Ever Ready.

Failed You, countless times.
Lost priorities for You, so many times.
Laid anger, frustration, doubt on numerous times and just so easily.
Put at the back of everything else, because it sometimes feels, like You aren't there, not tangible, not viewable, not present.
The feeling, isn't there, therefore it sometimes seems like it's becoming a chore, a task. -Something I've just been brought up with.
But then the insecurity kicks in when the bouts come, the worry, frustration and anger get intertwined in a whole big ball of feeling utterly disabled.
And people let me down. Things don't go the way I want them too. Looks don't turn out the way they should be, instead of decreasing, they increase and instead of empty, they fill.
Security from a certain something doesn't seem to be coming they way it has before, they way it can, they way it should because I want it too, I mean it has happened before, so why is it not working now?
And silently, You're there. Ready, Open, and Waiting.
Not tangible, not viewable, but so definitely present. Like You had, have and will be.
It's not ignorance, I think. It's just humane to slip, stumble, neglect sometimes. Sometimes, because it's simple, easy and it's just a 'one off thing', something that won't happen again. After all, You'd understand, wouldn't You?
It hurts You, it hurts like any human would hurt- bad. But you don't neglect, like we sometimes do. Don't give up, get angry or turn away thinking this is just not worthit.
You are Ready, Open and Waiting.
Because You care, love, own.
Because You know, I need You. And I know, I need You.
Because, You're, You.

.
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth-
Would care to know my name, Would care to feel my hurt.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.

Ohh, Hello.

I actually have this list I like to call the 'Messy' list. It's states all the things I want to clear, clean or get rid off that I feel is well, messy.
And one of it is the fact that when I go to my archives, the pictures from Melbourne used to hang and not load.
I've gotten down to wiping off one task off that list and that is to re-do the Melbourne post and now-
The Melbourne post, finally loads all it's pictures (:
I am a happy happy girl.
I've been a slacky slacky girl also lately, seeing that posts aren't appearing as often as they used to, my rooms a mess, I can't seem to study properly without getting distracted after just a while.
Hopefully that clears up soon, huh?
It's going to rain, or more of the sky is cloudy. So I am going to talk silently in the pool now, ohh how fun.
-StrawberryBubbleTea tastes, Yuck.
But You, ohsoYumm (:
-I played blindfolded Twister after a few years, and I succeeded in twisting around.
I've always found contorting interesting somehow too.
-Worship leading this Saturday might require blindfolds, now to go look for them :/
-I hate the 'F' word and everything it relates too.
I detest the fact that it's linked to so many things, and the ability it has to effect so strongly.
It might not mean anything originally, but it comes out sounding, utterly grotesque.
-Jeremiah 18:6
.. "Like clay in the hands of the potter, so are you in My hands."
'Taa love.

Psycho.

*I have two cuts on my feet.
They hurt and they make it hard for me to skip, run and walk around. How inconvenient.
*I had this real strong urge to run that day.
I love running, you just constantly move and you don't really have to think about where you go.
But my knees had these sharp jolts of pain when I walked in certain angles, and I heard a cracking sound when I stepped down a stair.
*I like toiletry shopping. I find the prospect of surveying the many possible brands of toiletry that sit on the shelves, very interesting.
I now, have an addition of two more bottles of shampoo and conditioner, elastic plasters (Hey youu- they didn't have the zebra ones ): ), a pink toothbrush and Darlie toothpaste, in my toilet.
*The Hilton lobby is a pretty pleasant place to meet up with someone at. Must be the pretty lights, pretty people all dressed up, pretty rooms with pretty toilets and prettygorgeous swimming pool.
The buffet spread, unlike other buffet spreads wasn't as bad as I expected, considering it to be a buffet spread. But this time of the month being Ramadhan, didn't make that very pretty ):
And somehow, being in a five star hotel and attempting to jog on the spot after, gives you more weird glares, than usual as compared to other hotel lobbys.
And because I really cannot think of anything else sensible enough to say, yet I do not want to leave the last post hanging in mid air- I like this continuous flow thing somehow? -I shall leave these little nonsensical typings and a very disturbing picture I found sitting in my picture folder, from a videocall.
*Points above* (Boooo.)
There are pictures of a dissected frog and very whacky class people on the way.
So stay tuned, remember to take care of your dental hygiene, and don't fall down.
I tripped on the pavement that day and turned slightly red. I couldn't see this colour change but I could feel my face getting all flustered.
'Taa lovely.

