sarah and nothing less.

Grace.

2012-01-25T22:06:00.000-08:00

i realized that there isn't a definite answer if i were to ask you if i should follow my heart, or use my head. There isn't a right or wrong as to which would be the right or wrong thing to do. & that sucks because once we're in that scenario? It means i have to make a decision between those two. & making a decision is always the harder thing to do.

i realized how easy it is for people to speculate, because i honestly think i'm guilty of doing that too. i realized how natural it is for human instinct to take over & make us do things we really should be patient to act upon, & make us jump to conclusions, & make us feel a certain way although it isn't exactly that certain way things are. In that same way- it's easy as pie for us to look at a scene & assume automatically. Write out our own version of someone else's story in our heads. When it comes down to the actor/actress then deciding which role he/she should take up though- it's alot harder than that.
,
Do you take up the role in the chic flick where everything ends up nice & peachy, because all your co-actors & actresses surrounding are major stars as it is already? They seem flawless, & good, & have won all the major movie titles you could ever think of even before hitting 25. The ending is cliché, but it is not unfamiliar & who doesn't exactly like happy endings.

Or do you take a risk- & take up the role in the thriller with the script that has somehow captured your heart. Where your co-actor is a new talent with great potential, yet not many have heard & know of him just yet. Which is what makes it all the more slippery to step into because it could lead to something beyond both of your imaginations, yet could also end up a disappointment to the crowds if it does not meet up to their high expectations.

,

Follow your heart. Use your head. Follow your heart, but use your head. Use your head, but follow your heart.

A consolation though- is that either role you choose, your profession for the time being until something changes drastically, is still going to be an actress. Either role you decide to pick, your Director who's got you on His contract & you trust with to ensure you don't end up out of a job- He's promised you to always keep you on His list with the profession of; actress.

& personally, that being an actress to me is something quite special.
,
"–because I was just going to go home after school and write a song about it."

–Taylor Swift.

Faith.

2012-01-25T21:40:00.000-08:00

"It seemed noone was there, & all the people who i thought i could trust and expected to be there for me were gone all of a sudden. So i started to cry out to Him because i really didn't know who else to turn to & i didn't know if He would even answer because when you start to cry alone, you have to wonder who really are you crying out to? But when i thought there was noone left to run to & it felt like everybody had left- He told me He never did & that He never will."
.
“I love conversations with kids in the meet and greet lines—little people with little voices! I love babies. Someday I would love to be a parent, but I want that time to come when I’ve experienced so much of the world. My life will be devoted to making that child’s life as wonderful, beautiful, magical and perfect as it can possibly be. I want to wait until there is no ounce of me left that has anything self-centered to experience.”

–Taylor Swift.

Hope.

2012-01-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

You know what i think.

i'll tell you what i think, straight away being completely human- yeah?

There are days that i think fairytales are complete bullshit.

Days like these where i think that if fairytales don't exist in real life- then why even bother to create them, tell them to kids and ignite a false hope in someone.

Days like these where i feel extremely naíve for the times when i have put Taylor Swift on my ipod and let her make me feel abit better, extremely angry for having allowed myself to even start to believe that, you know- happy is good because it feels right to be happy.

Days like these where i look at all the times i have smiled and laughed and let my feet feel like they have started to float- and i think, what an idiot i was to even begin to hope when in this damn world, it's inevitable that happiness never lasts forever. "So why even bother to begin to hope- you stupid, stupid girl."

Days like these when in all human honesty? i want to just close my eyes and fall into a sleep never to wakeup again.

But then on days unlike these? Days that i feel abit better and it doesn't seem that rain clouds> drizzle> rain>

thunderstorms, all without an umbrella?

i know that the reason all the above still very much have their capability to appeal to me & make me feel so much better? Is because of what hope is. & if hope somehow wasn't inevitably imbedded deep inside each of us even when we don't think it is?

Very frankly speaking- we might as well all be, dead.

"back then i saw this girl and thought,

2012-01-19T23:05:00.000-08:00

i like breadcrusts.
i like movies that twist with your mind over chick flicks.
i like cold coffee. Not, iced coffee? but i don't mind coffee even though it's turned cold after a few hours.
i feel comfortable fading into crowds.
i like the feeling of being able to see almost everything, yet not feel physically present at any part of the scene. Something like, being a ghost? i like that.
i eat really slow & funny & i'm really, pretty picky.

i make stories in my head about things i don't know are humanly possible & sometimes think that when in open spaces my mind draws sub-consciously on the open spaces around me.
Putting makeup on is major brain exercise for me & i get tired right after. Which is, ironic. Because getting dolled up should get me pumped to head out, right?
i like pastel colours because it's very much associated to things like dreams and somewhat slowly disappearing into a mist, & i like bubbles because they float away, eventually popping after having been beautifully iridescent. It makes you wonder where all the colour kind of goes once the bubble is gone.
i still sometimes imagine i have mermaid fins while swimming in the pool, even if i am nineteen years old.

& right now, i feel like a stone in a pile of sticks.
,
–like. she's so, so happy."

responsi,ble(ak).

2012-01-17T18:07:00.000-08:00

So much to say, so different people, not sure where to start.
.

.

"–you just don't want to have to wake up one day and look in the mirror and not recognize yourself anymore."

-Andrew Paul.

#NewYearResolution

2012-01-03T02:28:00.000-08:00

Days like these?
Being back home, feels like sh*t.
,
–Learn to 'fuggin drive.
.

*
i don't want to grow up.
i don't want to be responsible & i don't want to make right decisions because they are always the harder ones to make.
i don't want to listen to you even if what you are telling me is what is the wisest thing to do right now & will bring more benefit in the future. i don't want to listen because it hurts me not being able to do what i want right now.
i want to throw tantrums, bang doors, shout and swear, & cry. i want to make a fuss and stomp my feet so that maybe then i will get things done my way.
i want to show you i am angry, i want you to know at times that i am not happy so that maybe when you see me that way? you will try to make me feel better and the anger and hurt will go away and i will be alright again.
i want to show you i am angry, not because i actually am but because i don't know exactly how to tell you that i am scared, & hurt, & afraid & not sure who else to go to at all. i don't know exactly how to tell you that although i am 19, some days i still very much need you to be here like when i was 9.
So some days, it feels like if i don't show you that i am angry– then you will never know that i actually really want you to be here more than anything else, & i just don't know how to ask. It feels like you will eventually forget me, like it sometimes seems so many people have.

Some days it feels easier to hurt this way.
,
–Patience.
–Happy posts. Yup, definitely that too. Happy posts.
.

& the truth,

2011-12-29T19:48:00.000-08:00

"yeah, but i think she's always felt like that anyway la. i mean, i think in every family there's always that one person that kind of person that feels a bit out of place."

–DK.

.
–will set you free.
x

fit.

2011-12-28T05:09:00.000-08:00

The house is really quiet, because everyone is out.
i can hear a cricket literally, because it's night time & that's when they come out to sing to people sitting alone & listening to the silence.
Thing is? Being a lone ranger in the middle of this cold marbled floor house knowing that out there are many other busy souls, yet being completely distant from them at this time? Is something that i think i am completely fine with. But it also leaves me to wonder, if feeling that–

really makes me very wrong?
.
x

vodka,

2011-12-27T18:16:00.000-08:00

The month says December, & the date says 28th.
i'm sitting here kneeling down on my knees & resting on my bed thinking, how did the year past by so fast, & how did i get here now.
i don't know if it's just me? But 2o11 seemed to be quite a trying one for alot of people & as horrible as it is to say this– it's somewhat nice to know i wasn't the only one who felt that way.
i'm sorry for saying that, but that's how it feels some times.
Body ache, Brain thinking & almost Beyond jaded– i sit here & won't lie, admit that there have been nights i want to go to bed & not wakeup the next morning. My face is stiff as i fall asleep with tears dried on my face and i feel a little bit like a corpse all cold, clammy, and frozen.
i look at Mum & Dad, & think they can't really have been around this long and still be sane. Because 19 years for me already often feels like a lifetime & there are days that i swear i will go into complete meltdown if anything else gets thrown onto my shoulders. So really– they are more than twice times my age, and they still think (reasonably) rationally?
All in all though, i conclude that it's really, quite miraculous this thing that we're all given. This thing called life which pulls you into all different directions at one same time. Which can be a complete as*hole on somedays, & a complete beauty the next.
This thing called life i don't think i'm really ever going to get for as long as i keep living. Oh irony, you gotta love it.
.
"–you just down it only."

back to December,

2011-12-25T05:09:00.000-08:00

after all i've done, you still talk to me & that's just another reminder of His grace.
Friends like you are like Taylor Swift– sparkly.
So today i thank Him for you–
,

all the time.

our,

2011-12-19T20:43:00.000-08:00

You remember when you promised me we'll be okay?

i still believe you, & i trust that we will.

