(and little end bit of the last post, continued)

Oh, and I nearly forget- there is prom talk with three of the most fun people in class usually consisting of PauLing making me laugh, my Starbucks barrister was cute and makes me a killer soy latte, Sandra burns peanut butter in the microwave which stinks up the whole house :), and I am on a caffeine high.
'Taa, love.
..
Random things of the day-
1 I saw a little Caucasian kid with the prettiest eyes, and gorgeous curls in her hair. I then decided that I very much (although it was as also very much a spur of the moment thing) want to make little Caucasian mixed babies if I ever muster up the courage to go preggers.
2 I think, I do want a tattoo.
3 I have a prom dress envisioned in my head. But pictures are somehow always prettier when not tangible.
4 I have, a long way more to go. In terms of thinking, analyzing and deciding. But time somehow also seems, so limited and deadlines seem to creep up more and more.
5 I cannot imagine planning my wedding now, but the thrill and joy of when I am able to sends nice chills down my back.
6 Hawaii, Koh Samui, Pangkor, Greece. Somewhere with the beach that I really, really miss.
7 I want to prance around in a summer dress with a flower in messy beach hair and sand between my toes in flip flops.
8 I kinda feel like drawing on my face with mascara and eye paint, ie eyeshadow, blending a smoothie in the red-pink colour range which means it will consist of berries and drawing an umbrella. The earlier requires a mirror so that might get moved down the list a big number of notches but the two latter, maybe. When it isn't in the middle of the night and when I get my hands on my Crayola twistable colour pencils :)
9 A random foreign dude smiled and started waving as I walked past a glass window. Somehow, foreign dudes bring YiLin to mind so she popped into my head the moment I saw him. For a few seconds, I just looked on (yes, foreign boys amuse me) and then it hit me that he was gesturing as such to me out of pure random wit. Me being as doofus as can be had just spent a few seconds staring blankly while mister foreign had been waving on. *slaps head* Lesson learnt- do not look at foreign boys and divert too much on YiLin that you completely zone out while they are waving, even if you have never seen them in your entire life. Instead, wave back, smile and savor their very amusing height.
They make Teck Yan Tall, look tiny. And considering the amount of 'shorty' statements that boy gives me- that is a good thing :)
-I don't know exactly why I am writing this down in Tyler, but maybe it is because I could mood swing in a mere second. And this feeling now whatever it is, is somewhat a serene calming and nice one. One that doesn't seem that bad for now, you know? :/
..
(+20 hours later),
Shi*.
Sometimes, I wonder if I speak too fast. When that wonder comes along, so does the one where- I wonder how long more and how much more of Bella I will have to bear, listen to, 'accommodate'.
I say- I don't want to do this anymore. But after, I'm NOT exactly sure how it will be if I don't. Don't push it- both ways.
I am so, scared. :c
(+2 hours after the initial 20 hours)
I feel, like shi*. Inside and out.
Ugly, useless, huge, wretched. This smile is beginning to look so plastic, beginning to get old, and I question more and more each time how much genuine happiness it really holds.
If I had a voodoo doll of myself, I'd stick many many pins into her. Repetitively.
What the heck, is wrong with me. Why did this have, does this have, to be so confusing :(
.
On a lighter note-
One) I was rolling about on my bed today,

and then I rolled off onto the floor -__-

Two) At one am in the morning while I stumbled across the sisters blog, I started laughing like a psychotic being because of her statement-
'How do you make Lady Gaga wakeup?'
'You poke-her-face.'
*Laugh laugh*- You have to say, that is very funny (:
G'night lovely.
Ex, more Ohhs.

