becomes so hard to tread on. Manuvering my way around becomes such an obstacle, I just think it would have been easier to now have made the first step. Better to have just remained there.
It wouldn't have been on my own, sometimes I don't think I even want to do it on my own now- I don't think I can.
But that's when it happens, and now, it's only drizzling, not pouring. so I'm just going to leave it that way.
If you read this, I just want you to know I'm so proud of you. I do look up to you although I hardly see you, because like I said- a blog sometimes tells enough to give that amount of understanding needed. Your faith bewilders me, baffles and challenges mine.
I'm so proud of you, so proud.
And I Love You, take care.
.
-Do read, but don't judge, please?
Read, because you care.
If not, changing links is fine with me, really.
And there was no sarchasm, bitter feelings, angst there at all.
It's fear, need. Need to do something, despite being terrified of what goes on in the grey matter on everyone else. Fear of your judgement :/
.
On a lighter note, I tripped on romeo on my way up the stairs.
Whoopdeedoo (:

Shhhh.

It's funny how emotions are so subtly strong in humans. It's funny how feeling something, takes a toll on you that is much stronger than what you expect it too.
It's funny how a blog brings you deep into feeling, although you hardly know the person. Never seen, never heard, never touch. It's a form of communication which so subtly affects the reader, unconsciously bringing one to deeper thoughts, deeper wonderings, and different insights on life altogether.
It's sudden news that if looked in the worlds perspective, 'shouldn't matter to me'. Why should it when I don't even know the person, know how it feels to be around him or how his personality was. I might have hated him, found him annoying. Yet at the same time, I could have loved him, felt comfortable and happy around him. That's- if I knew him.
I don't however, the only reason that blog captured my attention for a second causing me to link it, was because over the phone, I had heard. Over a few thousand miles, I had been receiving unexpected, subtle updates that caused me to wonder, every once in a while and throw questions such as, "Mummy how is JoelLee's friend doing?" when I got into the car back from school.
And one day, so unexpectedly, I got the response, -he's gone. I was taken aback I just stared out and didn't say anything for a while. It was like the silence was a way of my respect to someone I didn't know- the least I could do.
The car stopped at a traffic light and I shattered the minuscule span silence, with a two word rebut- "So sudden ):" So, sudden.
I guess that's just the way things are sometimes la. As hard as it is to grasp, hard as it is to imagine, hard as it is to sometimes accept, noone know what's going to happen, even in the next micro second. I'd like to think that everyone I needed, everyone I loved, would never ever disappear, but that's like believing I'd grow taller someday. The inevitable fact is that everything lasts, for just that span of time- unexpected and unpredictable time.
I don't know you like I've said, but I'd like you to know, I know. I won't say I'm sorry for you, because I know things work out for a reason, things don't happen unless they're supposed too. I'm going to say, be strong, not only to you but to all who actually know you Andrew. I am sorry they have to go through this, but like someone told me- "I wouldn't want someone to cry when I'm gone. They shouldn't when all my pain won't be there anymore, right?"
.
Nicole, I love you babe.
The ten, fifteen? Minute walk was enough to tell me I miss you oodles of noodles. (:
The timing yesterday was perfecto. Take care, I'll see you soon okay?
Wait, we have to so that's not a question (:
.
You cannot judge a person by looks at all. It's not acceptable.
But you sure can analyse them; and in human nature, I think that's impossible to not do.
And in an experiment, they say an analysis is a crucial, part in determining something.
So you tell me, how?
. You know how they say old-er people always tell us to be polite?
-Don't put your elbows on the table, don't chew with your mouth wide open, don't run into people's houses with your stilettos when they have a parkay wooden floor?
This old-er lady, walked past me and let out a belch. Not a burp, a belch.
I don't know how many decibels she managed to cross but it was loud and I was right beside her.
Listening to old-er people is sometimes, very ironic. A little hypocritical if you ask me (:
But then again, that's only sometimes, and in my perspective. (;
.
-I see the Sarah which is childlike, very easily entertained and appreciates, little things.
And this little thing here, made my day to some extent (:
"Hey Daddy, a together forever shot yeah yeah?"
Mummy grunts and goes, "Saaaarah -___-"
I then decided to leave 'em two alone (: I know, I cut steam, so well.

.
I have slightly, brown hair OhEmGee.
I call this shot, chlorine. .
This one, is 'Spot the only thing you see from the seat of a taxi drivers car.
Other than the back of his bald shiny head.' .
"I guess you just got to differentiate between Sarah, and Belle."
It's tough and I haven't made my choice yet.
But thank you both, I loooove, your rooms.
Really (:
'Taa loves.