-next chapter.

–so sour candy.

2011-12-14T05:34:00.000-08:00

*today, i sat in a stadium filled with alot of people as i watched my older brother graduate from his masters. i was really proud of him. & i didn't care when i screamed and squeaked as he went onto the stage to receive his award.

*today, i heard my younger sister talk about her many plans for the day tomorrow and smiled because she sounded like a mini successful business woman already, with her schedule running with events consecutively, one after the other.
*today, i cried in the car when it came to being fussy over food & stood in the middle of a crowded tram & realized i didn't exactly know where i was going when i couldn't see out the windows because it was shadowed by the many bodies of people in pretty coats.

,
Some days i'm sorry to be?
Ohh–
,
x

in this game of tug of war,

2011-12-13T20:27:00.000-08:00

When you have to make a decision between two people you love?
how exactly, do you do that. *:'/
& how exactly did i let myself fall into this position where either way i have to bear such a painful consequence.
how come it feels like i have to be the strong one to decide, between the two men in my life who i should be able to feel safe with.
,

–my role play is the rope.

maann.

2011-12-10T04:25:00.000-08:00

Tonight? i conclude that males can be very complicated.

Full stop.
& so tonight?
–i'm going to make life simple for myself, go onto tumblr & look at pretty images till i fall asleep.
Also, i am going to stick a post-it to my forehead which reminds me to (for tonight)? think like Lynne.
,
Damnit.
i really miss my girls.

x.

pea-ple.

2011-12-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

while showering, i was thinking.

& i realized the plural of you? is– You.

& so when i think about it, it really is quite special how there are a million different you out there yet so often a time in my head there are a particular few, you that pop in when i least expect it.

Some i hardly talk to now or even then, or some i barely know.

But i think? that every you that has dropped in somehow along the way even if for just a second– yet somehow still resonate in my head? That's just so special & i know He's put you in my timeline as a blessing beyond anything i could ever comprehend.

So you? Thank You, for being one you out of the many you i know.

yesterday, i closed the room door & tried to cover Taylor's, You belong with me.

it was bad & i realized after– how i squeak when trying to sing too high & how my finger reflex when shifting guitar keys is turtle slow.

But i also thought, that it somehow ties in to what i just wrote.

me thinks. You, thinks?
.
x

-spoil it all,

2011-12-07T06:12:00.001-08:00

Would you tell me, if i'm being stupid?

thing.

2011-12-05T05:54:00.000-08:00

i am not a punching bag.
i am not a human i myself particularly like to look at & so i don't expect you to like it either, but i know i am also not– a punching bag.
x

d(i)e(ar),

2011-12-03T06:35:00.000-08:00

It feels it has been a long while that this constant feeling of not feeling anything puts me to sleep at night.
i do not like it at all, not even one bit.
it hurts, it really hurts.
Not only me, but sometimes i think it might hurt you too?
& that bit of wondering if maybe, your heart might not be at peace as well? it breaks me even more.
So at times i think, i might want you to tell me already–
that it is enough.
,
x

every, thing.

2011-12-01T05:29:00.000-08:00

She tells me it is more than enough, and she tells me it never is enough.
She tells me to stop, and she tells me that stopping is not an option because i've not gone far enough.
On some days i wish, i could tell her something too. Anything, at all.
But, i am too scared to stand up to her. i'm too scared and she tells me that whatever it is– i do not open my mouth.

,
All take, and no give.
So afraid to ask you to let me receive.
So many questions i want to ask, which i go to bed without an answer too. Because asking is risky, and scary, and i do not want to upset by pushing too hard.
So with no answers, all i have is ideas in my head to fill the empty spaces. Ideas that i have to come up with alone, because i can't seem to get you to share yours with me even when i ask.
If i can't get any of your opinions, i guess then eventually i have to settle with all of my own, right?
It is so very lonely, having to dream with only your own ideas in your head. But right now when i wander into my bed at night and embrace my character, the most i can do is pray with all my heart that eventually you will eventually start to step into the picture and play your role in my dream too.
i know it is something i do not want to ever, get used to. This, one role staring in a dream.

,
Goodnight.
x

righthererightnow.

2011-11-27T23:47:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, before leaving for church i sat in my brown leather chair waiting for JoelLee because he wokeup late.
i sat and poked at my banana bread contemplating each next bite & whether i should or should not take a next one.
i sat and Angus & Julia Stone was playing a pretty eerie song because.. well they sound eerie i think. But they're what alot of people listen to & so knowing that, i had downloaded a couple of songs and had them on playback to hear for myself. Not bad, definitely– just a tad eerie.
i sat and had mascara lining my lashes after trying very hard not to poke myself in the eye while applying it, & smelt like DKNY from my tiny apple bottle.
i sat, and waited until the time was right to leave the house & realized that the whole time i was waiting? i was also unconsciously holding my breath before eventually being exposed to the world the moment i put my first step onto the pavement outside.
,
Right now, i'm on my bed sitting crossed legged and muffled in the middle of my blanket because i don't have anywhere in particular to rush of to, or anyone i have in mind that i can actually meet.
i'm on my bed with the toothpaste feel on my teeth because i brush my teeth everytime after i shower and thinking i'd like it if the mint aftertaste automatically was released in my mouth after a meal.
The Icarus Account's– My Favourite Girl just came on playback & it doesn't sound eerie, it actually does the reverse and makes me feel kind of light headed.
i'm sitting with nerd glasses in my baggy t-shirt and smelling like vanilla because that's my after shower smell that is also what my blanket mildly smells like & what puts me to sleep at night when my brain runs wild.
i'm sitting and i'm, comfortable knowing that there isn't anywhere anything or anyone i have to brace myself to face. i'm sitting here and i'm, not exactly waiting for anything in particular.
,
& so yesterday? i had my hair brushed and pinned up somewhat neatly, my lashes done up, my lace top on pulled properly over me.
Yet, i don't think i would trade that for being here right now– with my hair in knots from the swinging up and down of my head in attempt to dry it after stepping out of the shower, with geek glasses put on instead of contacts which really can be such a pain to wear, with my over sized comfy tee sitting cross legged and not having to care about being appropriate.
i would not trade all that proper, for this peace.
.
*:]

x

elephant sitting-

2011-11-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

Wearing a pretty dress, doesn't guarantee you will feel pretty.
Having alot of people around you, is sometimes the time that you will feel the most lonely.
Wearing heels hurts really noone other than yourself. But then when the heels are what your feet sit on, you almost always feel the need to keep on smiling like it doesn't bother you as much as it might.
& that is one of the thing i find the hardest when it comes to being a girl.
,
-in a bird's nest.

cycle.

2011-11-19T02:08:00.000-08:00

You know what's funny?

We only really know who the ones we can trust are when we are in need of help. Yet, we're afraid to ask for help because we worry that people will break our trust. And the people we trust, the people we know we can depend on and rely on? Those are the people who are often the reason why, we feel we need help.

Because people who don't matter as much to us aren't the ones that are capable of affecting us as much when they break our trust. It's only the ones that matter, that can leave us feeling hurt. It's only the ones that matter that can break our trust and therefore the ones that matter will be the ones to hurt us.

But then that inevitably also means that it is the ones that we trust that we are afraid to ask for help from. And i wonder– if logically, it doesn't make much sense to be afraid of people we trust and know won't ever want to hurt us on purpose, then how are we still able to be extremely terrified of them as well?

Human beings, can really sometimes be quite extreme nutcases.
i often think, *:/

5.

2011-11-18T03:51:00.001-08:00

i don't know what to say.
i never thought we'd get here.
i think i'm so confused that i can barely feel anything at all.
But i need you to know that i am so sorry.
& that despite whatever, i promise to always love you.
x.

as my feet meet the floor.

