Tyler, (:

They say the brain is a muscle. And you know how I like to work muscles, almost till the point it becomes a obsession, necessity, need.
It's being worked alright, about exactly what I sometimes find it hard to pin point. An exact word to summarize what I think about is hard to put down onto black and white. I can categorize it under a specific genre, if I chose to. This certain word though, is altogether too traumatizing, overwhelming and scary. It doesn't exactly seem to fit in the right places, fall into the right curves and lines and match a size I deem worthy enough to be fixly, numbered. It still doesn't seem to be downsized enough but then again as I've been told, words like this- never remain a fixed, content or at a 'deemed worthy' size.
Back to the muscle in my skull, it's contracting and expanding- working. Till the point that it overanalyzes, thinks, rethinks, overthinks, worries and then just feels like it's squeeze dry from all it's practical and sensible grey matter. It feels like it's running on an auto pilot that does not have a fixed destination or even the slightest idea on where it wants to be heading.
Reflecting mirrors, get me thinking so I've learnt to not take too long glances already. I'm professional at this. Wondering about what another is thinking, is a field I've not yet mastered and right now it's one that works out my skull muscle to limits which start to hurt, confuse, tire out.
I sometimes wish I could scan anyone's brain just by glancing at their heads and I would see word bubbles appear in animation on top of them. But then after I think that, I take back that wish because I fear I will see something I don't like, cannot take, am scared off.
God's one smart guy- the bubble animation thing doesn't exist as far as I know. And maybe it's because he's not given any human the brain capacity, muscle strength to think of suck an invention. Thank, God. :/
*
Sarah: Yeahh, it's been an okay week la. Kinda tiring cause there's loadsa work and projects to catch up on. How's youur, WORK been? :)
Adrian Tan: WORKS been, okay. Tiring like yours- only difference is, I get paid. :D
Just HOWW, do you argue with a statement like that? :)
*
There's just something about certain people that give you an unexplainable feeling. And seeing through the cracks how he silently held your hand, smiles off and on, glances once in awhile and just truly- loves you is when I get that unexplainable feeling. It's beautiful, pure and dumbfounding.
But it results in a smile, and the warm shrug I do. Like the feeling lowfathazelnuthotchocolate from Starbucks gives.
,
By the way and on a very off note, I found out that Starbucks gas a nutritional value website. And dangg some off the stuff- *cough as mentioned above cough* is traumatizing o_o Talk about the need to refrain :/
*
It's something completely unexplainable. This thing called beauty, I think. There were a couple of times its knocked me off balance these past two weeks. Left me completely dumbfounded, unable to speak, move- just plain stunned.
I don't know how eyes work exactly but a mere second is all it takes for beauty to captivate. A short glance is what is needed to bewilder, leave one wondering stuck in their steps unable to function properly for a split second. Just that few seconds to start a whole array of confusion, overthinking, wondering. Eyes are some pretty amazing body parts. Although scientifically proven to be understandable- I don't get them, and I think I actually like it that way.
Today, it was your eyes and how slender, tall and mannequin-esque you were.Your hair, diamond shaped face and mesmerizing smile that made me completely unconscious as off to what I was saying to you. I said Hi but I felt totally absent while doing so, it was like I was auto programmed to answer and make a complete fool out of myself.
Were it an audition for a fairytale, you would get the princess role and I would get the toad. It was as if I reached out to touch your face, my fingers would tingle and burn slightly because of how flawless your features were sculpted on your face.
Unexplainable- because it left me dumbfounded.
As I walked towards the car, I grunted slightly and the persona I felt I played of a grizzly bear was brought into a greater reality. Turning back to catch a glimpse of your white frame prancing of as if you were floating, I didn’t cry and my throat didn’t swell because- it couldn’t even function well enough to do that due to the awe as much as I felt like doing so. The inability to react at the immense aura of beauty you radiated. Something that I felt so tempted to want to just reach out and touch, yet couldn’t because I felt my fingers would cloud, dirty and just pollute with just the slightest brush against how contrasting you were.
I reached the car, closed the door and released a breath. Over and over after I couldn’t say anything else other than- “Mummy, she’s so- pretty. She’s so, pretty.”
*
Random realizations-
1 The chance of guys getting hit on by gay guys at gyms is highly, high.
2 Not too be vulgar, although this is merely said as a statement without any other motives in mind-
I've heard somewhere that there're a few things in life considered to be 'great'. And one of 'em is sex.
If you would know, I absolutely love the beach. Somewhere in a book shop, I passed a book teaching one how t make cocktails and I saw a drink called- sex on the beach.
So the random thought comes in here. Not that I can see it right now, (I must firmly confirm) won't sex on the beach then be double the oomph?
Just, a thought :)
3 An eyelash came out this week and they say you blow an eyelash, a wish comes true. I'm not superstitious, but I don't exactly like black cats either so I blew it and wished. After, I realized how I could prove this theory wrong because lets say I had washed for Gisele's body- it would never come true. Ahh, that's why mummy calls superstitions stupid.
4 There's this particular lizard, on this particular door in my house, that comes out at a particular time at night for the past few months. Indirectly, that makes us owners of a lizard as a pet. How eew :( (Die reptile, diee! Although I must say I freak out at a much lesser extent now, than how I used to when I was younger.)
*
'Taa, love.