Eugene, I shrieked when I read about how you were going to cancel my blog of your reading list. Heh, no I actually went, "Seeee Daddy, this is what happens when I don't get to go online thaaaat often :p"
And since I promised IAN, I'll blog about it and also to forbid the merajuking I shall do it; see I keep to my word (:
Ian : The gummy bear joke was lame okayyyy- Oh, My Gawsh.
Sarah : No it wasn't and you won't be able to come up with something funnier anyway.
Ian : Yes I can.
Sarah : Okay shoot what is it then? Huh, huh?
Ian : Why did the chicken cross the road?
Sarah : Uhh, to get to the other side?"
Ian : Noooo, because Sarah was on the other side of the road.
Sarah : Hey that's like a catch phrase, not a joke. -___- And wait, are you saying I attract, chickens? Oh, My Gawshhhh.
Ian : Gotch-yaaaa! (:
.
Tan Yi Lin; is not allowed to sit behind me (:
Fedoras, Warehouse, Prom dresses and Popcorn soon again yeah?
Okie dokie, I posted consistently two days in a row, yay.
I doubt it'll continue on after a while again though, we'll see.
'Taa awesome possums.
And JoelLee, if you read this, call me I miss you ):

AHHHH, Done (:

It's been ages since I've last written something here.
Okay maybe not ages but it sure feels like it. The last time Blogger malfunctioned and got on my nerves was, probably a week and a half ago. And apparently, because I was blogging 'nearly everyday' according to a certain someone in February, a week and a half is considered a lengthy period now.
My grey matter has been used up alot in that period or slightly over seven days, I can feel it. Sometimes I can even feel, nothing and that just goes to show how emotionally exhausting it is at times. Nearly half the pool has my brain contents in it, I swear it's probably the thing I talk to the most if I had to make a choice.
There are so many things to be said, I know my mouth will break down if I had to utter it all out. There are issues I know haven't been resolved yet. There are moments I still can't deal with and times when I feel like it's all been wasted and should have just gone down the drain because; I'm stuck here now, right?
Having achieved a certain state of mind knocks things into a stronger perspective. Two perspectives- which although look so appealing on both sides, contradict each other like fire and ice. As low as the fire maybe, or as close to melting as the ice block maybe, you know there's never a chance both particles will fit together. There's no chance both terms would come to an understanding, and be able to combine without one of the objects disappearing. it just isn't, possible.
And as much as smiling releases happy hormones, I think releasing too many happy hormones, will make you turn in to Britney Spears.
As much as I am tired of it, I don't think I have that much willpower left to make my stand, to make a final decision that will end it all. To choose which path I am going to take, which pros and cons will eventually be worthwhile as appealing as both sides, may seem at times.
If you're a constant reader you'll know Gisele intimidates me. And recently I found out Adrianna Lima is as intimidating, as superior, as flawless. But to PhyeBeng, thanks for the short conversation which kinda of boosted me. Okay, not much but it's nice to know someone actually takes in what I mean when I say they can wear rags, and still look fabulous. Don't get me wrong, I still think Gisele is gorgeous, and- intimidating yes, but it's nice to know that there are people who think there are parts of her which are photoshoped (:
PhyeBeng : Yeah, don't worry bout it. And guys don't usually look at the arms; that isn't the part you need to compare with at all.
*Pauses*
Uhh, I mean you know la :P
It's okay if you don't get it, the guys probably will though (:
Coming down a little closer to earth though, you look so good and you're tangible which makes it even harder. You look so mature and you haven't even reached your 'peak'. Before I know it, the glasses are going to be gone, the hair is going to be smoother than it already is, the flawless image will seem even more- flawless. Oh greaaaat. Don't get me wrong, this isn't even considered a bittersweet feeling.
But I guess at times like these, Melbourne seems even more appealing than it is without all it's natural sugar coating- beach, city lights, scenery, weather, Aussies. It's times like these when I can't wait to go, because currently, I know I won't be able to bear it if it took place right now.
And you, no matter how 'big' your legs might have seemed, that's just not possible. Because I think sculptures don't get messed up like that. Barbies aren't made a little off. Oh, but to bring me up a tiny notch, apparently if they were real women, their backs would break and their necks won't be able to support their heads. HAH (:
I just found out because his car went pass and my Daddy was next to me. I was stunned a second and my throat welled up but I didn't choke. That somehow made everything seem so nonsensical for a second. It made everything seem like it wasn't worth worrying about, wasn't worth anybodys time. Because I see you and you look perfectly fine, if his car hadn't had passed ours, i wouldn't have known. Daddy wouldn't have told me, my Daddy wouldn't have told me.
I'm praying for you, I know you're strong and as tough as you may appear, it will be a struggle inside. But I'm thinking off you, everytime I see a Daddy and a little girl, I'm thinking off you and hoping you'll stay strong and know you're special and loved.
On the lighter side of things, I finally got to try my black pin stripped fedora in TopShop, TopMen to be exact with YiLin (: Unfortunately, I think guys have bigger heads than we do, and it fell below my eyes a few seconds after I had put it on. We walked away with what Rachel calls my 'sad eyes' with empty hands. but I am happy, I tried on a fedora (: (: (: And I knoooow, there's going to be one I can call mine, sitting on my blown up sized head, one day. Yeah you wait and see- a black pin stripped one.
We tried on potential prom dresses in Warehouse for no apparently reason. Oh, I mean 'Just for kicks (:' and I have decided that if I do go for prom, I want to have this (points below) as my prom dress. Yeah, with curly long hair and peep-toe heels. Sometimes, I think girlss' minds wander too far, uhuh?
David Cook for American Idol sang a song called 'Little Sparrow' and somehow that got my attention, more than before. yeah, random fact but I think that one was steamy. You have two awesome points on my list- one fore your fedora, and this one. The 'Little Sparrow' point. (:
It's down to Singapore on Wednesday, I'm scared and a little relived at the same time. I personally think I'll be able to pull of a split personality character not too badly if ever I need too. Heroes, maybe? :p
Oh and Nicole, if you read this am I going to see you babe?
I get amused over the most nonsensical things I swear. My earring is a heart shape (:So in the car, while the roads were a little cloggy, I realised that this;means 'I love you Daddy'! Heh, LAMEEEE, but yeah (:
That's about all that's been happening.
Stay tuned for more, although I have no idea when the next post will be, or what it'll be about seeing this one was so all over the place.
If you managed to read it right till the end, kudos to you (: And thank you, that meant alot.
'Taa lovely.
OHHHH, and I was blindfolded for about three hours for Youth to promote a disability event that's coming up. Wasn't easy honestly, I'd elaborate more but I 'have' to go. Soon though I promise.
Not getting enough sleep apparently. PPFT, myyyy body ):
GoodNight, Loves.