2011-11-12T14:19:00.000-08:00

i'm so very tired of stretching out my hand. Or at least that is what it feels like i am doing but i could be wrong.
i wish so often that you would be brave enough to stretch back. Because i feel you want to, you're just a little apprehensive of not being met with a grasp back.
i pinky promised you, remember? Our secrets all sealed in our own little world. & i believe very strongly that pinky promises are one of the strongest ones there are.
i still cry for you, although i know it isn't necessary too. But i do because i want to and also i guess because i still can?
Alot of the time i wakeup or go to bed wondering how much longer i can keep doing this thing i keep doing, whatever it really is. And in all honesty, some days i wish i would wakeup and forget i once cared at all– because it is really a heart heavy thing to continue to persist on doing.
But i also wakeup and pray that i continue to have enough strength to keep pursuing, because of what i feel you still want to do. i go to bed and hope that the next morning i wakeup refreshed and knowing that love>weariness & disappointment, & i switch Leahh on and begin to type words out to send.
i pray that God willing, what i am doing is not futile and that if it is– He slowly kills my drive as gently as possible as it would so you won't feel a thing.
i pray i draw enough courage and love from Him to give to you, so that at the end of it all? You will know how special you are to me and how much i love you.
And the only reason i often feel i can continue, is because He wants me to let you know how much He loves you too.
,
'Good morning, sweetheart.'

with disgrace, i say–

2011-11-06T20:11:00.000-08:00

because this is somewhere where i have made an oath not to lie at,
because this is a place where i have decided to let be my outlet because people sometimes cannot be relied on,
because this is really how i feel right now?
i will say this very honestly.

–sometimes, the thought of being around people makes me sick to the stomach.
x

and, repeat.

2011-11-02T01:43:00.001-07:00

Wednesday evening.
Sometimes. With the amount of times the same scenario keeps happening although with different people yet always, the people closest and who you don't expect? i think to myself that i should be used to this already.

It's either i haven't gotten used to it even after i think what started distinctly when i was eight years old? Or i need to start being less overly sensitive. Because my heart has been alternating between feeling very heavy and a little bit light, for so what feels to be so long now.

and i wish it would just stay either heavy or light instead of alternating back and forth.
i know things are never always perfect and i know that somedays i loathe hate and despise that with all my heart.
,
i thank You that although people leave, disappoint, hurt– as i so often may do as well, i thank You that You never do.
i thank You that despite the pain in the night, You bring joy in the morning, and i pray that for today and for until You decide my time is up? that Your grace would be enough.
and so here we go again.
Thursday, morning.
,
x

why, Grace?

2011-11-01T00:22:00.000-07:00

Five years ago, i was crying in my room with my bed lamp on and Mummy came in and held me really close. But despite that, i cried even more and my heart hurt very much.

Five years ago, Daddy was cooking in the kitchen and i cried as well. i cried and it had nothing to do with him chopping up onions.
,
Two Christmas's ago, i began to learn what it is to really love someone. i learnt that love inevitably comes with hurt but if it didn't? Love wouldn't be as beautiful as it is.
It's Christmas in a month, and i am torn between being so excited for it to come and being terrified for not knowing at all what it will bring as well.
,
Two years ago, i told myself that
"–one day i want to run on the beach with my dog named either Dawn or Dusk.."
And today?
Today it is two years from that day and i am sitting with my pink socks bought from back home, letting the natural air conditioning evaporate my smelly sweat as i sit from my apartment balcony which i actually have my own keys to, as Daddy who has just arrived this morning to visit is jumping up and down cleaning the glass windows (because as tall as he is– he can't reach the higher parts of it), replying a whatsapp message five days after the date of the twenty fifth of last month has passed, opening the same blog page as i did two years ago in Melbourne a country seven hours from home, and saying that–
"the only thing better than running? is running and being able to end up running to the beach."
,

Who would have thought.
and really it's somewhat scary yet wonderfully comforting at the same time to know that the only way possible? is only by His grace.
Only– by His grace.
,
-just, because.
x

we are victims of love.

2011-10-31T07:04:00.000-07:00

i'm glad that it is the end of the day, but for a different reason than for why i was glad it was the end of the day this afternoon.

It was hard and rough, and quiet. It was one of those days that you wish the people who you want to be there for you, the people who have told you will be there for you? They all seem to go missing and as much as you know- that sometimes you need to be the one to cry out for help? You just cannot. & it's grace that you need to pull you up because on days like these you are too weak to stand up yourself.

And so that is why this afternoon, i was looking forward to the day being over because it was one of those days.

But now i'm glad that it is the end of the day because if it wasn't? If it didn't eventually come?

i would not have realized that as much as i sometimes do want those certain people to be there, as much as i realize sometimes i subconsciously expect them to be? i also need to never overlook the fact and appreciate how when and if they can't be, the beauty of how other people fall into their place unexpectedly is something i should never overlook.

Because we're all in either of those positions one day or another, yeah? And if so, then really who am i to say and expect what i ideally expect to happen as much as i sometimes wish would really happen.

With all my heart though- i apologize in advance, if i ever hurt.

You, or me.

"

2011-10-29T05:32:00.000-07:00

Please–
don't say things you don't mean,
don't talk to me only when you miss me,
don't promise me promises unless you are sure you can live up to them,
don't send me smiley faces when your day is warm and sunny then act like an icicle and withdraw completely when it isn't,
don't talk too much when you don't know what you're talking about,
don't use false words when texting and take advantage of the fact that your phone will not auto correct,
know that i still love despite all of the above.

–Thank You."

the foetus position.

2011-10-25T16:47:00.000-07:00

There's a little girl, sitting down, eating chocolate ice-cream, and she's smiling.
She, passes that little girl. Mocha in hand with all the ulterior motives behind the chocolate contained in that warm coffee cup. She smiles too but with a cold chill running down her invisible spine, because the caffeine that contaminates her blood no longer allows her body to be pure.
And she says a prayer she knows will probably never come true. She says it anyway and that is for that little girl eating chocolate ice-cream, to never grow up.
,
It is 6pm and the day is nearly coming to an end.
She crosses the train tracks, her white canvas shoes with worn our soles across the rough rocks.
Across and onto the other side where grey tiles then pad her landing, just as a train bell whips wind across her back.
and she doesn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed with the fact that, she is spared for yet another day.
,
They tell her on the sleek black television that it's summer soon and this is the tan you're supposed to be. But minutes later, there are snow skinned girls in winter wear dancing immaculately across her white pixel screen.
Reluctantly, she then steps into the bathroom greeted slyly by a reflective glass and she stares straight through. It feels like an additional weight has been attached to her feet now. Because just this morning, there had already been one placed as she didn't know what to do with her hair.
,
Tired, so tired– with aching feet, strained back and hollow eyes, she sinks into the chair.
She hugs her feet as close to her body as she possibly can and wraps herself up in a fleece blanket almost as if to hide from the silence that fills her room.
Another day down, as she breathes in a sigh of relief.
and it is in His silence here that she finds herself, on her knees again.
.

it feels?

2011-10-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

it feels like i am being selfish.
and being demanding.
and being difficult.
and i wish i could shake it off and not let it affect me as it does, and the way it does.
but it really also feels?

–it feels like it is all take, and no give.
,
and so i go on extremely tired on certain days, more than others–

i go to bed with a braid in my hair and a flower drawn on my bedsheet with black marker pen because i accidentally slept with my marker pen open one night and the ink ran through my pillowcase. i didn't like the blotch and so i turned it into a flower. Hoping that at least my twisted thoughts get lost in those twists, and that the flower i drew is sweet enough to give me energy to do it again the next day.
Rest well, sweetheart.
Love, always.

little toy soldiers,

2011-10-17T00:03:00.000-07:00

–seem to be preventing me from telling you lately how i feel that
,
& so i guess i keep it to myself until i can stand up to these little men in suits. They seem to have now started to block me from you in a very big way.
it isn't a nice feeling alot of the time, It's a whole lot strange and i wonder if a bit more normal will eventually ever come.
& on bad bad days, it is sadness the size of an elephant.
sigh, *:/
i do miss you though.
o, foreverandalways.

#

2011-10-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

00:38:20
,
i'm too tired to start to count eventhough i know i have very literally, tried to before.
but some days, i still don't think we're at 500 just yet?

barcode.

2011-10-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

Things don't stay new forever and we humans tend to neglect and forget about them the moment newer things come up in life.
i told you.
Remember how, it was when i finally took the courage and allowed myself to be the most vulnerable i had ever been with anyone in a long time, that i let you in and told you?
Do you remember that, at all?