The younger sister, has tagged me.
*Jaw drops open* :O
I go to school and tell Ms. SafetyNet who gives a just as shocking reply saying that her younger sister, has tagged her too, with the same tag.
Talk about younger sisters and how they coincidentally do the most unexpected of things.
I had this phase where I secretly planned to meet the band members of Westlife and get them to become friends with me, hopefully leading on to something more and *poof*, marriage comes up- when I was between nine to twelve.
I had posters, their albums and memorized their song lyrics by heart. But then Brian Macfadden dropped out leaving the four of them to come up with some jazz-thingamajigish-album which back then was not good news to a twelve year old girl who would be on the brink of inasnity if ever Westlife touched her.
I do like jazz now though, yes I do (:
Sandra is now in that mode too, I think but instead of Westlife she gets hyped up with the Jonas Brothers. It gets pretty interesting seeing we have this huge debate all the time about how I think they resemble Cavemen and Rempits; what with their hugeass sideburns, curly hair and their ohsotight skinny jeans and stripey shirts. She on the other hand, lets out small squeals when they play, goes near psycho on the phone with her friend after a music snippet of them come out on tv, and know much more about them than I do.
I'm going to make it clear that I do think at certain times they get pretty funky, and I do not hate them, (This protects me by preventing a swarm of tween girls trampling over me due to apparent 'vulgarity' towards the three hunka-brothers, I'm sure) but that's just my stand on the Jonas Brothers.
The youngest curly haired one, I think he's Nick- is pretty adorable I must say (:
Apparently, the three of 'em got mocked at for wearing purity rings at the MTV music awards which I must say- is pretty preposterous.
So although I have not much clue about this Russel Brand guy?-
I do know that I have somewhat of a purity ring too, and if he chooses to see virginity like giving free hugs? Well, I'm praying he doesn't have to deal with a baby or a STD until he finally sees the importance of keeping it till after the altar.
Back to the tag. Because BM is a horrid subject and the attention span of Rachel and I are unfortunately, short- "Urgh, I'm feeling restless." we came up with a list of what we would write in the tags. Somehow I slipped it into my pink file but I can't find the list right now, so at the top of my head- here it goes (:
.
State 15 weird things/ habits/ little known facts about yourself.
The 10 people I tag are to then to follow my footsteps and write their own 15 weird things/habits and little known facts.
1 I use two types of soap when I shower.
I use the bar soap and then then shower gel.
I don't feel that comfortable not using two somehow. Little dirty-ish (:
2 I stand with my two feet facing inwards when I'm not moving.
Apparently, I am slightly bow legged which is not going to be very good for my back when I grow up.
3 I take pretty long to finish eating.
There's this thing I have where I need to chew my food properly otherwise I feel pretty uncomfortable with myself.
So if I do go out to eat with you, you might have to be patient for just a bit longer than usual.
4 I am hair-dryer-phobic.
I ask the hairdressers to blow my hair dry with cold air at the saloons and I don't use hairdryers at home.
So after I shower I do this swing my head back and forth thing to get rid of the water. Kind of like, a dog (:
5 I sleep on one side of the bed only.
My bed can actually be divided into two parts seeing it's a queen sized one.
But I sleep on the left side only cause the other side makes me feel like I'm not sleeping on my own bed. And I pretty much am very comfortable with my bed.
6 I cried when I first got my glasses.
I think I look pretty nerd in 'em. I wear contacts out whenever I can now unless my eye is infected/ swollen, or the outfit doesn't scream -thaaaat fugly.
7 I am an upper body person when it comes to guys.
I like the whole buff upper torso look.
Not too muscular cause that'll just be a turn off. But I like the six pack, hard chest and arms (ohmygawsh and nice armss yes (:) look-Something like that (: (:
And I like guys who smell like cologne, pretty yummy.
Excuse the shallow-ness.
8 I do not consume butter or pigs.
I am capable of shedding tears if I do consume either one.
I expand when I take butter, and I do not like pigs.
I am not Muslim though.
9 I can do a standing bridge.
I have gotten stuck halfway while doing a standing bridge (:
10 My nose changes with temperature.
I start to get a runny nose when there is a sudden temperature change and my throat gets itchy.
So much thatit even effects me when I step out of the car sometimes.
11 I am terrified of good looking people.
I get intimidated and I start to either bite my nails or twirl my hair. Which are the symptoms of me feeling unsteady.
12 I don't like standing on ground outside familiar buildings, barefooted.
My feet feel really slimey and dirty without slippers or shoes. And I cannot stand standing on grass barefooted, I find that detestable. I squish my toes together when I have to.
13 Big bags make me feel a bit more stable.
Tiny bags make me feel a little naked.
Big bags are a little more friendly and because hugging someone all the time would be just, weird- I hug my big bags (:
14 I like guys who cry.
Sounds pretty sadistic here I know. But I think guys who aren't afraid to show that the male species can actually, cry are really brave.
Those who don't show they can/want to are a little egoistic to me, not that I'm discriminating or anything.
I don't mean that they should cry as often as girls. Just at appropriate times, you know? Like how the groom tears when he sees his bride on their wedding day kind of thing? (:
15 I do things in sevens.
I saw it's being a little superstitious, know lucky number seven?
Mummy calls it silly and slightly OCD, but we all have those don't we? I tend to do things in sevens/ involve the number seven in the things I do.
Umm, like I think I knock the door seven times (:

And to-
1 YiLin and XinHui, the Slut and Whore in the S.A.W
2 Sara Loo
3 Kevin Loo
4 Nicole Babe (and Kim if you read this (:)
5 Eugene Phua
6 Hui Ying
7 Joanne Yu
8 Ivan Lim
9 Han Jung, the bug
10 Shivani
- you are the ones who have popped in my head while I was asking myself, 'Who would be interesting to tag to do this tag'. So there, have fun. Not that other people aren't interesting, cause I'm very sure you are, said without a trace of sarcasm intended. I have a straight face.
PauLing and MeiYi, Rachel's going to tag you both (:
.
'Taa loves.

Snippits (:

Daddy: Hey the sunset looks pretty nice huh?
Sarah: Mm yeah. I've seen nicer ones before though.
Daddy: That just proves I'm easier to please (:
.
Romeo attacked me somewhere mid week.
The phone rang and just moments before I had left it in my room, and now the household members were looking for the ringing object, not able to find it seeing it was strewn ontop of my pink bedsheet.
I rushed out of the room, Romeo thought I was playing with him and he gnawed my leg which turned out to be a bite.
Psycho.
I texted Ms TanYiLin and because I deleted some of my sent messages, I can't remember exactly what I said. But the interesting part doesn't come from me- now does it Slore ;)
*I told her Romeo bit me on the leg. Did a little dramatising, told her he went psycho and whatnot.
YiLin: Ohmygosh. Did you provoke him or smth? Ohemgee did you try to hump Romeo to please your inner desires? O.O
*I 'haha'-ed her. Told her I was expecting her to be concerned, ask the usual 'Are you okay?'
Told her how devastated I was that my secret about the humping got out after attempting to keep it a secret all this while. Note, the sarcasm. Told her it must've been getting excited about the capability of the human tongue and nails to be sexy- the topic discussed in school the day before, and I wondered who's fault that was.
YiLin: Heh. Didn't I not ask? I did, it's isi tersirat hun (: Oh, XinHui fo sho.
*I texted back a few other texts which I can't remember contained, what exactly. But I told her that I in actual fact, very obviously did not hump Romeo, he's the one that comes onto people and that I am only and have always been interested in the male species.
And then?-
YiLin: Denial is the first step to recovery honey. It's okay, I know the truth. Just find him a bitch and you'll have a million toy poodles to 'play' with.
o___________________________O?
And that, is why YiLin's awesome (:
.
I have been attempting to study at the weirdest times of the night, falling asleep and waking up to find I haven't packed my bag at around five am aprroximately, then heading back upstairs again to fall asleep 'properly'.
I usually can't rekindle the dreams I have before till after abit. But then Daddy comes in, wakes me up and stops them because it's time to get ready for school.
How convenient- and mind you my dreams have been extraordinary recently.
So while I was studying about covalent bonds in molecules that night, I had a minor diversion (: The pink pencil, pink liquid paper and pink boxers. (!!) Heh (:
.
Who's Bella?
Umm, someone.
Who?
I'm not sure yet, I'll let you know when I find out exactly okay?
Do I love Bella?
Umm, I don't know. But you love Sarah and Belle.
Okay then, I love Sarah and Belle. (:
(:

Like, sometimes it feels like you guys don't care anymore? Like you guys don't really take it that much into consideration.
Yeah, to a certain extent it's true. We don't give in to Bella.
.
Someone's grafitised my whiteout and nearly pushed me into a fishpond.(:
.
sloo_ bear with me this is all i have left says:
Hey sweets, just wanna let you know I'm praying for you, Belle, and BellA. All the time yah? (: Wearing you and thinking of you lots. Have an awesome afternoon with lots of fun things and stuff. Miss you heaps. Lovelove, Wonderwoman. xx
I love you, SaraLoo. Thank you (:
.
That about sums up as much as I can remember.
Heading down to the land of the clean on Wednesday, then comes Saturday.
Ohh, 'racecar' spelt backwards is still- racecar (:
And if you have fluffy big hair and you wear a shirt with leaves on it? You will look like a cockatoo. Yes MissRachelHo? ;)
Have a nice week (:
'Taa pretty.