Heavily, light-er.

It's raining out right now, the sky is grey, thunder is roaring and flashes of lightning keep me glancing out the window every once in a while. I'm hoping it stops soon. It, must :/
Eugene once said- "Don't you like the rain?" I've pondered and now conclude that I only like the rain at certain times of the day. Or when it goes according to my timing plans and doesn't categorize itself under 'excessive water'.
The weeks been a pretty mundane one as it has been since the starting of the year. Had a couple random urges during the week. Like-
1 playing with an umbrella under the rain,
2 sitting on the swing near midnight (which led to)
3 wanting to play in a playground with the slides, monkey bars and whatnot,
4 wanting to snorkel. Touch an icky fish,
5 wanting to make a cranberry bar,
6 wanting to read a horribly thick book just for the sake of it- my last was Twilight and surprisingly I was pretty hooked on it. But, my craze died shortly after which explains the reason why New Moon is a total stranger to me.
My computer is laa-gingg and I have a million unedited pictures which go back since Chinese New Year I'm still working on. If you know- my mouse runs away after Mummy uses it each time because of the slight undisciplined trait that seems to run in the Lee sibling gene :)
Gisele Bundchen has come out with a gorgeous new line of I-Panemas and I. Am. Going. To. Buy. Them. After, I will groan and complain for a few moments due to the hole buying /em would have burnt in my pocket but then I will look at their gold linings, leaf patterns, smile and it will all be worthit. Because, they're Gisele's :)
Don't feel, Don't look, Just Move.
My brain is pretty floppy. I use 'floppy', a pretty pathetic word to emphasize how dead it feels. Melbourne Sarah, Melbourne :/
Watching LA ink definitely is not on the top of Daddys list to see me doing. "I thinkk, I might want to get a tattoo :)"'s after watching some beautiful art pieces get engraved on peoples bodies leaves him glaring on me with a look with borders mortification.
I have only one happy pill left, so Tylers a little more silent. The other has taken a break, but till Mondayy :)
You tick, trigger, stir and just 'urghh:(' me. Unnecessary statement, stupid statement- URGHH. :(
My floppy brain has stalled, and I really should get to editing the pictures. Till then-
'Taa lovely.

Try, Trying. Trying.