Today, (dot)

I actually woke up on time today, I head my alarm ring and managed to respond instead of snoozing John Mayer's sexy voice like I do unconciously a lot of the time. I went downstairs and heard the sky rumble, heard the wind blowing and saw a cloudy morning sky. A few minutes later, it started to rain. And you know, how much I love rain in the morning on a good day. "I've got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a good night." Sure, it was morning but when life give you lemons- make lemonade. And I know, I'm not the most suitable spokesperson for a statement as such but this is a once in a bluemoon thing, maybe. I walk into school- on time which usually results in the prefects giving me a slip and asking me to pick up ten pieces of rubbish but today, they completely ignored me as I walked past them and saw XinHui while walking to class. "HOMG! :)" As I walk into class, I'm greeted with a "She's alive- three days in a row!" from Jack and I let Rachel know as surprised as she is to see me that I just hadd to go to school to see her. For NOO, absolute reason, of course *grinn* ;) YiLin tells me and PauLing her very fascinating elephant story with imitations of an elephants trunk and its trumpet sound (which is hilarious btw) and that cracks us up for abit. I manage to finish my Addmath by myself for once and pass it up on time :D There are, little bumps along the way. Like how a car ride in the morning turns into a roller coaster ride without me realising exactly how it got to be such a, 'thriller'. And the inferiority which hits hard and gets mixed up with being confused at the same time. Somehow though, today there is more than ten bucks in my blue dirty purse and because I really do, love you- staying in that confused state is just not an option because I know how truly happy and wonderful I feel about everything that is happening all of a sudden to you. Because, you are just such a wonderful person inside and out who deserves the best things. At the pool, a bunch of little kids stop outside the changing room where a fishpond has been built. There are little fishes inside a kind of murky aqueous space and one of them suddenly says- "Are we swimming in here, mummy?" :) The sun is sunny and I see one of my favourite daddy and son couple with their big body float for the little boy. I see mr.young but still a grandfather grandfather and his spunky grandaughter too. Mr. I am so wow I need to cause massive annoying waves and make Sarah want to kick me, is there doing his normal annoying whale like laps but I nearly kick him. (Haha, nearly -.-)
The sun is nearly setting, but I'm done already. It's nearly day end and I don't necessarily like what day it is tomorrow but somehow- I think, finally a middle rated day.
I come back home and I am now standing outside the study while mummy sits at her desk reading. I cannot go inside my room because the wireless connection is down and the mouse is taken away hence, Tyler is my next best thing. I should go shower now, and I am going too.
Mmph :)

:(, :/, :) (?) :l

I watched this show, called- The Number 23. And I have to say, it is one of thee best show I have watched in my seventeen years so far. It isn't Oscar, Grammy or Award Nominated- but to imagine, plan out and then direct a plot as such makes many respectable applauses go out to th director from me.
Its mind boggling, and somewhat sinister yet sentimental after feel got to me because as out of the world as it was, it was somehow to me so down to earth, relative.

"You weren't a bad person who became good- you were a sick person, who became well.
.
'I don't think I need you to understand how I feel when I say I feel fa*. I just need you to believe, how much I really feel that way.'
.
,this Genuine Reaction Of Self Scorn.
.
I do not hate you, how could I?
I have just become so numb, after what happened. So much so that I don't know when I will feel again, nor do I see as of right now how that is even possible.
I do not, not want to talk. I just don't know how to anymore.
.
When I say "Leave me alone.", it is very much like how an alcoholic might say- I do not need help.
Do not question how s/he is still able to say that, nor think s/he is insane because the reality of how strong that liquor empowers one when in that zoned out state could not be more genuine. Do not think even for a second, that they are playing around or making a scene just because they are a little tipsy, not sober- drunk.
They genuinely think, they do not need help. But stepping up to the base and asking for that help, receiving it and working towards a state of recovery is one of the hardest things they will ever have to do in their lives.
Asking for help, is always one of the hardest things one will have to do in life. And right now, I feel like living proof.
.
Growing bigger is so easily done, when dwindled small.
.
I am so, so happy for you.
You wonderful, wonderful person who deserves this little 'pretty'. (:
.
Happy Seventeenth Birthday, TanYiLin aka Slore- who is now depending on a metallic purple walking stick to get around due to a swollen ankle. Must be your karma for all the squeals you scream into my ear and attempts when you try to ram me into walls.
Lucky I have XinHui to back me up when you go insanely high. There wouldn't be a SAW without you, we'd just be AW. And that in itself sounds like- aww *insert sad face*
We love you (:
Love you muchmuch.
Quotes YiLin- "Damnn b*tch."
.
Wednesday, Thursday. Urgh :/
'Taa love.
Ohh- and homg, Peter Davis is Malaysian which means we're technically walking on the same ground. And if he googles his own name- this blog link might appear too.
Which is pretty cool (once you over analyze it) (:
*swoons* :)

Pieces.