Figurine.

Dear Bella,

The doll that we're building together is still in the process of being built.It's still in the middle of being carved, shaped and put together.
Seeing you provided me with the instructions in black and white, it started out easy enough. I removed unnecessary parts which didn't seem fitting to your eye, suitable to be placed on the doll. Let's name her, Sarah seeing it's ultimately going to be mine for possession.
I looked at the layout you handed me and it looked not too complicated, not too hard and it looked simple enough for me to handle. Sure, there were going to be a few obstacles on the way. Like figuring out how I was going to fit my big pieces I had in hand, into the small holes you sketched out in the instructions given. Splinters, papercuts and bruises from the hammering to be done, did I forsee. But I told myself and keep telling myself sometimes now- that the end product would be worthit. The finished doll would be just like the picture you had so carefully sketched out, and with your perfection in mind while you were drawing it?- the chances of it turning out flawless, seemed high.
You ordered certain sized pieces to be fit into the holes, but they're very apparently sold out and not ever going to be replenished again. So we have to settle for these sized ones I guess. Yeah, I'm sure you would have wanted them to be much tinier, petite and perfectly taut. But seeing that it's impossible because the Supplier chose to give us these parts, you're settling for it huh?
What's that you say?- Okay, I know you're not happy. But we'll just have to not accept and sizes bigger than the ones we already have.
Like I said, it started out simple enough-
1) Do not use additional substances, other than the ones you absolutely have to use.
Problem with that rule, was that the adhesive glue that was crucial in keeping the pieces of Sarah together, started to run out slowly. I thought we could compensate, you know. Use less glue so even if the doll turned out fragile, she would still stick?
But then one day the glue completely ran out, and she started falling apart slowly. I did try to mend her back, use other sticky things like pretty cellophane tape and pink tack, but it just didn't work- she just kept falling apart.
The Supplier kept track of our work in progress and saw we needed help. So He provided us with a whole lot more of glue, and it was of a better stronger and more reliable quality. And slowly, Sarah got stuck back together, piece by piece again.
2) The work in progress must be kept a secret, until completed.
You had in mind to flaunt the finished project after it was finally done. Who would want to see sawdust, scraps of material and unfinished pieces lying around anyway? No, we would just reveal Sarah when she was completed.
But problems arose when we both realised, the touchups could never end. There were just too many flaws that kept popping up and keep emerging.
And from the start, the Supplier knew every single detail of our work in progress. He knew every measurement, every nail nailed into place, every wooded piece cut into shape and every colour painted onto our doll.
Because ultimately, He supplied the original pieces and had moulded each piece into shape, already.
3) Do not take in others opinions, because I have already given you instructions and a laid out plan which is- perfect.
I guess this is the part where you come in as being dominant, strong-willed and well, selfish?
You didn't and don't want anyone elses opinion because you have a fixed picture and product-to-be formed. I understand you put alot of hard work into creating this doll, writing out these instructions, all to create something- 'beautiful'. You've cried, bled and been hurt numerous times, you've pushed yourself, stretched to hurtful limits- because you desired to achieve something perfect. And it seems like, you've got it all sketched out on paper now haven't you?
But then, in the real world where this doll is going to become tangible and filled with emotions, unlike on paper- there are so many others, with different opinions all waiting to be strewn out. Some are bad, not very nice to hear and contribute to the making of Sarah. But some actually make sense and seem logical, a little more than your opinions, sometimes.
And in this real world apparently, 'perfection' is just a word and idea. And although you can't kill or get rid of an idea, ultimately the tangible creation, created has more power to overcome, ideas.
That's most of how the dolls is coming along I guess.
Seems like the bunch of ideas you have, haven't turned out that well despite them sounding easy. Despite the determination to bring your flawless masterpiece which holds so much surface beauty to life.
Believe me, I've tried and I'm still trying to achieve the end product you have laid plan because- well it really does look beautiful.
But somehow, the obstacles bring me down a little bit more each time I have to face them. They bring me down and they make the splinters, papercuts and bruises more painful. Because while following your instructions one by one which have been so carefully planned out, I keep bumping into new obstacles which never seem to end. And it's getting tiring, overcoming and persevering. The pieces the Supplier have given us are fixed too, they can't be shrunk, reshaped or recoloured. And that just contributes to the problem. Because they are so different from the sketches you have drawn out, they are much bigger and differently shaped.
"Give it up, girl. It's just to hard to achieve that."
I've heard that from Mummy, and sometimes it makes me stop for a little while and think, maybe that might not be too bad a thing to do. Or maybe, I could afford to tweak Bellas plans just a little bit.
But then I stop and I see your sketch and I fall in love with it all over again, and get confused.
New splinters, papercuts and bruises keep emerging before the old ones have time to heal. They hurt and they're hard to deal with.
But at the same time I really, really want to create the sketch you have on paper, Bella. Because on the surface it looks really pretty. And to be honest, I don't really trust myself with coming up with my own sketch, especially with the size of pieces I'm stuck with.
The splinters, papercuts and bruises are really starting to hurt, and they are eventually going to limit the amount of things I'm able to do, limit my movement. But at the same time, picking up a pen, to start drawing a whole new doll, seems way too scary seeing I don't think I trust myself just yet.