My internet is highly cumbersome. Nevertheless, even after it got struck by a lightning bolt, it now resumes it's functionability and thus I am not writing from Tyler. Well at least not for this paragraph, the latter ones were products of my stubby fingers on his minuscule keypad.
It's been a pretty mundane week and school's starting tomorrow after the one week break which calls for eye bags, late nights and hopeful skipping to cloud up my already cloudy record.
.
In a grounded step-
There're consequences for everything, whether one likes them or not. The predictability of each consequence is uncertain each time. Good or bad, can either be something anticipated, dreaded or unknown. The three possibilities still get categorized under the simple word- consequence.
It's somewhat like paying a price because either one of the three options that takes place once a certain action is done requires an effort. Some things take less effort than others. Thinking takes more effort than analyzing, and hate requires much more complications than love. Pollution requires much more work to be put in to clean up as compared to something pure and clear.
Effort, never comes easy. Effort always requires work to be done, obstacles to be overcome and prices to be paid- consequences.
The scary part about consequences is the whole unpredictability of it. I tend to take things to extremes in the sense it's most of the time all or nothing. And right now, if speaking in terms of consequences- I can't exactly see my putting my foot down onto that certain road which leads to that path of consequences- that path of uncertainty, vulnerability and unpredictability.
At the same time, I can't deny the fact that I have messed with the pebbles on this other path here and there. Played with the small stones, engraved certain images in the soil and even grown certain flowers in the earth on that unpredictable obscure path. My legs have trodden on and off, my shoes have stepped and jumped off back and forth between these two paths.
One path which leads to a dead end. A dead end which is familiar, secured by grey firm walls which are straightforward with no swirls and patterns. Nevertheless they are solid, unchanging and direct- they have been built following the rules, guidelines and instructions without questioning, exploring or improvising.
The second path, I'm not sure leads to where. I can't tell if it ends or just continues going on and on into the horizon, yet doesn't exactly burn. It is curvy - wide and narrow, bumpy and smooth with handrails at certain areas. There are flowers, swirls and patterns which don't end at a certain somewhere. The patterns are abstracts and have no straight lines yet they turn out unexplainabley pretty, maybe because I don't like drawings which require the use of a ruler.
Right now, standing at the junction means I haven't made a particular choice, one certain decision on which road I want to walk on with my barefeet in my plain white dress. My plain white dress that could stay the way it is- plain, white, clean and the same on the first road. Or it could stand the chance of getting a little colour on it, torn a little and then end up a little differently shaped should I walk the second path. And here, in the end it ends up a different, new- but unpredictable of course, dress.
I guess till I decide which path I want for absolute sure, it's come down to surviving one day at a time as hard as it is, as much tedious effort as it requires- while attempting not to fall, stumble and get any hard to heal wounds.
"It isn't something that will ever go away completely. It's something that eventually you're able to cope with, deal with and handle day by day."
Even 'eventually' is hard to grasp now. And till it's worth considering, 'day by day' is the furthest I'm able to deal with. Second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, bite by bite, glance by glance, step by step.
*
Sunday, 22/03/2009.
They call Sunday the Sabbath, the day of rest. But I had a late night yesterday doing a Moral project for a teacher who I know would slit my guts out with a knife if murder didn't have consequences. I woke up in the morning later than I had set my alarm clock to. I somewhat let out a word beginning with the letter 'S' seeing we had to be at church early, but didn't finish it. It was Sunday and starting the morning with a word beginning with a letter 'S' would be alot more questionable today.
They say- third time lucky. Ironically, someone has once mentioned to me that bad things somehow always happen in states of three. Today, was subtley the latter. I'm referring to major threes. If you consider it meticulously, then I wouldn't be accurate though- my number three would then be increased by a fair bit. Murphy is somehow a distant relative, I swear.
The ear, throat and nose are all connected by a structure they call the face. Therefore, the silent sound I could hear while chewing my cereal was deafening. Crunch by crunch, I wished that was my stomach moving instead of my jaw.
White is always a pure colour. It's untouchable, as if imaginary and somewhat unreachable. To stretch out my hand to feel white would be almost as if to touch an angel in a cloud. Flowy, dreamy, white beauty. I wore white too, but my white was covered and a mere background with black drawings on top of it. Dirty, polluted and impure compared to the unending sea of white which somehow as if, left a trail of sparkle dust with every wisps it made.
Expect the unexpected- is the epitome of terrifying to me. Unexpected was not even close to the unprepared I felt when the familiar lines, structure, protruding frame met my eyes. A huge wave of mixed, scrambled, thorough concoction of thoughts, feelings and black and white guidelines flooded my surroundings for a millisecond before I realized how as much as it wavered me, it could not now- seeing that unread would have to be brought to a different level at that moment. A tangible level that would have to be hidden from an audience of nearly three hundred. I didn't fail a chemistry sentence, because I remembered that- 'two carbon atoms combine with four hydrogen atoms to form a polymer, called polyethemol which is also known as.. PLASTIC! :D' How I did not mess up my lines even after that confusing sight, was- 'truly fascinating'. :/
'I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let you go.'
A nine year old kid in this age, has a totally different level of thinking as compared to my time. Back then, it was taken as far as the level of designing clothes with glitter coloured pens in extra school exercise books. It's scary, terrifying and somewhat grotesque to see how other has evolved with time to a stage where thoughts about appearance gets verbally said although completely unnecessary. It's absurd, vile and in a word a nine year old would understand downright- stupid.
Already emotionally drained and mentally exhausted, I stood outside the cubicle not knowing what to say, knowing how that feeling felt, hoping that if I clicked my black silk flats this scenario would magically disappear and wanting to shed the flood of tears that was choking my trachea and flush them right down the toiletbowl.
I like the whole natural colour combination consisting of earth tones, red, brown, orange and yellow. On you, it looked stunning beautiful as if it were a live, painted picture. Long hair, toned arms, flat stomach and even longer legs. Almost, unreal. Yet beside me was a tangible being standing and clad in black, I felt like a burnt floppy muffin being put next to an icicle of unmeltable ice under the sun.
'Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.' If only in this case, it was as funny as how Dory the fish put it to be. I then remembered Dory was an animation, drawn with precise lines and she looked the exact way the producers wanted her to look. At that instant though, I could have pinched myself and I would have felt the pain instantly. That was what they called tangibility, or reality. Either way, it was scary.
*
On, and on, and on.
Round and round and round.
Shrink, Fade, Vanish.
It's trying, I'm trying. I think.
'Taa, Love.