Sometimes,

you just have to look a little closer,

to find something,

intricately,

intriguing..

Keehhtchen fan.
*HaPoooff*
And that, concludes part one of my procrastinated picture file which is slowing down the computer.
Toodle, (Sara I miss you) Loo.

Sun(hmph), day.

One. Two. Eventually, maybe.
Three. It hurts, not talking to you. But I don't know what to say anymore, so I just- don't. But I still love you, very much.Four. Coffee is going to kill my already dead brain, I swear.
Five. I got new sports shoes and goggles. Whee :)
Once again- Love, Tyler and Me.

Wel(:/)come.

"You could always make it a private blog, I guess."
I knew that before you said it and again, just like I had done before I wondered why sometimes I just didn't.
Wondered why I just didn't put a lock and shut who and what I wasn't comfortable, safe and secure with out so I could in a sense be more honest, direct, straightforward- black and white.
I thought about who I would allow in then, who I would want knowing and supporting and many names came into my mind. Many images of faces I loved appeared in my head whom I thought I would feel comfortable enough letting in but then, I stopped. I hesitated, feared and decided that I could and probably would not be able to take that step in sending out an invitation that would allow those faces inside. Doing that would mean I was taking a step forward in being see through, completely honest, vulnerable. It would mean that Bella would have more liberty in being what she was, saying what she wanted to say and in a sense present in a darker shade of black- Charcoal; dense and distinct.
Maybe, that's why this still remains a public site. Maybe this is why I speak in metaphors and don't put things in black and white but leave it in the middle; a shade of grey.
I recently read that this relationship I have with Bella is somewhat like an abusive marriage relationship in which one spouse undergoes, abuse. It is a relationship where there is no genuine happiness, satisfaction and absolute living. Because in a marital feud there will without a doubt be tension, disagreement, arguing and stress. Life becomes a mere task each day as the feud develops further but these two individuals still remain as one couple. They are still classified under one surname and are like a two in one package bought at the store. Not because there still is genuine love present- well not in most cases I should think, but because despite the unhappiness, pain and abuse, these two beings have made a commitment to each other. They have taken the other in, '..as long as you both, shall live.' Thus, it really just becomes an interaction, not a relationship due to a commitment made before when the times might have been different.
Maybe, that is why I hesitate each time the thought of making this blog private comes to mind. Maybe it is similar to that- the reason why even as often as th contemplation on whether or not I should lock and filter thoughts creeps up and I just nearly do it, I stop, think and don't. Because metaphorically speaking, being best friends with Bella is like an abusive marriage relationship.
When in a relationship as such, there is that aspect of sorrow, yet silence and secrecy the couple holds. The abuser would surely not want a soul to know of the treacherous wrong done to the other spouse while the abused would not be excited at all about an outsider knowing of the trials that is upon him/her- lets use a her in this case. Despite the abused feeling as such, there is also without much doubt of wanting the abuse to be explained, written out and understood- all without her having to explain, write out or attempt to make the outsider understand. I would think, she would want this understanding from someone other than herself because she cannot explain what is exactly happening in her abusive marriage so maybe someone on the outside could make more sense out of it.
Still, to all- abuse is not something that is easily shared, explained or made understandable. Because unless you have gone through it- it is just impossible to completely understand.
She will not come out in the open about it straight away, will not tell an outsider everything in detail as close a friend or relative that outsider is and she sure as you will breath after you read a few more words of this entry- cannot divorce her abuser, straight away.
It is not a matter of whether she wants to or not, it is the simple fact that running away from the problem will not make it go away, solve anything, or make.anything.easier. Just as how humans inevitably grow, that is how nature will take its course.
Yet, she wants to somehow be able to explain everything, without having to actually do anything because the dictionary defines abuse as this-
Abuse- To use something wrongfully, usually with harmful results.
and somewhere inside, she knows that that is not what life is about.
Putting a smile on her face, maybe a masquerade mask to cover a sore, mark or bruise she walks out the door and meets people in her daily life. She smiles, laughs and talks about other matters trying to push her abuse at home behind for just that while. But when she is alone, she wonders if they know. She cries, worries and wonders how long more of a double facade she will have to act out.
That, is why my contemplation never reaches further than in my mind. That is why I never get down to deciding to lock this blog. That is why I speak in metaphors.
Because, I know that giving Bella more freedom to run in that locked up space, will mean more energy burnt up through thoughts especially. Because I somehow, feel the need to explain and help one understand the reality, severity, and complexity of this abusive friendship- all without the ability to do it in black and white, at one go.
It takes time, tears and tedious toil- this whole process. I must say, I cannot get up and walk away from this abusive friendship just like that, nor do I admit being ready just yet to do that. As abusive, painful and confusing as it may be- that is what this commitment I have taken, means.
All the same, I must admit that I do not completely agree to the definition of this abuse. Well, maybe I am still trying to figure out what it exactly means to me.
That is why, (if you had enough patience to get through that whole thing above) you were able to read until this much. You were able to scroll down and not be limited with a request from Blogger that asks me to invite you in. Because this in a sense, is to an extent- my shade of grey. Grey, not exactly the most vibrant or dull of colours, but it is somewhere in the middle. It is what you get when you spin a rainbow coloured wheel and are in the midst of waiting for it to stop- stop and decided what colour exactly it wants to show.
I am still spinning, and not there yet. I am still, in my shade of grey.
"It will get better, okay?" I cannot fully comprehend what that means nor am I able to picture an image of such in my head. But those five words as complex and dumbfounding as they are right now, are probably the little rays of colour that sometimes are able to be seen while waiting for the wheel to stop spinning and change from that grey shade to that wheel of different colours. It is an unexplainable phenomenon, but I have yet to see a wheel that does not stop spinning- as torturously long as the ones I have seen spinning, are able to go on.