, Belle.

Youth Sunday.

The Art of Living was held again for the whole church, Sunday.
And somehow I found this time around, the old-er people seemed a little bit more, excited (:
More, ooh's and aah's. Interesting (:
More importantly, I experimented with Caspian (:
He was gorgeous to hang out with, so I was happy.
And for those who didn't know, *coughEugenecough*, Caspian is, the black sexy thing that captures moments faster than my seven megapixel camera which although did serve me well,- ever did.
The Poster.

The Band.The Flag.Station- Alone, Without You.Station- (:Station- Let Go, Let God.

Ryan, Love (: Station- (I'm)Perfect..
Know what's funny? Mummy came into the room, tapped my shoulder and saw me on the phone and says-
"Who?"
"Uhhhh, Ian (:"
In a loud tone, she goes- "Iann, please make sure Sarah studies cause she hasn't been." -smiles, then walks away.
o_______O?
So yeah, that in alot of words, sums up; I have to go, now. (:'TaTaa-('r sauce is yucky).
Eeh (:

Judge Gets Killed, on CSI.

Surviving, but not Living.
Communicating but not Relating.
Sufficient, seems like it's becoming way too much.
Determined, but not Prioritised.
So near, seems still very, very far.
And this being easy, well. Noone ever said it would be.
.
I came across PostSecrets that day. And I fell in love with the concept of being able to be so truthful, straight forward, blunt.
And all at the same time, discreet, invulnerable, hidden.
Coincidentally, I decided to clear out my box of post cards which caused my drawer to after the numerous attempts of pulling, get stuck.
And I found a postcard. .
Dear Sarah,
Well hello. It seems like it's been a while, hasn't it? Seems like it's been a while since I last came to talk to you, well- actually have a meaningful talk. You see, there's been a few road blocks the past two years. There's been a few obstacles that prevented me from visiting, a few people who stopped me from spending too much time with you. Speaking words, Counting numbers and I can't even tell you how hard it's been to try to draw you certain images. That's probably been the part I've tried the hardest to get by them with, the images. I've succeeded a few times, you've seen my drawings, haven't you? They're actually pretty ugly. They somehow turn out big, huge and they blob out in certain places no matter how tiny a pen tip I try to use.
Sure, people tell you to tell me that these drawings look fine, perfect in their own way- but no. They lie when they say it's us seeing things distortedly. Because I'm the artist, aren't I? I know the lines, curves and size of every drawing, better than they ever will. I can see things they can't, I can feel things they can't touch, and when I saw the drawings are too big, too rough and too imperfect, I'm right.
How have you been, Sarah? Without me I'm sure it's been chaotic. I'm sure it's been tough trying to find your own ground, build your own shape and portray your own image. I mean, we've become such close friends, haven't we? We found new numbers and lost some pounds that were weighing us down. I'd say that's a pretty big accomplishment, wouldn't you?
But like I said, the distance that you and me have had must've been hard. I see you've returned to the familiar numbers, much higher than the ones we targeted and manged to score. I see you have more contact with gravity now, than when we were closer back then. You seem, fuller. Fuller.
Oh I'm sorry. Am I scaring you? How could I, I'm your friends and friends don't want whats bad for their friends now, do they? The only time 'additional' isn't a cuss word is when it's used in context to how my friendship comes with an additional point. You see, I'm scared to become friends with just, anyone. I'm scared to show myself for who I am because I know I have certain downsides, many actually.
But when I do, find a friend, I cling tightly to him/her. This case you. I don't let them go because that means I become vulnerable, insecure and my purpose is no longer there- needed. I become unexpected and I will not get the attention I feel safe with because alone and with all my very bad downsides, I am nobody.
So you see, Sarah, I've found you. I've become your friend and we won't ever be separated now, would we?
I see you're scared. I see you're terrified about how people see you, well I am too. That's why we should obtain a certain image that we're both comfortable in. Achieve a size and image that people will accept and not object to. We must hinder any glares, comments and opinions that are negative or not beneficial to our minds.
I like small things, petite and fragile. So as your friend, maybe you should share that interest too.Perfection spells beauty for me too. It's good to try to want things to be, flawless. I mean, flawless means there are no, flaws doesn't it? And who likes things to be messed up? It's good when people are happy, things are neat and tidy, pretty and very importantly, there is no fa* within even a million miles of the radius we are in.
Let's say, things do not go perfectly, Sarah. Well then there’s nothing else to blame other than the fact that you did not set a strong enough target on the board of perfection. You might have aimed, the dart might have got onto the fifty mark, but that just means it didn't hit the bullseye- and that's not perfect. If people are angry, it means you're not presentable enough, and who doesn't like good presentation. If things you do don't turn out pretty, neat and good enough- it means you're not putting in a hard enough effort.