]

2011-10-04T23:16:00.000-07:00

i do not want to become an emotional wreck, but i realized.. that of late many of my posts seem so *mehh*, and.
That kind of annoys me. *:/
so i'm thinking. i should write down something that made me smile for real today. Because i guess, in the whole sea of frowns during the course of my twenty four hours- there has to be at least one thing that pleased me.
Genuinely, pleased me. No?
Know, how there's always a ratio for things?
i'd like to think that at least, at the very utmost least- the ratio of sucky to lovely in the course of my day would at the very worst, be 1:1 and never 1:0.
So, the 1:1 ratio of my day today, (right off the top of my head..)
-is that the guy who made my coffee recognized my name and smiled at me when i walked in before i smiled at him.
,
i think.. sometimes when you keep trying to be the first person to make the effort, it's good to realize you should let others go first and embrace it when someone does something good for you- before you have to do anything for them.
You should, because i guess it's tiring always being Martha and trying to be her all the time? -potentially would turn things from, putting effort into something genuinely to becoming completely sin,ical.
Frankly speaking. Listing down something that someone did for me today that made me smile in black and white, made me realize that with all the bull-like-sh*t over the past few months, i have really, become socially so tired.
i realized how much i have become afraid of and cautious towards people without exactly realizing it.
And i think, it felt good. To have someone make me smile for real today after, oh so very long.
you know?
x.

field.

2011-10-04T07:19:00.001-07:00

there's something about Mondays that i find strangely comforting.
a little bit like the refresh button on your computer that you can click once things are starting to hang. There's the sense of anticipation, a little bit of dread- as you wait to see if the screen successfully reloads or doesn't, and there's that excitement for starting something all over again.
,
they call it Monday blues but i honestly don't see how Monday is different from Tuesday or Wednesday or Thursday or.. any other day of the week.
i think that sometimes it's really how we let our mind control the day that effects it.
Which reminds me, of how i wish sometimes i could tell it straight to your face- that those constant negative early morning tweets should be banished forever.
'cause honestly Love, they suhckk and really won't make anyone feel any better.
so why do you constantly have to keep 'em, coming? *:'/
,
i've opened and closed, typed and erased, and published and deleted numerous times the past few weeks but when i try to conclude a post or what it is i want to really say all i come up with is a blank page.
it's either there is too much i have going on in my skull, or really– nothing at all.
,
Seems like the number of battles have been so many- the number of mess ups keep increasing, and the level of insecurity never goes down.
i seem to slap myself with stick on smiles alot and the drug-like effect that seems to take it's toll on my brain when injected with my now double dose of caffeine is the only thing that seems to be keeping me a bit high in the clouds. Yet, not exactly– there either, know?
,
People seem to tire me more too, and there's this getting used to being alone that i am starting to actually find alot more comforting at times.
It feels dangerous. Being okay with the silence, and being disintegrated from a crowd yet being immersed and mixed together in the sea of people? Being mixed and dissolving inside, not yet floating over it like a layer of oil and water which do not mix?
that seems suddenly all so scary, and tiring, and i so often nowadays feel like i dare not put myself out there all over again.
,
Maybe it's because of what i told you. Remember? How, the people you love the most always leave you?
and i think that's why sometimes i realize that part of me doesn't want to care about anyone anymore. Or more of, not let myself start to care.
Gawsh, it's so tiring just thinking about it. Feels so often that my heart will completely collapse the moment the slightest bit of damage gets inflicted on it and so i just, keep away from it all.
i keep away, and i sort of camouflage as best as i can, and i walk around near the walls so it feels almost as if i will fade into them eventually.
,
'You eventually will get the hang of it.' That's what they often say, no?
In the same way– i feel i am starting to get used to this.
i wonder what it would be like to be in other people's shoes often. Or more like, i wonder how feeling okay with being in my shoes would feel like if ever that were to happen. Yet, i don't exactly yearn or long to be that way.
Because in a way, feeling numb and almost nothing protects me from feeling anything at all.
i told you before that i've never exactly found a shade of grey and that it's either black or white when it comes to many things, and that's very much how i think people are to me as well.
,
i told you i don't love unless i am sure of it.
and today, i think that just might be a curse instead of an ability.
Because, i let myself love and since then i couldn't have been more sure.
,
it's a self defense, or coping mechanism i think– this disintegration thing.
i don't agree to it given i had the chance. Like a skunk, you know? i don't think it would like to be labelled as smelly, or have people run away each time it lets out its stench.
Yet if it didn't- the probability of it getting attacked, would be alot higher i'm pretty sure.
And so in a way keeping to myself is like that?
It isn't something i like falling into, this being alone thing. Yet it feels like it at least keeps me a little more safe from people then if i didn't.
And people, sigh. We people can be really, so dangerous.
you know? *:'[
,

you were my downfall.
you were my shade of grey.
,
x.

demons.

2011-10-03T00:42:00.000-07:00

Some days, when i am tired yet not completely burned out? when i come home and my heart is pounding and my legs are aching and my eyes are twitching- yet i am still able to take the few steps to make it to the couch and then only eventually collapse?
Days like these- are when i wish i could cage you with me in a fighting ring. We would fight until there's only one person standing. Whether it is you or me, i sometimes don't think i really care at all.
Because if it were me who took the victory- it is really only by His grace that i still stand. And if it's you who reigns, well at least i can say i fought till i could really fight no more.
Know we always start out strong, pumped, fueled up. But over time, being human we cannot forever stay so immune to being worn out over and over again.
Daddy used to tell me it was like a rubberband. "You can stretch it only so far girl. Eventually it will snap if you keep pulling."
It keeps ongoing it seems. My body is weak, and my soul is weary. But somehow Bella, despite that your spirit still remains so strong.
and i, hurt.

life

2011-09-28T11:10:00.000-07:00

i won't lie.
There are still so many days i go to sleep and pray that i don't wake up.
,
_____
.

a little bit of closure.

2011-09-25T00:11:00.000-07:00

when you're young, they tell you growing up is hard.
You think that what they say isn't of much relevance to you and all the matters is that your school uniform looks like a ballroom gown on your best friend, and a potato sack on you. And life is hard.
,
They say that problems get bigger as you grow older, but all that seems to be getting bigger is well– you. And life is, really hard.
,
You meet more people as you grow up, and you realize this heart of yours has the ability to feel a whole lot more than it looks like it contain. You start to feel things you have never felt before, you feel pain in parts of your body you never really knew could feel that painful.
You accumulate more and more feelings and emotions as you meet more and more people and all these emotions get stored in your heart. They're like those tee-shirts that are compressed into a miniscule package. They are packed so tightly inside a little cube and it really seems almost impossible how much volume can manage to be contained inside such a small area.
There are different sizes to these tee-shirts. Some sizes are small and some are large.
Like people, and the heart really. Some people take up a small space, and some people occupy a huge part of your heart. i think, sometimes it comes down to how much you let certain people occupy. At the end of the day, it is solely our own individual decision.
Making decisions as to who occupies how much space, is hard. Because really– i think in our attempts to make these decisions, in our attempts to decide who we want to allow in and who we want to shut out? in the blur of the moment and the scurry of us hurrying and the hectic blur of it all? We fail to see that–
there really, is no say whatsoever that we have as to who occupies how much space in our heart.
There is no decision or even opinion that we have as to how much we let our heart care, and how much we don't let our heart care.

,
and know? i really think that, having realized that makes things a little easier for which i'm glad.
i really hurt some days, and i wish some days that sometimes the decision would be able to be made by solely me alone and that i would be stronger than my heart in terms of being the tyrant.
But i think, at the end of it all when i go to bed finally and can put my mind to rest even if for just a couple of hours i know that i'm okay with not having any say in deciding who i shut out and who i don't.
Because it reminds me that i really do care and love you.
and i know i always will, which really– i wouldn't exchange for anything.
x.

2011-09-16T07:57:00.001-07:00

i'm tired, i'm bloody tired.
disappointed of complaining, disappointed of having so many negative posts as of lately, disappointed that i have these moments of sitting down on the carpet floor staring into blank space and then suddenly feel wet drops fall on my black tights without realizing where they came from.
i'm frustrated with myself for having let things carry on this way, where there is no peace because i wait and wait, yet there is no change despite the unhappiness and discontent that is voiced out.
it is sad, and pathetic, and it breaks my heart to feel a day go by almost wasted because my strength wears out at some point and i wish so much for it to be over; when really the weather is lovely outside, the sweetest of messages come through my phone, and the chance to be distracted comes up more often than i realize. What a waste.
i am tired of thinking so much about what other people are thinking and feeling, that it leaves me left with nothing to think or feel of my own inside because i'm consumed by worrying about another.
i wouldn't mind at all if it were reciprocated, but it feels so much of a one way street.
i may be so terribly wrong, and i apologize if i am- but i am human, and being human it so strongly feels that way.
That's another thing- apologizing. i'm sick, and tired, of apologizing for things i'm not sure how exactly how they are- but things that are wrong.
i'm sick of sorry being said filled with fear and guilt and disgrace, yet not knowing why exactly i'm overcome with feelings as such.
sick of apologizing for things i don't know why i am sorry about.
There have been too many sad posts, and what makes them worse is how they have not ceased to get sorted out over the past months.
What a waste of time.
What a waste of life.
Tried, explained, tried, explained, tried again.
Tired, hopeful, weary, delusional, done.
Time to start learning how to live.
Love, so much, and as promised– always.
x.

oh,shun.