Owhh, Myy, Gawshh (:

1 On my list of things to purchase, are Starfish earrings and an anklet.
2 I was bored. And I got a text.
So based on this text, I googled- 'Look alike'.
Coming across this website, I decided to give it an out of the normal shot and now I don't know whether to be ticked, scared or just weirded out.
Youu- See :) No Ashley Tisdale.

MyHeritage:Celebrity Collage
Originally, I googled Nicole Ritchie in my ever bouncing thoughts of whether to chop the hair off to do this to my head-And I somehow, ended up with this (points above the Nicole Ritchie picture) Wow, talk about diversion.
I think I am balding too, by the way.
3 I just wasted a good one hour probably when I intended to just use the computer for fifteen minutes. *Toot :/*
'Taa lovely.

Post, exhaustion.

First off, I must say that the presence of the fork in such a promiscuous position (ie; pointing towards Blake Lively's gorgeous head) does not mean I have anything against her.
Secondly- Anderson had bore my persistence in never NOT editing a picture before uploading it *cough perfectionistic cough* but I decided to break my rule just this once by uploading an unedited snapshot. Mainly because, Tyler is in my hands and he does not come with a picture editor boohoo.
Thirdly, back to the fork issue- I lost a fork somewhere and now the Lee residence is one fork short.
Forthly, my knees creak and my back tingles when I bend it. Yet when I don't it starts to then feel like jello. Both body parts, weird.
Fifth, I have nothing to say really just that I thought adding a 'fifth' point would be seemingly right to end this number thing I have going. I could rant on pointlessly but I doubt I should for besides the fact that it is wasting all our time- I'll probably start to sound stupid soon. *gadoofball*
So, basically-
(go on bend your head)
It's a feeling, definitely not a bad one yet one too confusing to describe- when an article such as this one is read while downing calories in the morning. Otherwise known as, breakfast.
I also am officially the shortest member in my family now *cries* :( but on the more positive (hurhh) side of it, I quote Mr. Pretty- "Remember, you can fit through doors more easily :)"
And, theyoungersistersreallylookinglikeastunner. *Older sister gush*
'Taa lovely. From Tyler and Me- :) *Waves*