So like I said, perfection is crucial in assuring a job gets well done, flaws don't arise- and everything goes, smoothly.
What? Other people? Well, I thought I was your friend. I thought you and me would have a happy relationship together, I mean two peas in a pod?
Oh, I see you have, 'other' relationships, huh? Well it's okay. If you disappoint them, if you hurt and let them down, I'm still be here to back you up. I mean, we do know each other inside out don't we? And what could hold a friendship stronger together than that?
Sure, spilling a little bit of ink on other relationships isn't in the category of 'perfection' we talked about. But it's okay- if it doesn't work out in that aspect, we'll just work on the image part of it.
We'll excel there.
Hmm, you look tired? Well don't be. I don't like getting tired, I like using up all the energy I have. Why not use the calories all up? I mean, that's why we put it in for right? To the let it all go again.Weak, you say? Sure you will be if you don't use up all that muscle. You get stronger the more you have. Better than having adipose now, isn't it. Remember, muscle definition is good- muscle definition and that alone. Any other bumps are disgusting and unworthy. We've got alot of work to do, with you I see. That means you start pushing harder. And like they say- No pain, No gain.
In this case, loss.
Boy, there's been alot of stuff we've backtracked on now, hasn't there? Yeah, I've been gone a couple of years now but I guess it's hard for me to let friendships go.
I'm still here, as strong for you as you want me to be for you, as ever.
I still keep the secrets we formed together, still think the same thoughts we conjured. Do you, remember them?
I have lost certain parts of you to these people though. My puppeteer skills have apparently gone, especially in controlling the mouth and parts of the brain.
You've learnt, experienced and achieved many things during my absence and I have to say without denial- they are beautiful. But I guess we both still know how scared we can sometimes get, isn't it? How insecure we can both feel, and I guess at those times we both know our strong bond will help us to cope.
Our strong bond that was formed when I decided to make you my friend.
I did lie a teensy bit when I said you shouldn't be scared though, Sarah. I can actually get a little overprotective, overwhelming and overcontrolling at times. I don't hurt though. I, think.
Love, Bella.
*
Bella,
You're very decisive I see. I see you're scared of people yet very strong willed to making choices when it comes to your ownself.
It looks like you have nothing much to worry about. Nothing much to pull you down along with gravity, nothing much to get you trapped in bushes with thorns, 'surface area' wise.
Looks like you have it pretty easy, looks like you don't seem to need to be bothered by what other people think because, there just isn't enough cells on you to be bothered by.
And I know for a fact, that you are 'beautiful', persistent, determined, strong-willed, perfectionistic but in doing so you also turn out selfish.
However, 'selfish' isn't made obvious by your actions. Because in when you are a perfectionist, you don't allow selfish to join the club. The fact of the matter is that you still are.
Like I said, selfish isn't made obvious by your doings. You portray something that is, well beautiful and steady, safe. So much so that you've got me into believing you without my say. So much so that because I didn't have a say- I don't know if you go beyond flawless or are absolutely flawed.
If you were a beauty accessory, I'm thinking you would very much be foundation. Because you cover up flaws, pretty well (:
There's no doubt I think foundation is an awesome invention. They make covergirls look like they've got baby butt soft skin. And who doesn't want smooth skin. But at the same time, I detest foundation. Because it's just a semi permanent thing that comes off when soap and H20 run down a face and then the natural skin is revealed. Be it intriguingly beautiful, or horrifying.
Did I tell you I get nervous when I don't hold things, like whenever I stand with my arms at the side of me, I feel uncomfortable. Oh wait, I'm sure you know by now.
Because you seem to be doing this puppeteer job really well. You seem to be in full control when I don't know what else to do with my hands.
I like the fact that that somehow takes of my burden of having to maneuver when I;m not to sure what to do. Yet at the same time, I know that would I like to draw something, it would be pretty hard to take a scissors and snip of the strings of you controlling me, because well- you're the puppeteer.
So other than the fact that I'm scared? I just, don't really know?
, Sarah.
.
I hope you read this and understand it.
Because you're way to far away right now, and the times you're near- it just doesn't come out. And talking to myself is getting tiring. Especially when I know how hard it hits, when it hits hard.
She distances herself abit when surrounded by your fluorescent lights and purple pillows maybe. But she's still pretty much present other times. Subtly, despite her size not being an issue anymore- present.
At times, this pro and con thing, is getting really hard to juggle.