2011-09-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

.
i think sometimes, the reason why i am so afraid to start to give a little part of me to Him- is that i know how much more i might possibly want to give after, and how much of His power could be then executed the moment we entrust our faith in Him.
and the magnitude of that? The magnitude of His power, will i not lie-
it terrifies me and leaves me in complete awe.

creep.

2011-09-13T07:06:00.000-07:00

oh, wouldn't it be lovely–
to throw spiders at people and have them make tangled cobwebs in their hair?
,
x.

helpless.

2011-09-09T23:46:00.000-07:00

what am i doing wrong?

,
x.

-

2011-09-08T22:43:00.001-07:00

i like irony and hate it too. No idea what to classify that phrase as- because it was like, double dose of irony so.. mehh i shall not bother.

Life is basically based on irony, no? Because you tend to find so much ugly in it, and yet from that ugliness you can only really find the true beauty of things.

And you hate and loathe it so much at times- when times are painful and confusing and stressful and your heart beats in your throat. Yet only after you go through moments like those and you are recomposed, calm, and able to think logically do you realize how much supernatural love was needed to allow you to eventually still be sane and on your two feet.

,
Love.
it's a funny thing, this little thing called Love.
it's a wonder how much a four letter word that is classified as 'little thing' can really possibly hold behind it.
If you ask me, i think it's so supercalifragilisticespyalydocious that it shouldn't even be classified as a 'thing'. It is really so much more that i can't even think of a word for it.
It is tiring, and it takes up so much effort once you begin to start letting yourself love. No?
It sucks up nearly (or what feels like) -all of you, once you let yourself start to let people touch that part of your heart where this emotion called love lies. Because the moment you start to love someone, is the moment that you will never, ever, feel like you are able to give/do enough for that someone. (personally speaking i guess.)
The moment you make a person you love happy, you wish so much- that there could be something more you could do to intensify that happiness and make that laugh or smile continue on forever.
And the moment you see that person sad, worse still, somehow inflict sadness on that person you love? Your heart, literally feels like it has grown thorns and is scrapping the insides of your chest because you feel totally and completely helpless.
It's horrible- how this thing that they call being sad? This three lettered word, this one syllable word, this pathetic almost nothing word; sad?
it's horrible how it cannot be removed and erased, as easy as it is for one to feel that way or even just say it out.

,
It has been pretty quiet lately.
it has been silent and here again irony sets in where it's in the silence that everything we try to run away from meets us.
It's here that you are with the loudest of voices yet cannot see anyone around or hear them speak. Yet somehow, the silence makes the loudest noise.
Whether or not this classifies me as slightly off beat or not- i'm not sure? But i'll say it anyway.
Over the past silences- i've contemplated whether the potential of going crazy is possible and whether or not i have started to lose a few brain screws. Because you try hard to be strong the moment you feel as if you are going to break, and sometimes you start to reinforce positive thoughts as much as you think at that very moment- how completely bullshi* this fake positivity you have going on is.
You wonder if maybe this God that mummy and daddy and so many other people who you love tell you to pray to, when things are going tough, you wonder if He is real or it's just imagination that you rely on to falsely tell yourself that it will be okay, the moment you aren't.
You wonder and then you cry and then sometimes you fall asleep from crying- other times you wipe your face while sitting helplessly on the carpeted floor and look at the blank pieces of paper lying on the table, just so you won't have to look at the reflection in the laptop screen, next to all the pretty images on tumblr and battle with another battle.
Sometimes you shower after you cry which does magic in a scary way. Water is mystifying, there's something about it- whether in the pool or the shower, or the rain even that changes things somehow.
Either way- you wonder.
You wonder and then life catches up eventually and you have to still go on with well- living and responsibilities.
Only after you have recomposed, do you start to question again about whether or not the reason you have made it through yet again?
-is because you were unrealistically positive, sugar coating things just so that you would survive that bout of horror.
-or, was it really this big guy called God.
But then you realize as well, that this cycle of life where you get happy AND sad, it is going to keep happening as long as you breathe. It stinks, how it can never be good all the time.
if it were me being overly positive though- then the chances of being slightly delusional is an option i keep in mind to talk to mummy and daddy about next time it happens. Might need to get my brain re-evaluated, (should stick that on a postit note- do remind me.)
But if it were, this God? Well then, the reason being that i'm still standing here is through this thing called Faith then, right?
And if it were actually God, and Faith. If these two actually do exist? Then to me, for the many times to come in life where there are the possibility of tears and being sad and being hurt?
Well personally, i think it is such much more beautiful and reliable an option to choose and go with; as compared to settling with the option and relying on my human self (which really- who can ever exactly really rely on) that the reason for still being here is because i was able to be overly positive.
,

.
Whoa. That was too much thinking.
now my brain hurts.
Love, x.

i say, 'hey, hey, hey?-

2011-09-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

•We beat around the bush. When we could possibly die tomorrow.
•They say the grass is always greener on the other side. Yet you never really see two patches of grass opposite each other- you're usually just standing on one very big field.
•Good morning/afternoon/evening. Have a nice day- although you possibly could die as well.
•Bro's over Hoes. Sisters over Misters. Between good and bad though, it seems he gives you more than you appreciate of him and as a sister, that's a hoe-like thing to do.
•Dear un-peaceful/happy feeling. You've been here too long and i hate you. Please go to hell. Love, sarahleehuiyi.
.
-have a nice day.'
*:]

dear future husband,

2011-09-04T04:28:00.000-07:00

i promise (and thank you in advance) for having breakfast in bed with me.
whichisnotanoption,
...

*:]
Love, already-
x.

Frank(ly)ie.

2011-08-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

If you did what i did, or if you do what i do,
i wonder if you would still be alive.
Because when i feel like i have died yet am still breathing breaths of air-
i don't know how to exactly tell if i have died already or am still alive.
,
real friends tell you what is true, but not what you necessarily want to hear.
,
i can't help but wonder why we do the things we do, if we know we shouldn't do them.
and sometimes the reason that, "We're all human, sarah."
–well that just doesn't cut it.
because maybe i know how much it hurts to have something repetitively poked at a raw wound & therefore i wouldn't ever really want to forgive myself if i were to be one to inflict such pain.
,
Dude.
i love you to bits and all. You know i do.
and i might not know that much, but as far as my values go,
–friends don't apply more makeup on their other friends, when they know that there is still eyeliner left from the tears before that has not yet been wiped of.
as far as i'm concerned, they won't because they'd somewhat be aware that applying more will only make things a little bit messier.
so seriously, not cool Love. not cool.
"xoxo."
,
Sometimes your unnecessary words make me want to run,away from hearing all the t,raping things you, really don't need to put down in black and white.
But then again, who am i to say what opinions other people should, follow,.
,
if there's one thing i've learnt this year, it is that the world does not wait for you and if you don't stick up to it when you should, it will not cease the opportunity to slap you right in the face and leave you burried in the ground while it moves on.
,
sometimes i wonder, if it were anything at all or if i was just dreaming.
because somehow i seem to be stuck and crippled in all these vague distant memories and words, yet you seem to be completely, fine?
and i wonder if maybe i'm still half awake and trying to love something that is not there anymore? 'cause i can't be sure, and i think i loved too much in that dream, if it were a dream- to risk waking up and splashing ice cold water over my face.
and so i feel so stuck, and i don't know what i should do.
,
x.

bread crumbs.