Here, now.

At times like these, being an ant looks so much more appealing.
You're so saturated with flawlessness, you blind me; it's so unfair.
Don't compare? I wouldn't if I could, but you come with the whole package thus it's impossible not to.
I don't like it sometimes, I even carry around a sexist pencil box with me. That's unintentional though.
But as unintentional as that is, I'm sure, I will blame myself if I let this happen, intentionally.
Wait, not intentionally but without precaution, without considering the pros and cons. Taking a step forward, only to find that you're taking two steps, back. -seems worthless, right?
I think despite all the concealer, the coverups, the masked beauty that is done so perfectly, it isn't. Or maybe it is, I just don't see it.
That doesn't change anything though, you're still; flawlesssssss.
Maybe it's in the genes, maybe it's in the way you were brought up, maybe it's just you. The ability to not have a single strand of hair out of place, the ability to look so poised, so elegant, so cover of a magazine worth, without needing to even try that hard. it's reflected in the whole lifestyle, the whole character. Your whole being. It's the ability to make me feel so inferior, although I don't even know you other than seeing glossy pictures.
But then I remember, to take care of myself because I know I can't handle it. And the letting people in, seems like a blazing sun to the moon. Too overshadowing, too scary, and I'm not ready.
Because; "I don't like letting people in, because I'd rather not take the chance of getting hurt."
Yeah, I might need to work on this, and a whole bunch of other issues too :/ -Deal with it?
I think, you know.
.
Han Wei : OOH, what's a bear without teeth called?
Sarah, Yi Lin , Wee Han : A toothless bear, bare teeth, no teeth bear?
Han Wei : Noooo, a gum-mie bear.
Sarah : HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Han Wei : You're the first person I know to actually find that funny
-___-
.
Pau Ling : What did Mozart do after he died?
Sarah, Rachel, Han Wei : Uhh, I dunno.
Pauling : Decompose.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
.
"You know, I saw a flower this morning and I thought it was the most beautiful thing on earth, and then, I saw you."
That, is a catch phrase of Jack which was experimented on me. He had three more, which earned him four points all together; that's considered good on my list apparently! Every catch phrase which I deem worthy, receives a point and his ranking goes higher on my 'list'. This, is to degrade my future boyfriend, and if ever, a catch phrase like one that Jack has said is being used on me by Mr. Future Boyfriend, I get to say;
"Sorry man, I've heard that one before (:"
Back to the list, he was doing considerably well, the cheesiness was good, the fake doe blinking eyes was there; and mind you, this is the guy who directed our class drama!
And thennnn, the Hakka dial-ague came up. Somehow, they started talking about potatoes and it was 'call the other person a potato in the Hakka dial-ague' time.
(They were muttering 'you are a potato' in Hakka, to each other)
I, was sitting down at the table, being a Chinese who can't speak Chinese, I decided to skip the embarrassment, was doing my Chemistry which I failed so miserably to understand and all of a sudden, Jack goes in Hakka, "Sarah! You're a potato!"
Sarah : Whaaaat O_O. Jack you're down with you're points. It's negative ten now! ):
Jack : NOOOOOOO!

Trying to make a comeback, he thinks of catch phrases abruptly, and seeing a frame of dead preserved butterflies on the wall, comes up with,
"After seeing those butterflies, I though I hadn't seen anything more beautiful. And then I saw you."
Sarah : OHHHH, so after you call me a potato you compare me with a dead butterfly? Gaaaasp Jack O_O. Down Hundred!
Jack : Oh craaaap la!
Wee Han : Silence is a virtue Jack, silence is a virtue.
.
HAHAHAHAHA, hilarious.
I apologize for the bleak lack of colour in my blog. I don't like it that much too ):
Pictures to come, when YOU start taking pictures with me.
'Taa lovelies.