Weak, end.

Her phone rings and Lifehouse plays. Her fetish for You and Me still remains, it hasn't worn out yet and it's been more than a year. Answering it groggily she looks at the clock and realises it's seven in the morning, on a Saturday. Not, Sunday she reminds herself. But then again, it's early and slight mixups like that do happen.
"Hey you." (:
Somehow, shes consciously unconscious and despite the fact that she's reminded herself to wake up early the previous night, she falls back asleep and wakes up two hours later to find it's late and cloudy out. Not a good combination seeing it's Saturday and her resolution the night before obviously, failed.
She's clad in Red. And she consumes cereal and lowfat milk from a pink plastic bowl using a pink plastic spoon thinking, "Hey, this somewhat matches. (: Pretty cool."
The clouds get rumbly, and heavier than they were just a few minutes ago.
Request, Rebel, Regret, Rage.
How could, you ):
Then, she looks outside and it starts to Rain. Not just a drizzle but pretty heavy rain.
She Reminisces and thinks about how Revenge was much easier back then. How words were much easier strewn out, hunger easier to be Retained and how everything seemed to just Revolve around that fixed and certain something, making everything else seem so much easier.
She'd Run to compensate if she could but then again, it's raining out and that messes everything up at that certain moment. So instead, she draws. Draws and inserts her swirls onto the paper in black ink and everything looks clear enough.
She swirls because you don't need to have a limit when you swirl. You don't need to know where it starts and where it ends, it just keeps on going and ends up looking, pretty enough.
It's nearly two and she consumes. Consumes because it's become a Routine, a Ritual embedded into her somewhat against her own will. She thinks, maybe that's what it seems like Right now.
She doesn't like it, doesn't want it and would much prefer the thought of suppressing the appetite, right now.
But she Retaliates, over and over again. Debating and doing the whole pro and con thing. It's all so messy and though they Resemble the mixture of the swirls, they are in everyway so unlike.
She looks in the wretched mirror and see's Red again. She Remembers a certain statement and shudders,
"Know Red's supposed to boost your appetite?"
Told you, she's a strong believer or Murphy's law. That's not what she needs to know, hear and think right now. She needs it to be the complete opposite.
So making her way upstairs, she changes out of her Red clad tee.
It's Saturday and there's half a day more to go. That sounds way too long considering the Rate the day's already going.
She's scared. Really, scared.

Say, OOOOHH.

*Does the wave (:*
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Youth was, interesting (:
The day before Malaysia turned 51 was supposed to be a patriotic one.
But I like green and pink balloons. And green and pink balloons are not, in the Malaysian flag colours! ): So, I blew 'em up anyway.
And look, they're in my shape.

Zoe, Sarah, Germaine.
And again.Thanks to PhyeBeng, I now know that pictures with lower ISO settings will appear less grainy and of nicer quality.
Thanks to Anderson, I went home with two balloons, instead of four.
And thanks to Germaine and Eugene, I had to spend about half an hour carrying around a 10 foot long yellow garden hose.
And, Eugene- is very similiar to Dr. House.