2011-08-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

Today i saw a green rusty car which had the number plate spelling PRETTY.
i don't think the car really looked that way, but the moment and irony of it all kind of did. *:]
Today i saw two homeless people share one foot long sandwich and the happy in me somehow kinda of doubled as well.
.
You know that lurch you take the moment you step off the bungee jumping plank?
or that moment you feel your heart literally jump out of your chest when something excites you?
or that feeling when Andrew Paul goes over a bump and he's speeding, so the car goes at a speed faster than your heart and body. So it almost feels as if it is left behind at a certain spot, and has jumped out before it had time to move forward with your body?
or you know that roller coaster feeling when you walk past someone on the street who fits adorable perfectly, and you both smile at each other at the same time though you have never seen each other before?
or that breath, that you breathe deeply in when you try to recompose after crying uncontrollably?
That breath that you take when you are sad, yet breathe so deeply in to depend on to make you all better?
that's Him. And although i'm no scientist and cannot in any way possible probably prove it based on solid evidence? that is what so far has seemed to be the only solution for me that also, cannot be proven wrong either?
& personally, if it weren't for those indescribable feelings that we often experience which leaves us feeling somewhat bewildered? i don't exactly know what would be that keeps me going.
,
x.

salt on a raw wound.

2011-08-22T04:03:00.001-07:00

often, when i have cried to the point that i am exhausted and about to shut off?
i remind myself before i black out, that one more tear i cry for you, is one more tear closer to feeling alright again.

long term, long time.

2011-08-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

dear future husband,

i don't know who you are right now.

but i was just thinking.
and right now, as sad as i sometimes get thinking? i do get happy moments thinking as well at times.
and after much of that thinking- i think, i know, i am looking forward to the day when i can start loving you with all my heart.
i promise you i will.
till the day comes though, i hope you keep well.
and also have a nice day tomorrow.
you probably wouldn't care right now.. (orevencaremuchthen) but i feel like wearing a dress tmr and it's been awhile since i wore a dress. Sad thing is apparently it's going to rain which totally makes wearing a dress not so appropriate.
Hmm, but anyway.
Goodnight, i love you(already).

Always and forever, me.

and Faith, sweetheart.

i can't wait to hold you too.

Love, mummy.

'.

2011-08-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

,
i feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe.

tri,kays.

2011-08-05T05:51:00.001-07:00

i come back home and think it's going to be alright but then i start to replay and think and revisit all that has happened and i remember.
And then i fall down on the sofa lifeless and shut my eyes and realize how much it still really hurts.
And although i know i don't regret allowing myself to have started caring, started loving,
-which isn't something that fades once you start and really, actually lasts the rest of your life?
Sometimes i wish i hadn't started in the first place because i realize that the more you care the more it hurts. And i wish it would stop, or at least, knew how long more till it finally starts to heal.
Because i really think, my heart has never felt so heavy for this long before.


breath.

2011-08-02T02:30:00.000-07:00

i don't know if everyone has felt like this before, or if it's a feeling that everyone gets once in awhile.
Kind of like being alone- you know how sometimes, you feel as if you're a single black dot in the middle of a very large white page? But then, you talk to someone and they tell you that feeling alone is a feeling that they have once felt as well at some point of time. And then you realize- maybe you aren't all that by yourself after all?

it's like this.
i don't know if at one point in everyone's life they've felt that close to death.
i don't know if at one point everyone has experienced the feeling of almost being drawn out of your body and then just floating beside it. Like you are in a dream and you feel and see things yet are unable to control anything your body does.
Ghost-like.

To me,?
it is one of the most peaceful feeling ever, yet you feel completely helpless at the same time.
You are witnessing your own self and the pain stored up inside, you see the tears fade into the blue water without anyone noticing that it is of a different water source from that in the confined large human tank. You see, and can almost wipe those tears off the body's face yet like the wind- you are not exactly there.

Your heart pounds so hard that it goes straight to your brain and as you see this body squint it's eyes so hard trying to shut everything out, you know that this ghost-like creature you momentarily are will still be able to see everything under the white water lights.

You see all this pain this body stores and it almost becomes a measurable object- like how you can measure height, or weight, or milliliters of water. Yet, as closely associated to this body that you are- you feel nothing at all.

and so, while there is so much hurt and anger and restlessness that this body cannot escape- you, are totally at peace.

Somehow, this soul and body eventually reconnect. And you begin to feel everything again. You once again, become human.

It's like a feather. In the wind.
The only way you know the wind exists is when you see a feather float.
Without any wind, a feather remains still and stagnant and it is just another object.
But with the wind; it flies and it is light and care-free and life is breathed into it.
it becomes well, a feather.

And so i think, it's something like that too?
the times when you question how it is possible you are back and living in that body, you don't find an answer but you rely on the theory of the wind and know that-
the only reason you are alive, is because- in a way you still cannot fathom?

,
He is living in you.
x.

you said,

2011-07-31T07:32:00.000-07:00

whereareyou,&
whywon'tyoutalktome.*:'[
"i'll never leave you alone."

come, Monday.

2011-07-29T10:39:00.001-07:00

What it feels like?

It feels like, as best as i can try to explain- it feels like this.

It feels like your nerves are now sharp, and stabbing the soles of your feet. It feels as if they are trying so very hard to pierce through the top surface of your feet with each step you place forward, toe first. Then, the pain goes through your ankles and up your shins.

When it reaches your shins, they then feel like pythons squeezing your calves until the point that your bones crack- yet are not fragile enough to crumble so that you fall down. So you remain upright, with the constriction and pain holding you in position because the slightest move you make hurts you.

Yet, you cannot fall down and lift the weight of your body off your legs just yet- because they still aren't fragile enough to completely breakdown.

Your heels? Your heels feel like they have been put onto hot coals and you cannot lift them off the heat. They then radiate and burn your arches, yet in the confinement and binding of your shoes- you aren't able to let that heat escape.

And so you have to withstand the burn because it cannot disperse to anywhere else.

Your knees feel wobbly. They feel like you are trying to balance an egg on another egg. Your kneecaps feel like they have been splintered and the pieces of wood are sticking out of your knees. Yet when you look down, you see nothing other than soft cushion and wonder how you could have been so delusional and felt such a contrast to what you see.

As for your back. It feels like it's being held up by a metal rod that is perpendicular to your backbone. You are pretty sure that it isn't aligned straight considering the uneven weights you lug on one, sometimes two sides.

You breathe and it hurts yet you grasp as hard as you can because as much as the restrictive ribcages inside your flesh protest- your brain screams for extra oxygen due to the excessive amount of caffeine consumed.

It is cold. You think. Yet you cannot be completely sure because when both pain and cold receptors are working at the same time, you almost are taken out of the real world and transported into this surreal world where people pass you yet you cannot exactly feel their presence because you are trying so hard to plaster on a fake smile and hold the tears from falling while trying to blend in.

Somedays, you wonder how long more you have. How long more till you finally cannot feel no more and this misery you cover up and sometimes even are able to fool yourself into thinking that you are alright? -will last for.

You cannot help but think that it isn't long. It isn't long before you are going to really know what it feels like to be invisible in a crowd of people. Before you are seeing the world yet not having to live in it at the same time.

By then, you are home. You are on the couch and you hear silence in the midst of the cooking pans clanging as mummy cooks dinner.

You both aren't talking, but you know that she is ever so present with you in that room.

You know that she would ask more, if you could give an answer more than a word long, in reply to her question "how was your day girl?"

But you can't because on that couch- your body battery is almost empty. The red light is flashing just like how the warning notification comes on after a day of using Leahh.

You physically cannot, and mum knows. She knows and you can tell through her tired yet persevering eyes.

You cannot help but think about what she asked you just this morning. About what you would do, if you saw Faith in that exact position you were in. You close your eyes and shut it out, because deep down you know how much the answer would hurt.

You close your eyes and you embrace the pain because at least it blocks all the disappointments you are out. Ignorance is bliss, you have well learnt over the years and that is exactly why you do what you do.

At the back of your mind though, you are haunted. By the experiences that led to the disappointments, by situations right now where you can't seem to make better as much as you have promised you will do your best to sort out, by everything you are.

The battery has been nearly used up, but there is a little life remaining and in that life is where you are forced to face living with no option.

You cannot run away you have well found out over the years. Well- you can, maybe. But you cannot hide.

Your eyes start to close as numbers invade your mind and blur your vision. The cooking pots are now releasing smells which captivate yet scare you that you are left almost in a trance; in addition to that your mind starts telling you to go against your body and get back up to working it. Get back up to the punishment she tells you it deserves.

Then comes the best part. The part where for a moment you can say, The End.

Then comes the part when all of the above- all the physical, mental and emotional hazards that you have gone through for the past hours you have been awake? -they mix together and form a concoction so strong it knocks you out completely.

And for that moment, you are at peace because in all three areas you cannot do anything anymore. And you are at rest, because you cannot do anymore work.