Crude as it is, they say-

"Shit happens".
.
I feel huuge. I want to cry but I'm too tired to even start tearing. I don't even know what I like anymore. I wish we were talking, but I don't know how to start and what to talk about. I feel so, guilty, treacherous, wretched. I wish I wasn't here, but I don't exactly know where else I would rather be. I know I love you, I just don't know how to show it anymore. I don't know how, but she always does it better. You always, do it better. I wish I could wind back time and correct where I went wrong, but I don't know where I'd stop to erase the mistakes. I know something is wrong, I just don't know what. I wonder what I portray, and if the fraud which covers a messy beneath is visible. A messy beneath that is grotesque, mean, an irritant, cumbersome, loatheworthy- ugly. I auto rewind then replay even if I try to fast forward. The credits then come out as guilty, dirty on a white surface and miss out of place- failure. I don't actually dislike skinny legged people, it's really envy. I'm not letting myself get that far as tempting as it seems even until it reaches borderline uncontrollable at times, because where it got me the last time is too scary and tiring to relive all over again. And I'm sorry I'm messed up and automatically you're all tangled up in it. I wish, you would just give up sometimes. Because these past months, I don't know if this futile trying means, I can't?
.
You're like my own personal boogeyman. And noone, likes the boogeyman. Thing about it is, he's also just too scary for some to stand up too.
So despite the hate, loathe and scorn one has towards him- he somehow manages to just stick around to haunt, torture and destroy.
.
"Are you willing to use all your weapons?"
I wish I could stand up firm to that, put my head up straight and say a firm sure- YES.
But in further thought, I realize I'm not sure exactly what weapons I have to use. The ones I can think of, the ones I am really blessed to have in this battle though, I cannot use. Because it's like using an emperors sword which has been put in a glass case only for the righteous warriors to use. This amazing weapon in display, but I have brought myself down to a level where my filthy hands should not contaminate- just stand by the sidelines and untangibly admire in awe.
.
What a weekend.
Let's hope, next week gets better.
'Taa love.

Just, Jist.

The weather has been crazy lately, it's sunny one minute and then I hear thunder the next.

The unpredictability of it all has kind of gotten me on my tippy toes thus the need to raise my heart rate in order to get (the hormone that calms you down) going.
On the plus side, this erratic weather has brought pretty to my garden. Well, pretty while it lasts. There's this huge tree with white flowers and due to this autumn-esque season now, the flowers are falling all over my ground so it somewhat looks like velvety snow.
Then, we walk around in the garden, the cars pull in and out and they end up soft, mushy and brown. Boo, I even nearly slip on the slippery petals.
.
Have I mentioned, that I have this phobia that I am going to break a body part accidentally one day and be bed ridden for who knows how long? :( That's like putting a dog in the washing machine and spinning it round and round.
.
Not knowing what I'm feeling confused about, somehow hurts more than knowing what I'm confused about and being in, confusion. Because the earlier, has two parts of uncertainty to deal with, the earlier just has one. I think, I am tired. So, mentally exhausted. Tiptoe-ing nearer somehow causes a further pullback and withdrawal. Unintended, yet it seems the only possible way to go. My head feels so heavy, yet knowing it is completely empty and filled with pure trash stinks.
.
I wish people thought more carefully before saying certain things.
When it comes to bringing a certain memory up after trying so hard to suppress it for a fair bit already. I sometimes wonder, what it is I miss about you and why and what exactly it is I think about when you come into mind. So, often. When it comes to talking about issues that have to deal with everything that has to, and can be related to that certain genre.
And on my part, I wish I had thought more carefully before getting involved. Involved with you, and having taken too fast a chance with vulnerability maybe.
And involved with you, deceptive, confusing and strong- you. Who hides so much more than what you portray on your seemingly straight forward surface.
It's weird though, how shutting up brings up so much more noise than talking it out may silence.
Thing is, I feel I have completely lost my ability to relate, communicate and relationalise.
.
"Take care of Dad, yeah?"
She's lucky, ko. No explanation needed, maybe because I don't know how to give a proper, perfect one. And you know how I hate imperfection so much so that I rather have all or nothing. So, she just is.
'I wish, on my life that I could.' Problem is, I don't even know how to take care of myself right now- let alone anyone else.
.
I have (insert large number) of picture on Caspian that should be edited and uploaded but my horrific exam results prohibit me from doing so. That can't be considered as procrastination now, can it? (:
But to add a little something, because Rachel and me had this talk today and listed down (insert big number) of hunks today- I have narrowed down my list yet again, and because I think he's pretty dreamy-Don't we just love guys in suits.
*swoons*
.
'The reason I snooze my alarm clock in the morning, is because John Mayer isn't annoying enough to wake me up.'
There, my excuse (:
'Taa Lovely.