Tyler refuses to rotate images so go figure.
'Taa lovely.

My Mundane Saturday,

,pretty much went like this.
-10, you can stop there. No, 11- due to circumstances, that makes it at least slightly better.
-Stupidstupid, stupid- icedmochawithlowfatmilk.
-I wore my contact lens and stood in front of a fan for too long today doodling aimlessly. My eye turned a bloody red which looked grotesque to me but thankfully after a few blinks, it returned to its normal colour.
-Speaking of eyes, a random conversation brought on the thought that distinctive eyes captivate me quite alot. Distinctive- whether small, big, doe, slit, coloured, dark. I really like distinctive, pretty eyes (: Daddy has nice eyes- they're light hazel brown.
-I came up with this theory while doodling also- that this me and excess silence relationship will result in my brain going haywire (not that it already isn't), I turn insane and then commit a horrendous crime like the miniature killer on CSI. Overthinking is stupid, it gives you weird scenarios to think about. Although I am absolutely serious, about this one.
-I needed a hug. But one now, would be nice too.
-I am dropping Justin Timberlake. And I absolutely adore, John Mayer (: They should bring him here, speaking of concerts- JoelLee went to see Coldplay and caught Chris Martins guitar pick. I've always thought catching something from a concert requires your head getting trampled on by a bunch of crazed fans. My theory was proven wrong- he's fine. And I miss him :/
-Melbourne art is so gorgeous. I miss Melbourne, and I'm pretty much really looking forward to going if everything works out. The breaking out of everything here and jumping into something new is a bittersweet thought because right now everything is pretty off balance as it is. At least my brains thinking, hmm?
-'The only way out is through everything she's running from.'
-I'm, so so jaded.
'Taa, love.

Mphh.

-That made you seem like such, a hypocrite.
So, screw.
And you, border on being extremely narcissistic. But I'll just put into mind that you are, only a little because you really are pretty dang awesome. Dangit :(
-I miss Sara and Kevin Loo.
-If Mummy and Daddy had me and Rachel Ho under the same roof, they would go berserk with the countless reassuring they would have to give us constantly.
-Ivan is gay.
-Unsniffable polystyrene flowers in the morning are good when your nose is blocked and you sound like a horse (:
-I am deaf on one side of my ear due to this horrendous flu I'm having and therefore I have been banned from the pool till it clears. My legs are killing me from lack of movement and everything around me looks that much smaller. It's pure torture but (repeatedly) I.Will.Be.Okay.Tomorrow.Morning. MustMustMust :)
-Mr. Mraz came, with his hat and smirk and everything else wonderful about him. And while he was singing serenading people in the stadium, I was stuck at home getting distracted by CSI, texts and the ever random question- 'I wonder if donkeys ever can turn gay.'
-TeckYan the tall one, constantly is mean to me by teasing me about my stagnant height. But as PauLing, Rachel and HuiYing agree with me- class just isn't the same without him. It's like it's alot brighter without the overshadowing one there :/
There- my (metaphorically speaking); throwing a tennis ball and seeing it bounce of your head. Urgh :(
Time to blood circulate my legs.
'Taa love.

Terrible, Two.

Two weeks.

To make it right. To do it well. To change it.
"It's your decision now, really. It's up to you."
Tedious, Troubled, Terrified, Tormented.
Normality having strayed so far away.
Mirrors; Reflecting, Refracting, Interfering, Distorting.
It's almost as if this slippery slope has been made more slippery with a detestful chunk of grotesque butte*, as if I need that right now.
But with familiar being way too close for comfort, silent glances emerging from what was put behind, firm orders; instructions having to be laid out when they were much more liberal two months back and more numbers having to be calculated, checked and controlled- I'm pretty determined to prove you wrong.
Exactly why, I'm not sure. I must admit the 'right' motives that should be in the tick box aren't exactly in place and being targeted for. Not just yet.Looking forward to it, does not even exist in my vocabulary right now. But this tangled string woven around me has suffocated till the point that death is nearby and it's time to twist and turn to at least find a little airhole.
Two weeks, to argue and produce a third person from two already existing common beings- the terrible two who have been bickering, contrasting and debating for the past two months.
Mmphh. :/