You are at rest, and you wonder for how long. You rest and you are at peace, and you recharge.

You recharge, so that you can eventually awake- and the whole ordeal takes place again.

Sometimes, you wonder why someone just doesn't remember to turn the electricity off. That would save the after effects of recharging. That would save the need for you to wakeup, energized in order hurt.

You wonder if you really wish that would happen, then hold back because you know that you are not yet responsible enough to make conclusions as such.

So until you are, you rest and take in the beauty of not having to think. You rest until you wakeup again, not knowing each time for certain whether you will, yet expecting to anyway.

You expect to, and as long as you keep expecting, it helps to keep in mind as your body shuts of momentarily, that maybe just maybe- waking up over and over again is His way of telling you that, you were meant to live for so much more.

she said,

2011-07-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

"tell me your story, like i have heard nothing about it before."
and so i did. i started.
But then halfway through, i realized that i still can't tell her or anyone for that matter, 'the end'.
As wrong and as horrible as it may sound/seem, today i came home and realized as well that

there are still so many days that i think giving up completely might be so much easier.
Sometimes i tell myself that it will get easier, you know? But then whenever i conclude, the inevitable fact is that, it's already been so long.
And lately my aching legs have been questioning me about how long more till they finally break.
,
"love, noone."
You only end up hurt.
.
Love, -a.

2011-07-19T08:24:00.000-07:00

i feel, nothing.

"stick a fork in it."

2011-07-10T22:11:00.000-07:00

While we were having lunch i saw a girl.

Big doe eyed, maxi dress sized o, long brown straight hair, perfectly pink glossed lips, petite, small, slender, doll like.
i poked my dead smoked salmon on the plate with my fork and said softly yet loud enough to be heard, damn that girl is really pretty.
Sandra looked at me, and said-
"But che? She's so heavily made-up."
After, i continued poking my dead smoked salmon but didn't say anything.
Because when your younger sister tells you that, it's hard to say much more at all.
,
"she's done."
.

x

guilty.

2011-07-08T21:25:00.000-07:00

sometimes, i think to myself that one day you will wake up and finally realize how eff-ed up the world, really is.
however you will not break, nor will you be sad.
because by the time you realize, you would have already been too broken up to care.
and in a way, that for me was a good thing.

because sometimes when i start to begin to feel compassion again, i get overwhelmed when i realize that- attempting to fix all the problems in the world, will probably kill me in almost an instant.

lately,

2011-07-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday i met a friend in Starbucks. As i was walking in i recognized a bunch of girls who were with a couple of guys at a table not far away.
With no intention of being narcissistic, i think they recognized me as well.
Well, by the looks of it;
Expanded eyes, mouthed *ohmygawhdd* and
(sorry to say) very un-secretive glares over our table-
That to me is either a 'oh! i recognize you', or a 'oh you have an octopus on your head.'
Seeing i didn't- i therefore concluded that they recognized me as well.
Got my green tea soy latte, he got his mocha and we sat down to talk.
Know how it always feels weird when you know someone's talking about you behind your back? Well when a bunch of people are doing that very indiscreetly and looking away each time you look at them, it kind of just gets awkward. Not to mention a little, very annoying.
So in attempt to give the benefit of the doubt, i smile at them when i managed to catch their eye. The moment i did, the girl in particular i managed to make eye contact with looked away pretending she had not seen it.
Giving the benefit of the doubt a few more times, the same thing kept happening till eventually it almost seemed that as nice as my green tea was- it looked pretty nice spilt on her head too.
So frustrated at the whole situation and pretty irked as well? i stood up and marched over, looked her in the face and smiled- then said Hi.
i said hi and just stood there which must've been then pretty awkward for her, 'cause i swear it took her at least three seconds to realize what was happening;
And that was, that the girl she had been so discreetly cock staring at had marched over and said hi because she was tired of smiling and not getting any response.
In all honesty? i don't know what the point of typing that whole paragraph out was for.
In fact now that i have i don't even really seem to be affected by it as much as when it happened.
So maybe that was a couple of minutes of my life wasted, huh.
But then again one day maybe i'll look back and laugh at how weird humans actually are.
We psycho.
Don't you think, *:/

.
Distraction only does so much.
Distraction is not a permanent thing, and it has a lifespan.
Once it wears out, you are left with your thoughts, undistracted and you are left to face the truth of what you are trying to run away from.
Distraction, helps. But when put point blankly- it is a form of running away from the problem. It is a way of buying more time, delaying the process and putting off having to come face to face with an issue.
So in all honesty, i've been trying to distract myself. Because once you are not thinking about a problem- you don't have to deal with the amount of hurt or pain or disappointment that could potentially come out of the decision you have to make.
i have been trying to stay distracted so i won't have to face the helpless and seemingly pathetic conclusion that i have no clue whatsoever as to how to clean up something like this instantly.
But distraction can only get you so far away. It's like those retractable dog leashes.
A dog is allowed to run only so far away, until the elasticity of the leash reaches it's maximum. Then, it tugs the dog back and after a sharp jolt it realizes that the leash limits its movement and there's only so far it can go.
So, i've been running on a leash this past weekend-but now that it's over, i realize that no matter how hard i pull the leash pulls me back.
It pulls me back and i realize i still feel pretty empty that you aren't here.

.
"sometimes i don't understand her you know? "
"yeah i know what you mean. Like it's really confusing right? But i mean, sarah lee is a confusing girl."
-Zoe Ng.

"because you are a disobedient child."
-Daddy.

"when my mummy is sad, or she hurts or she is disappointed, mu mummy runs and swims the pain away."
-my, Faith.

"Taylor Swift sings about magic and fairytales and happily ever after. Things we wish would exist or happen because they seem so ideal.
But Taylor Momsen sings about sex and drugs and things on the darker side.
She sings about things that actually, happen in real life everyday."
-sarah on Taylor Swift and Momsen.

.
Sometimes i think that people scare me.
They scare me because i'm a person and as a person, i know how much emotion you can feel when you let yourself feel.
It's crazy, how much you can feel isn't it. It seems almost impossible how you can also be feeling two completely opposite feelings at once.
It's funny how when i was young i used to think that when people said their heart hurt- it meant there was something biologically wrong.
i never knew that feelings could cause your heart to feel almost as if it was going to break and crumble as well. In fact i think sometimes that emotions cause your heart to hurt even more than if it were a biological cause.
So people scare me because when i look at them, i see how much they can potentially feel and hurt. That makes me worry for them because it sucks. It sucks, ass. And i, hate how it feels when it hurts.
You tend to feel more for the people who you care and love, tend to be more emotional and hurt for them more when you see them not at peace.
Lately, i've been running away from feeling. i've been running away from seeing the people i love hurt, so that for my own selfish reason- i don't need to hurt as well?
So i don't need to feel helpless and useless and as if my heart is stuck banging against the walls of my throat again and again.
But yesterday, i could run no further and for the first time in awhile, i cleaned my eyes with solution which was not saline.
My tears were about a good cup full at least and i realized then that i could run no further.
They say it's harder to pick yourself back up the lower down you fall and the tears were a sign that this is as far as i should try to run already.
Any further i try to run away would mean extra work to get back on track. And so, i think- for the good of not only myself but everyone else in the long run;

no, more, running.

.
Love, x.

strive.

2011-06-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

i've been up for four hours now.
It's funny. Going to bed not knowing what time it is, waking up repetitively only to have to put a pillow over my head to try to get to sleep again, and feeling my heart pulsate the moment my eyes jolt open- is starting to lose effect on how tired it makes me during the day.

So during the day i'm not, not tired. i think i have just forgotten what to do when i am.
i walk about so that i don't have to sit and think, and i breathe in and out deeply so i don't start to cry when i realize how at lost i sometimes feel.

There are moments i am out in the midst of people and their voices kind of block out the loudness of mine. But then when i get into the car and step home again i see things that remind me of Bella developed over the years, i see things that remind me of incidences i should have known better or could have avoided getting into arguments, i see things that remind me of you and how for awhile it felt like it was at least going to be okay someday, then i remember that these things i remember with you are in the past tense at this current moment, and i'm standing on my foyer by myself now.