Blurred, Clarity.

'I worry
I weigh three times my body
I worry
I throw my fear around.
But this morning
There's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain.'
.

'And I will wait to find,
If this will last forever.'
Waiting, is never really all that fun though, is it?

Shhh.

My head is throbbing, everything is spinning and I am so terrified.
My hands are aching, they keep on growing and out of my shirt seams they're bursting.
Oh no that's not jello- it's my tummy.
Penguins waddle, and my legs wobble. Like the blubber on the big white creature which lives under the ice.
My neck is aching, my back creaking, cracking.
My throat is coarse and I feel like I just ate a horse.
Shut, up ):
I don't know how I've sunk down this far nor do I know why. I do know, that I'm unsure of how much more of this I can handle, pull through, masquerade.
There's this little bit of what I think, is Hope left. For what, for whom and how it is there- I do not know.
But with this Hope, comes an unexplainable longing for Faith, and that although I know bizarrely impossible right now, requires a little self Grace.
Self induced; Someone has got to be the dirty black sheep.
My chest is congested, hurting and my head is throbbing. I think I am exhausted but that doesn't feel deserved. I kind of just want to, pass out :/
.
I clean up pretty well, I fake and fraud a faux masquerade pretty convincingly. Because, underneath all this that seems alright- I'm actually downright, so screwed, messed and literally, 'f'-ed up.
I am, a liar.
I'm scared for myself because I know I could never do it by myself even before, but then you were at least there for that determination to not screw things up. You were there because I couldn't and cannot love myself, so I did it for you instead. I cannot seem to look pass that particular trauma, hurt and accidental incident. I cannot seem to let it go as hard and as much as I have been trying. Hence, I cannot do anything anymore. The willpower, determination and tiny push is gone. All in the blink of an eye.
Play, pause, stop. Rewind, replay. Delete, delete. 'Unable to delete file.'
It hurts the most because I love you so uncontrollably much. The thought of how I am scared and sometimes wished I didn't- so maybe it wouldn't be as painful is excruciatingly piercing. Because I just cannot, stop loving.
I try distancing, and although it feels like sticking a jagged splinter into a salt drenched wound- it somehow seems less scary as trying to amend the wrong I have done. Maybe, because running away is the less brave thing to do.
Seeing you with her, with him makes me angry yet unexplainably happy for you. Because I cannot be like them- sane, yet the fact that you have at least two good products is comforting.
.

Hurting, helps the hurt. So much, I just want to- finally break.
.
"What's the point of having a blog?"
'To say things without, saying things.'
.

You Are 45% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal, Other things you do are downright strange. You've got a little of your freak going on, But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?
,
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little-
unwell.

Nottoogood.

I don't like using laptops, because my fingers don't control the touchpad very well.
My internet connection is down though so I have resorted to using Daddy's laptop for a teensy quick update.
-I lost my voice this week, that's the most interesting thing that has happened because it's a first in my life. I sound like a toad and I squeaked when I laughed in the beginning but now I just sound, nasal.
-YiLin never ceases to amuse me. She whacks me on my leg and then goes- "I felt someone poking you." -_______-
Sighh, Slore (:
-I got National Service. Where they give you horrendous costumes to wear- blue and orange.
I sent a text message in to find out if I got selected and they replied me in Malay with a- 'Congratulations! You (Insert my name) have been selected for National Service (some weird serial number)'
How in the world, do they say 'Congratulations!' when they bombard one with such a horrific catastrophe? *huffpuff* -___-
-The brother is back (:He went to watch Transformers with his girl.
Sarah: Koo, I know why you wanna watch Transformers. Cause'f Megan Fox huhuh? :)
JoelLee: Why would I want to watch Megan Fox when I've got Gayle Yeoh? :)
*Stunned, Smile*
Now, what do you say to that? :)
-I am so, sick of all the waterworks.
Till the desktop works and I get Tyler connected for updates-
'Taa Lovely.