Sarah: Eyhh, I just saw your ' you could be House' on the teee-veee! (:
Eugene: You have a big TV? You could have a party, I'll bring the mamee monster. It'll be a House party, get it?
Sarah: Yeah, surprisingly I do. (I can't remember exactly what but- House being a doctor, I said something referring that he could bring drugs, for the party.)
And then,
Eugene: Indeed, I know pharmacists.
Sarah: -_______-
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I love the fact that in the whole world, there are a gazillion people. I exaggerate, because I don't know the exact number. Nonetheless, there are- alot of people around.
I told you, I'm slightly claustrophobic. Which means I get queasy in too small places, with too many people, and too little oxygen for good air circulation.
No, I do not faint- in fact I've never passed out ever in my entire life. But I do get a little edgy and uncomfortable.
The fact that there is a Daddy and Daughter, Tween Boy, Mummy and Sons, Mother and Daughter, Friends, Husband and Wife, Couple, Couple of Couples and just more people around me doing their own things, thinking their own thoughts and going through their own life challenges, while i'm going though mine at that exact moment? Kind of makes me think how bewildering it is, that it's all in God's hands at that exact same, one moment.
He's probably a really awesome multitasker, when I can't even drink water and walk at the same time.
It's like; Wow, here I am trying to juggle 123456789 things which are completely insignificant, as compared to the 987654321 crucial things, He probably handles every second. And that second number, probably is not even close, to that- gazillion people.
.
Hiding things isn't something you do. It's a skill that needs, practice to be pulled of, perfectly.
Like how they sometimes tell you what to wear in order to cover up a muffin top, quadruple chin, adipose filled thighs and chicken wing arms. It might be less visible, covered up. But the fact is that it's still- there.
"Unless you're sure you know a person from the inside out? You only see jigsaw pieces, not the whole jigsaw puzzle of people's lives, Sarah."
The jigsaw pieces strewn out are usually the colourful ones, the ones that are easy to fit in. Like the sides which are known to be the first pick, the outline and the easiest pieces of the whole jigsaw to understand. The rest are either complicated or just not that easily accepted- easy to be fit in.
But I guess, at the end of it all, it's every single jigsaw piece. Curvy or straight, colourful or dull; which makes the whole jigsaw itself. Beautiful in all it carries and portrays.
.
"It might just be a temporary thing, something that's going to last for just this while. Or it may carry on blossoming till later years in the future. But whatever it is, it's something that has and will be off significance to you, Sarah.
This is either going to shape and help you grow for now- help you learn from your mistakes? Or it might keep shaping and helping you grow better day by day- even in the future.
Whatever it is, it's of significance. Clearly it is already, and that's going to play and important part in your whole lifeline."
That, makes it so much more thrilling, to think of how many significant, significances- have been of such significance already.
.
'Diet, is a four letter word.'
Yet, the statistic number is increasing. The scale numbers are decreasing. And glances thrown without any intention, become even more of a lovehate thing, become even harder to battle with, and much more excruciating to take down and analyse.
Because less, still seems like more at times. Safer, Easier, Better.
.
I was consuming lunch and suddenly, I had this sudden paranoia, that I would wake up one morning and find out that I had put on a massive ton of weight, or wake up with a massive breakout.
And that had to be one of the scariest moments of the week. Eeehhh ):
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I bite my nails when I get edgy, nervous or stressed out.
Really, if you watched closely, you would notice.
Speaking of nails, I bought HotRed nail polish and I'm planning on painting my toes (:
But being perfectionistic, they probably need to go through the whole sterilisation process before. Otherwise, I'd just feel weird. Like there are stuff on my feet that aren't supposed to be there, you know?
Wish me luck. I tend to always spill some on the floor, bed or stain my fingers only to find out the next morning or a few hours later. This time, the polish being red provides the chance of me screaming- "I'mBleedingMyGawshhhh ): ): ):" out of nowhere and panicking Mummy which will only agitate her more. And after a few seconds and a, "Don't panic unnecessary la, Sarah.", I'd realise it's only my fingers that have been stained red.
.
May our tanktops no matter how similar they may be, and our flipflops no matter how pretty yours may be (really you do have a nice sense of dressing up, not denying that), NEVER get mixed up.
Because it'll probably just be a case of 'Who wears it the best', this time it'll be in real life. And I think that's still horrendously scary for me to handle right now.
.
"I think like sometimes we get what we're both saying without having to say it. You know? (:"
And I'm actually pretty glad for that.
.
-I have cuppa-chee-no yogurt in my fridge. Who would have thought? :/
-'Broccoli: Trees for small people.'
-'I don't eat apples, because my doctor is cute.' But back to real life, having apples give me goosebumps.
Sarah: Know I can't take apples.
Jack: Huh, are you kidding me.
Sarah: Yeahhhh, I can drink apple juice, eat apple pie and I like the apple smell? But I can't take the actually fruit thing (:
Jack: -_____- You're probably the only girl I know who can't eat apples.
Sarah: Yeah, I think it's the sound. Know the crunch? (: (:
So yeah, I really can't eat apples, I get major goosebumps, no exaggeration. We can even try it out to prove it!
- 'Ever think that maybe everything else tastes like chicken?'
- Based on the dictionary, a lampoon is; A letter written to ridicule someone.
Rachel: Hey Jack, can I write you a lampoon? (:
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And to top it all off, the NorthPole has officially become an island. Which means, in the sea there are probably polar bears swimming around looking for land and not being able to find it, they might drown ): All because the ice has melted due to, global warming. You know what that means, no more fuzzy white things used as references to make soft toys out off.
So start by doing your part, plant a tree, don't take plastic bags if you don't need them. And do not use unnecessary tissue unless you need them to blow your nose, really bad. *Cough,HanWeiwhotookmyentiretissuepack (:*
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I miss the Lee-men.
'Taa pretty.