And so i walk inside and i feel almost like i am sucked into a vacuum where no emotion is allowed because once it is, then the uncontrollable feelings of hurt and sadness and fear and anger start to rage.
The moment i walk inside is the moment i know i need to start turning off emotion altogether.

i think, it's because our house walls have seen all of the things we want to keep contained in them for only our eyes to have seen. At least, for me.
Outside, you see the exterior colour and contour of the house walls, yet inside there are so many more items, objects, that people on the outside never get to see or touch or know- if they were to just drive past.
And people keep these things sacred, safe- and somethings, we just don't want other people to know.
It's somewhat like how when i was young, i used to clean up my room when people came over. Because noone really wants to see a dirty room. i'd stash things i wanted private in places people won't know, and then take them out again when they left. i'd clean up and make sure things weren't scattered and dusty, yet when they were polished and shiny and clean, i'd look at them and wonder how long they would actually last like that.

The interior walls of your house contain so much information, that sometimes i personally think it is too much for me to handle.
And so, i think often a time i decide to just shut off instead of deal with the too many monsters i have on them waiting to prowl.
It seems a little easier that way.

So i wokeup from not much sleep last night tired, yet not feeling a thing.
i wokeup and my feet kind of hurt as did my arms, yet i didn't squirm or cringe.
i wokeup and i realized that it's been awhile, since i've been waking up in this state. This state where i wakeup to prepare for another enduring day, and look forward to the relief of when i can finally turn of, even if just for a little bit at the end of the day.
Simply put, it's been awhile since it's felt like i wake up and prepare for pain.

How is it possible, to build up something so strong, think you have it under control-
yet when the smallest, slightest blow comes that makes you contemplate, you feel like you have lost the strength you had built up altogether?

And how come i know so strongly that things are going to be okay eventually, yet feel so not at peace with everything right now?

nasa.

2011-06-13T06:29:00.000-07:00

Monday-

Today, i helped my best friend get ready for her graduation.
When we started, my eyelash curler was clean and eyeshadow free. When we got done, it was dusty brown with a hint of sparkly on its edges.

Today i did her makeup, helped her with her hair and when i finished i dusted off the powder that had fallen off her cheeks and then washed the stains from the eyeliner i had drawn on my hand.

Two years back, i sat next to her in class with my pink Jansport bagpack and instead of drawing on her face i drew on our AddMath textbook. Two years back, instead of wiping off the eyeliner on my hand- i was wiping off the pencil marks on my hand.

Tonight, i have no idea what to expect other than that i know it will be okay after.
i don't know what to expect other than the fact that i am worried and that i know in a couple of minutes, as the time that draws closer to tonight comes- that worry will probably be amplified a little more.
Two years ago, i was worried and anxious and excited- but in an absolutely different way. i was anticipating the start of something, tonight i'm wishing with all my heart that it isn't an end of something.
,
Dad's next to me in the car right now. i'm on the right and he's on the left.
He's on his iPhone, & i'm on Joyy writing this down.
Ten years ago, i was next to him in the exact same position- but instead of iPhone's in our hands, he had half a Kinder Bueno & so did i, and we were talking about my English teacher i didn't like who called me
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Because Sarah Michelle Gellar played the part of Buffy; & my name was sarah. Ironic, seeing i was really afraid of vampires and the scary show shizz.
Today, Kinder Bueno is terrifying and i am a fan of Vampire Diaries. Also, i want my own Stefan and Damon Salvatore and i wouldn't mind becoming a vampire if it were possible.
,

It's funny, don't you think?
How much things can change.
What makes it all the more unbelievable, is that things change in the ways you least expect them too.
.
Tuesday-
Today i wakeup and i have something in addition to me as compared to when i wokeup yesterday.
i have my heart back.

Well, maybe i've never actually not had it. i think, in a way my heart never really left me.
So maybe, addition isn't the right word to use? i don't like the thought of having something more, on me anyway.
So maybe- today i wokeup and my heart was different, from how it was yesterday.
Today, i wokeup and i had to keep my heart beating on my own. Today i wokeup, and you weren't beating my heart for me and i wasn't beating yours either.
And, you know i don't feel as strong as i did when it was in your hands sometime back?
My blood through it felt stale and depleted, like it didn't have enough nutrients to really keep it going.
But i think the way it works with blood, is that once it's inside your system, it never really leaves. And so i think, right now eventhough i have to let my own blood flow and you have to let yours as well, it's good to know that i'm always going to have some of yours pulsating through mine that i can get my muscle strength from?
it never leaves and that's good to know besides the fact that i know i'll make sure yours never will leave, as well.
It's like, AB blood. i know the way i see it, you're not any typical, O type? Never will be.
,
it's funny. Scary as well- how Tumblr gives you the images you need most, when you least expect it.
so you know, maybe not right now.
Maybe right now He's saying, no.
But look, Love.

see? *:']
maybe, in fifty as well.
Whatever, though. Whatever or however.
For sure, and i'm sure you know too?
Forever and Always.
,
"Where do you wanna go?"
"i wanna go, to the moon. *:]"

All my love.

number three.

2011-06-08T06:01:00.001-07:00

the moment i stop moving, is the moment i realize i am hurting more than i allow myself to feel.

the weak.

2011-06-06T07:27:00.001-07:00

Tuesday,

-but you know, the silence you are giving me, the reassurance i would want someone i say i love to feel, the way it feels like an effort on your part is secondary, the way i realize that all these excuses i feel i am making for you and telling myself i am overthinking, it's actually really tiring.
It might look stupid on you- might be a silver that doesn't exactly shine and is slightly tattered, it might not even be true, but it represents what i know something of this sort should be like.
Strong, whole and complete. And if represented correctly- well, it has been broken.
Sure, it takes time to fix but it also requires effort. Maybe it's been too long, love. Too long that you have put it aside and not prioritized it, so maybe that is a sign as well that this is not something that is mutual and reciprocated.
it makes me come to realize- that maybe, it is time to let go and stop clapping with one hand.
i've told you that i will never stop caring and loving you because you're so, special. More than you give yourself credit for sometimes and i will always be there to let you know that.
But this, this hurt and feeling of unfair effort put in, this feeling of being left hanging and to wait over and over again, makes me realize as well- that maybe i have to finally accept that, enough is enough.

,
It's Friday already & all i want to do is go home & hide from everything & everybody. Each time i tell myself i'll be okay & learn to forgive for what you did & for how it hurt me- because everyone makes mistakes at one point or another right? -something comes up to make it harder to do all over again.
i started the week knowing it would be a tough one in addition to the normal difficulty i have. It would require twice as much effort- physically and mentally to get out of bed, twice as much courage to pick up a fork and spoon when all that it looked like was a knife that would slit my throat if i did, twice as much stamina with each stroke and step forward- repeated till it felt sufficient if only for a millisecond.
i was wrong- it took, twelve times of each.
i never knew you could be so tired from letting go of water through your eyes, but apparently- i was wrong.

It feels more exhausting than it does, trying to keep up running 1o km with Gabriel.
,
It's Monday.
The start of the week, the end of all my assignments and a time where i should be feeling so so happy and free and joyous, the beginning of a new start.
Yet right now, i'm on the couch, waiting to collapse because the past few weeks- the past few tormenting days of battling with myself, dealing with my demons as well as coming to terms with all of yours, the caffeine at midnight cups to stay awake and do as much as i possibly can to finish up all i needed to do, because letting the people i love the mist down seems so inhumane, if done only because of my own default. When the only way the pain seems to stop is if i fall asleep- ironic isn't it. Combined with the numerous kilometers, the muscle burning strokes, the pounding footsteps to curb aside the thoughts for just a moment even, the heart beats in tune with the songs of your heart which made mine ache each time another tune played on shuffle, everything of the past few weeks all accumulated into one pile-
leaves me sitting stoned on the couch which has seen my every breakdown and soaked every teardrop, muffled every silent scream, and hugged my every shriveled position in attempts to escape my own body.
There has just been so much to handle, so much to take in- both from people as well as myself.
That right now, it's almost impossible to even try to write out and release all i want to let go of because i don't know where to even begin.
It seems almost impossible to let go of all the hurt because there seems so much that it leaves me in a blur all over again.
But the best i can do, the most i can say, and well- in all honesty all i think that sums up all of what i want to say; to myself and to you, and to all those i want to say things to, is that i'm tired.
i am so, so tired that i think at this moment- i don't care at all.
Not because i don't want to- but because i just cannot take in anything more.
And in all honesty, this numbness- this inability to be bothered or feel troubled that has resulted from everything that has taken place the past few weeks? It is the most peaceful i have been in so so long.

Goodnight, love.

acid.

2011-06-03T04:28:00.000-07:00

You know,
-i sicken myself.
,
But at the same time,
-how could you be so, heartless.